sorry, this text dosent lead anywhere, just wanted to put it down, vent it.
had a bad feeling this morning, i woke up (someone outside the house woke me up shouting and banging metal railings at 8am) because that provoked some anxiety i couldnt go back to sleep, so i got up. My family were all asleep in my house, so I was not acting, pretending everythings okay. Then because I wasn't pretend/being anxious, my real thoughts came into my head-I must be depressed.
Im 23 years old and I beleive my hayday is up, past my prime. (never really got into my prime) but it's past now. There really was only one year since i was 14 that i was productive and didnt feel anxiety. 18-19 years old. I did alot of good things, with the help of a long-absent father and his new wife.
Now Im stuck in the house, if I decide to go out and do something, what? There is nothing to do, if I liked anyone in my town I would have a reason to push through the social anxiety, but I dont, I feel I hate everyone in my town (1000-2000 people i guess, small), and I feel they all laugh at me everytime I enter their territory (the main street).
When I stop pretending for other people, to please them, or prevent them getting angry at me, my true thoughts come through, and hit me like a ton of bricks. Thoughts like "What the **** am I doing?! Im wasting everything" but then if I was to try and get back into work and look forward, Id have social bloody anxiety right infront of me, stopping me. That would lead to me getting more avoidant and positive thoughts turn bad, causing more anxiety, ending up with me being stuck in the house again-like now.
Great cycle ay! Sometimes, Im just rabbiting abit, but sometimes I wish I was about 8 years old again, when I was 8 I didn't worry endlessly about everything and anything. When I was 8 I could shout, laugh, have fun, talk, play music, make noises...now I can't, because something in me is stopping me, my social anxiety.
It's like being lost in the world's most intricate, complicated maze, with no map on how to escape to freedom.