How to deal with bosses who deliberately make you anxious?

[kutuup]

Hi, so I posted a few days ago about an incident at my new job, I got told off by the office boss over a little thing and we talked and left it at that, although I was anxious afterwards. I quite like that guy, he's reasonable, but firm, he handles these things pretty well. However, as I've been settling into the job, I've started to seriously dislike the guys who work under him but above me as supervisors. They just seem to be deliberately unpleasant. So today, I was 4 minutes late back from lunch as I had to take my medication and the watercooler is way over the other side of the building. Everyone was already back in the office when I got back so I was already anxious as all hell. So I walked back into the office nearly panicking, and immediately, one of them turns towards me from his desk which I have to walk past to get to my desk and just stares at me as I walk past. I was actually a little angry, I just thought "If you have something to say, don't stare me down, just say it!", so I mustered up the courage to just smile and say "is something wrong?". He still didn't say anything. I had to ask again before I got any response, even then it was from the other supervisor next to him. He just said "Are you just getting back from lunch?" I said yes. The first guy just kept staring at me. The second guy just said "Watch your time please." and went back to work, leaving me to walk away awkwardly.

Was there really any need for them to behave like that?? Hell, if I was a supervisor, and one of the people working under me came back 4 minutes late from lunch I literally wouldn't care! I might crack a joke while letting them know they need to be more prompt, like "Hey! Nice of you join us!", then smile and laugh it off. Especially if they were new, I'd cut them some slack, you don't know everyone's situation after all. It seems like these guys are just looking for opportunities to intimidate people or make them anxious. That's just not on. Just because someone works under you isn't an excuse to intimidate them and hang swords over them. Obviously if someone is repeatedly late, then it's an issue, but it was one time, and they acted that way. Surely it's a poor way to run a business to make the people who work under you nervous about you?

There's just something about this company I don't like. It's like everyone there seems to live in fear of the supervisors. I find it difficult to like people at the best of times, but I especially don't like people who intimidate other people.

However, the larger problem lies in how I respond to these kinds of situations. I've been a problem drinker for a long time, and when I get tense in situations like these at work, my default response is to drink a lot when I get home to forget about it. That's no good, and I don't need supervisors behaving this way, it really doesn't help, I need the people working about me to be firm, of course, but I need them to be supportive and amiable, especially to a new employee. Otherwise the temptation creeps in, and, although I'm really no different when I drink to when I'm sober (except I'm far more relaxed), so it doesn't affect my reputation or behaviour, it's not good for me! This is a bad habit that I'm usually very good at keeping off of, but it seems like people who manage others sometimes don't consider the effect they have on people, even ones they don't really know. I have no intention of falling off the wagon, it's just new job anxiety, but how do I deal with these people?? I can't rely on booze, that's no solution, just a temporary patch. Has anyone got any tips on how to respond to overbearing supervisors?

[suki300]

I can understand why you feel put out at their response to you being late, however - I think you need to maybe put yourself in their shoes and understand their response. Being on time for things is important in most jobs and it's important to a lot of bosses.

Being late can be seen as a sort of lack of respect - you are being paid in that time. Perhaps the man who was staring was waiting for an apology, perhaps he didn't answer because he was amazed you didn't apologise when you walked through the door. The other thing is it can annoy other employees - especially if you share work, they make an effort to be back on time. Has this happened more than once?

Is there any reason you couldn't have got all the things for your medication to avoid being late?

I'm sorry you're finding it difficult, but I think maybe you need to make an effort in not being late. I understand it is horrible being on the receiving end, but I think you need to take some responsibility on that one.

[ankietyjoe]

I can understand why you feel put out at their response to you being late, however - I think you need to maybe put yourself in their shoes and understand their response. Being on time for things is important in most jobs and it's important to a lot of bosses.

Being late can be seen as a sort of lack of respect - you are being paid in that time. Perhaps the man who was staring was waiting for an apology, perhaps he didn't answer because he was amazed you didn't apologise when you walked through the door. The other thing is it can annoy other employees - especially if you share work, they make an effort to be back on time. Has this happened more than once?

Is there any reason you couldn't have got all the things for your medication to avoid being late?

I'm sorry you're finding it difficult, but I think maybe you need to make an effort in not being late. I understand it is horrible being on the receiving end, but I think you need to take some responsibility on that one.

I have to agree with this.

Furthermore, I've been in a middle management position before and if somebody that worked under me turned up late, smiled and then asked if something was wrong I could easily construe that as being patronising.

Now I'm not saying that's what you were doing, but that's how it could be perceived.

I suspect that nobody is going out of their way to deliberately make you feel anxious, but from my own experience when I do feel that way I often assume that all eyes are on me, when they're really not.

[Fishmanpa]

Job 101 -

1. Be on time

Hate to tell you, but that's the 1st rule. In fact, being early by 5-10 minutes is typically seen as a good thing.

2. If you're going to be late (even by a minute) for any reason, let someone know.

Being late shows a lack of respect for your employer as well as a lack of responsibility on your part. Follow the first two rules and I assure you the work related anxiety concerning your supervisors will go away.

