My brother left on the weekend.

After I spoke with him I opened up about how I'm feeling in general. He came down to see me and do things together, but I was housebound for most of the time he was here. He went hiking one day, and I was due to go, but I bailed out because of anxiety. He offered to take me to theater, and Birmingham library. I love libraries, as does he. I couldn't do it. The days came and so did the anxiety and all of it's nasty symptoms.

I felt so guilty because his time here must have been boring. It was meant to be fun.

He understands me though. He knows I struggle.

When he left he sent me some money that I used to buy myself some much needed clothes. I haven't purchased clothes for years, and all mine are falling apart. The clothes arrived today and I look so much better. It's given me a confidence boost a bit.

I've been struggling a lot. The way my head has been was making me physically ill. Since my brother has left I've been eating better, my toilet troubles went away, and I haven't vomited.

At the moment I just prefer to be on my own, with my doggy.

Agoraphobia is hitting me hard. The local shops are not so local. About a mile walk. I used to walk it, but for the last 2 months I haven't. When my brother was here he came to dentist with me, and opticians. He came shopping with me. But if he wasn't there to do that, I'd have not done any of it. I tend to order from just-eat. Not for takeaway, but for milk, sugar, teabags etc.

I'm trying to find some places online where I can order meats, and vegetables, at good prices. I honestly can't do supermarkets. I tried Asda last weekend with the ex, and had to wait outside because I had a horrible panic attack. Flouresant lights, the hustle and bustle, the feeling trapped at the back of the store being a long way from the exit. Urgh!

I need some help. But I don't know who to reach out to. My doctor plys me with medications.

I'm in a better state of mind, but still not in a very good place.

I haven't drank alcohol for a good while. I seem to hit rock bottom when I'm not using alcohol as a crutch to do normal things. If I drank, I'd have done the hike, theater, library etc. I refuse to do that.