Hey guys, so I have a long history of health anxiety. It ebbs and wanes. Its always there stalking me though ready to hit me with ‘the fear’ when I I have anxious patches I tend to feel depressed but I don’t think it’s real depression I think it’s a low mood. Then I do something like redecorate my house or garden or get a new pet and it tends to piss off for abit. Lately though I just don’t know. My son has started full time school, he’s gone to a special school that I really had to fight for as he is autistic. I thought it would make me happy having sometime to myself without him here destroying the place or making constant random demands but it seems since he’s gone to school I just fall back into bed a lot of days and sleep the day away then wake up and he’s due home in an hour or 2 or sit tapping my feet all day googling bizarre symptoms, it’s like im having a mini breakdown somedays. Then he comes home and I try and act normal. I want to break up with my partner soooooo badly. I think I hate him. We are very different people. I think if we didn’t have our son we wouldn’t of lasted the 6 years we have. I just feel utterly cold towards him really. It’s funny because we can still have a sort of laugh together but I feel nothing for him at same time apart from when he annoys me and all my old bitterness towards him rises. He’s a very shouty, confrontational person and I never used to be. Now I have a reputation with people for being confrontational, rude and blunt… he’s obviously rubbed off on me somehow. I’m soooo easily irritated. I feel irritated by him, the weather, my house, the kids, the dog ect ect. I just feel suffocated honestly. I used to be a dancer I used to go on holiday all the time I was a free spirit, it was just me and my daughter who was such an easygoing, sunny child. Albeit I was crippled with anxiety now and then but I still did it all! Now since Iv met him and had my son. I feel like Iv been nailed to the cross sometimes never to be free again. I do love my son, his cheeky little face makes me laugh so much, he’s so crazy and naughty that at times he’s hilarious but he never stops, he doesn’t even sleep well at night, every day is a demolition derby with him. I know he can’t help it but sometimes I look at him and think oh my god I can’t stand you or ur father. Then I feel bad because I can stand my baby I love him to bits so why do I get these bad thoughts? I don’t think people like me are supposed to be parents. There are people out there desperate for a baby who can’t have one and then people like me get blessed with them, I know it’s not fair, motherhood comes so easy to some people but not to me. I had my first child at just turned 20 and if I’m honest I used to palm her off every weekend whilst I went to work….And I loved it no point lying. I didn’t get that instant rush of love either ? It took a while with her I was proud of her because she was/is a very attractive child and she was complemented all the time but that rush of love didn’t come till later, I do love her fiercely even though she’s now bigger than me 🤣 With my son I fell instantly in love with him. I couldn’t bear to parted from him as a baby literally didn’t want him to leave my eyesight. It was very different but as he’s got older I feel broken with worry and the feeling of being suffocated. I worry about his future all the time and what will happen to him if me and his dad died. Both family’s are pretty useless when it comes to the youngest. The only person who will watch him is my sister and that is literally for an hour. So different to my eldest child. I had to fight off the babysitting offers but obviously with him people don’t want their houses getting trashed and having to deal with non-verbal meltdowns ect. I don’t even know the point of my post really I’m just rambling on abit because I can’t sleep. Just wondering peoples thoughts on the depression thing. Like is it depression or are these just normal things and feelings that people go through ?