I had an okay week. I'm working through The Health Anxiety Workbook by Taylor M. Ham and I'm at a part where the "assignment" is to track your anxious thoughts for a week, which I started doing last Sunday, along with their triggers, the emotions they cause, and the intensity/certainty. Earlier in the week I was writing down a lot more thoughts than I was by the end of the week. I wasn't any less anxious about my situation in general, but I felt like it gradually stopped consuming every waking thought. I also found a website that teaches HA coping techniques and learned about reframing my anxious thoughts into less-catastrophic versions.

Last night I went to a graduation party with my sister and some friends and had a good time - I thought very little about what was going on.

Today is Mother's Day in the US. My sister and my dad took my mom out to lunch. No one in my family is aware of what's happening, and I feel like I did a good job not thinking too much about it. I admit there were a few points where I wondered where I would be next Mother's Day, but didn't let it consume me.

When I got home, I spent a little time on social media. I have triggering keywords blocked but unfortunately those videos which don't use certain keywords in their descriptions but still might involve the topics get through. I ended up landing on one of those videos that asks a question and then goes through a slideshow of answers from Reddit. The topic was "crazy things about the human body". I should've scrolled past but I thought it might be just interesting but innocent things. Nope - the third slide started with "pancreatic cancer can grow for years..." I shut the app down before reading the rest of the slide, but the damage was done. Whatever this thing is that was seen on CT has had two years to get bigger, worse, more sinister. I'm feeling physically sick (not "is this a symptom of PC" sick, anxiety sick) and like there's no hope for me.