Hi everyone I just thought I'd check in and see how we are all doing? My DP/DR has been very up and down for the last month. It hasn't ever went away 100% but then again, neither has my stress or anxiety. Its been bad the last few days especially. I feel like I can't feel anything other than grief and anxiety. I remember thinking in the past that it sounded cliche when people would say they only felt alive when they were hurting, well I now feel that with my DP/DR and its horrible. My DP/DR is often better in the morning or afternoon but it gets so much worse now that the early dark nights are here. It feels like days only last 5 mins and now I am back to dreaded night again. I think I know where fear of the night comes from - 1. from a huge panic attack I had at night recently before having to go to hospital for a bad urine infection and then 2 - insomnia. Agitation over lack of sleep has caused a lot of my meltdowns in the past. Grief on top of all of this wont be helping. I feel like I am walking about in a dream a lot of the time and don't feel like 'me'. I don't even feel like me when I look in the mirror but do get comfort looking back at old pics and recognise myself there at least. I am trying to remind myself that a lot of my problems now come down to habit and memory. Even I am starting to see a pattern of when I get anxious, when DP/DR flares up more etc so I need to try and break the habit or at least accept that my brain will be in this state for a wee while longer. I did have a good moments a few days ago when I felt as normal as I think I could in this state and instead of embracing it or even just relaxing within it, it made me panic and all I could think was "how the hell can I feel normal after all the hell I have felt lately?! Am I dead?! Is this a dream?!"

I don't feel like I have a safe place from DP/DR. When it all started, I felt better in my flat than outside then a few weeks later it reversed and then sometimes I felt only safe in bed and now its pretty much nowhere. I do find I feel a bit better if I am sitting/lying down watching something, playing a game etc but as soon as I stand up, it all hits me again. Sounds silly but even sitting on the toilet triggers it. Maybe its because of negative memories of panic attacks I have had on the toilet and in public toilets.

Ever so often sometimes even every few mins, I get spasms of fear (why is it we can always feel fear no matter how bad DP/DR is?! I just want to feel some joy and love ffs) and it makes me think I need to run to the hospital to get checked over physically or get evaluated mentally and then that they would no doubt section me. I've had this before but not for years so it all feels new to me again. This maybe comes from when I had to go to the hospital lately for that infection and was sure they were going to admit me (they didn't) which I was terrified of. The sectioning fear probably comes from the fact I just don't feel like me and that makes me feel crazy and sometimes close to suicidial though I don't think I would ever act upon it. I never have in the past when I have felt this but my god, the hopelessness is horrible to try and sail past. I find it hard to accept that my present feelings are temporary. Even after a million panic attacks in my life, I can very rarely say to myself "meh, this will pass in half an hour, nothing to worry about" and believe it.

Anyhoo, I hope you are all keeping well and please remember you are not alone in this DP/DR fight