Discharged from hospital ... (again)

[Jacsta]

Hi all

As some have noticed I've been absent from NMP for around a month, and before that was only popping in and out. This is due to me being quite poorly mental health wise, to the extent that I've just spent another month in hospital following a relapse just before Christmas.

I wish I could say hospital has cured me, but all it has done is "stabilise" me, and in theory arrange my community treatment. They have tweaked my medication as well.

I have been in this hole for 6 months now. My sick pay is no more, and my confidence in myself and being able to recover is at an all time low. I am 5 months post diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder....yes I have come to accept I have this, but I can't see me getting over it or better from it.

I am due to be completely discharged from hospital tomorrow after a big MDT meeting....I'm terrified of this meeting as there will be lots of people present to talk about me and my craziness.

I thought coming home would be different, I thought I'd be able to cope better than I am. In reality I'm completely spaced out, I have a headache, and I have 0 motivation.

Anyhoo, thought I would update, and offload a little. My brain tends to get a little full.

[wabbit1]

Hi Jac.

Nice to see you on here again. I hope the meeting isn't too hard and remember it is to help you.

[SarahH]

Hi jack,
Its a hard place to be right now (I know as I have been "there"). You will get through this and come out a better person. I know I have. My mental health problems will never go away butI can live with them now. Medication, family and good, true friends will keep you going.

PM me if you want to.

Sarah x

[Oosh]

Sending lots of positive vibes your way. I hope your meeting isn't too unpleasant and is over quickly.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse again Jacsta.

Good luck with your meeting, get any questions you have written down so its easier on the day.

Your confidence will be shattered right now but it comes back as you start to see progress and don't feel so trapped.

[Jacsta]

Thanks all.....just getting ready to go back to the hospital now. I'm still in a daze and really know how I'm feeling. I think this is an auto protect self thing as in the past when something that scares me is about to happen my brain disassociates itself so that it doesn't freak out, run away, or breakdown......I shall update you guys later on how it has gone.

[MrAndy]

Hi Jacsta
two years ago i spent two spells in a psych ward and was lower than I thought life could ever get.Hospital did the same for me ,stabilise me with round the clock care and sorted out my community care when I came out.
So both in similar situations ,what I want you to know is recovery is possible but its bloody hard work,I am now back in a stressful full time job but coping with it and parenting a handful of a 3 year old..There is light at the end of the tunnel ,your next step is to intergrate back at home and the outside world.With the right support and care you can make a recovery please dont ever give up hope.The only issue I have now is struggling with my sleep and some mild anxiety,If I can do it so can you
Good luck we are always here to talk things through

[Jacsta]

Well, I've been to the meeting...I was wrong with the amount of people present....add a couple of students to the mix and it was a very crowded room.

I am officially discharged from hospital now. We could have discussed every mood to the moon and back but at the end of the day the hospital aren't doing anything for me anymore as I've stopped talking and they don't do treatment so the next step is the leap to community care. I am top of the waiting list for the nurse led clinic and there is a community nurse taking me on for follow-up care until a slot is available.

Am I ready to work hard at getting better? I'm not sure. I know that I have to work hard, I've always known that....unfortunately I've been that far gone for so long that I don't have a lot of strength or energy to keep fighting.

This past week whenever I've had conversations with people they keep using the really annoying phrase "you'll be fine". How do they know this? No one can possibly know the future....they are just saying it to make it sound like they are being positive and supportive, not because it's true.

Anyway....back to the real world...whether I can cope or not...

[MrAndy]

"you'll be fine" is very condescending something you dont need in your state of mind
I found coming out of hospital very difficult the 1st time but easier the 2nd time because i had experience of everything that was going on,from there i just took baby steps and tried to forget about all my responsibilities which wasnt easy
I feel for you Jacsta I really do,make sure you get the right support now you are out and dont take no for an answer,I had some terrible CPNs who just didnt give a shit and were going through the motions.
How can we support you on here ?

[Jacsta]

Thanks Andy....yes your experience sounds very similar to mine. The first time I was discharged was a shambles and none of the referrals had gone through. This time I know they have, but my conditions comes with trust issues, so I think that's why I've closed up.

I don't know how anyone can support me to be honest...I feel like I need to just get over this now....it's been going on far too long, everyone is tired, and I'm not going to have my job open for much longer....but getting over it requires motivation, and work.

It's nice to be able to "offload" somewhere...I've always been better at typing things than speaking them out loud.