Good luck.

[Edie]

I'm sorry this happened. You know it's a one off, but when it happens in your first week it might look to them like it could be a regular thing. Now you know where the water cooler is, I guess you just need to allow extra time and make sure it doesn't happen again. Sounds like this company are hot on timekeeping - not all are - but now you know you can make sure you get it right in future. See it as a lesson learned and just keep doing your best.

[kutuup]

I see where you're all coming from, but I found it seriously unfair for them to act like that when I've worked there like 4 days, I'm still settling in, can't they cut me some slack? This company also has a policy I'm told about that I feel makes them hypocritical, apparently if you're even 1 minute late, they dock you 15 minutes pay. Urm, no. That's not how it works. If they're not paying me, I'm not working. So they're willing to make you work for free for 15 minutes, but if you do essentially the opposite, they get pissed off? It has to work both ways.

Anyway, all that is kind of irrelevant, I was late, it's my fault, what I'm angry about is how they handled it. There's literally NO need to intimidate someone like that and stare them down, if they've done something wrong, just say it and then let it go, if it carries on happening, THEN you can be more firm. I've worked as a manager before, and I consider it VERY poor management to behave like that with a new employee. These are people who didn't even introduce themselves when I started working there, they just sit at their desks, never say a word when you do a good job, but will sure as hell make it apparent when they're mad at you. That's not how you manage people. Making your employees afraid of you is piss poor management. If you behave like that, your employees will be unlikely to help you out when you need a favour.

[ankietyjoe]

I see where you're all coming from, but I found it seriously unfair for them to act like that when I've worked there like 4 days, I'm still settling in, can't they cut me some slack?

That just isn't how it works.

You'll also be on a probationary period right now, so it might be prudent to approach management and apologise for the timekeeping. As far as they will be concerned they have been very explicit on their attitude towards lateness.

[suki300]

Okay, you accept you were late and they might not be very nice people, but you're not coming across very well.

If I'm honest you're sounding a bit childish - and I don't mean to sound unkind, but it's a bit like when you do something wrong when you're a teenager and then you get really angry with your parents because you've been grounded and you hate your parents and think they're horrible.

I doubt they're suddenly going to become the type of managers that you want them to be, but unless they're really bullying and victimising you, then I think you just need to let the stares and lack of human empathy go. Be nice to them, say hello, swallow your pride and be on time and try not to take things personally - cold people are often like that with everyone.


Could it be that you're just not used to being in the workplace? I work from home and would struggle with the reality of an office. Life becomes so much more political and unfair - it's a bit harsher out there in the real world.

A lot of companies have the one minute late rule, especially large companies where you can imagine the loss in production if everyone was five minutes late - it might seem unfair, but you shouldn't be late unless you have a genuine reason.

Furthermore - think of your colleagues - is it fair on them for you to be paid when you're not there (i.e. late) and they're working - that to me is more unfair. I think they have to have that rule otherwise you'd just say - oh, I've only lost 5 minutes pay. if you think you're going to lose 15 minutes pay, it's going to make you think twice about being on time. Perhaps not a nice concept - but it would hopefully stop people taking the mickey.

[Edie]

I think it must be really hard when you've been a manager before, to have to be managed by poor managers. Sadly I think it's just something you're going to have to live with in this job and accept that this is the way things are done here. Docking pay in 15 minute units for lateness is very common, all of my employers have had this policy. It's not fair, but it is allowed and now you know they are strict about this you just have to find a way to be on time all the time, in order to make a good impression and keep your job. I do hope you can settle in and make a success of this. Hopefully in time you will work your way up to being a manager again, and you can manage your way. But for now, sadly you are stuck with it.

[kutuup]

Hey guys, thanks for your advice, I may have come across as a little short or childish in what I said, to be honest, I was just angry and frustrated. Having cooled off and moved on, I understand why the managers acted that way and I've smoothed things over with them. Luckily I'm very good at biting my tongue and I knew very well from experience to keep my thoughts to myself from them while I was angry.

I think what helped me calm down was to understand that they don't know I'm prone to anxiety and they were just handling the situation like they would with anyone else, had they known, they probably would have gone easier on me. They're not bad people, I just took their criticism a bit too hard and let it get to me.

Anyway, some good news, things have moved forward and I'm feeling much more comfortable at work, the bosses have gotten to know me a bit better and things are more friendly. I had a little chat with the big boss and explained to him that my reason for being late on that occasion was because I had to take my medication and asked him to keep it private. He agreed and said he understood that anxiety is very common, but to please in future make sure I take my meds at the beginning of break time so I don't forget and end up being late. I thought this was very fair and understanding of him so I agreed to be more careful in future. Then I noticed his handsome Dune mousepad and we had a chat about how awesome that movie is :P

Long story short, I overreacted, but I'm glad I'm good at keeping my thoughts to myself as things have come out well and me and the bosses have a better understanding of each other and I get that they feel the same stress I used to feel as a manager so we have common ground. All in all, I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about this job