Ultrasound for sore jaw, swollen lymph nodes and my HA

[carriewriting]

This is definitely the worst HA flare I've had for a while. I'm getting on top of the episodes in a decent amount of time but they're still pretty overwhelming and come in hard and fast.

Try thought I might, I could not put that molar out of my mind last night. I'm convinced it has moved, although I admit I can't think of a time when I would have run my finger over my teeth to have found it before this. I went through my phone and looked at old photos and I think it's always been that way or at least for a while although it's hard to get a clear view as it's third from the back.

I saw the dentist this morning and mentioned it. She tapped all my teeth (no pain) and said she didn't see anything of concern with my gums or mouth. She thinks I'm grinding my teeth but said it's hard to prove and costly to treat so recommended relaxation techniques (haha).

She didn't even take an X-ray and she is very thorough so I take heart from that and while I am still ruminating a bit on that molar being out of alignment, I'm feeling more confident that the chances of a serious problem are diminishing. I just need to get the ultrasound out of the way next week.

My weekend plans are to destress as much as possible.

[jojo2316]

How did the dentist go?

[carriewriting]

Hi JoJo, the dentist was very unconcerned which was reassuring. She tapped on my teeth and there was no pain and she said it's most likely teeth grinding but that it's hard to confirm it. We both laughed that surely I wouldn't grind my teeth as I'm such a calm person She said I can get a splint if I want but suggested some meditation might be cheaper to start with.

My neck ultrasound is tomorrow. I've been prepping for the worst case scenarios again. I've realised how much being prepared for the worst so I don't fall apart is part of my health anxiety. The thought of being surprised or shocked and having an emotional reaction is very scary for me.

It's so irrational though as a lot of really bad things have happened to me in my life and I wasn't prepared for any of them but I coped.

My jaw pain is still there but not as bad as it has been. I'm ashamed to admit I have been Googling again today to find out all the possible things a neck ultrasound can detect (so I'm not surprised!) My health anxiety rationale is that some catastrophic thing will be found incidentally.

The Googling turned up something that was a big fear a few years ago that I really could have done without reentering my head.

So I really haven't helped myself today, but it's made me more aware of how vulnerable I am before medical tests and I'm going to do some work on the preparation thing.

[carriewriting]

Time to close off this thread.

I saw my GP today. The neck ultrasound showed nothing of concern in relation to my jaw pain. Lymph nodes and salivary glands were normal. Official diagnosis is TMJ from grinding my teeth so I'm getting that sorted.

A minor issue with my thyroid was also found but nothing to worry about (haha!) Actually I'm not worried about it but probably that's because my health anxiety has already switched to something else.

That's the way it goes but every time I get through an episode with less anxiety is a win.

Thanks so much for your kind words and support.

[jojo2316]

This is really great news carrie- i hope you can have some peace from your worry for a bit!

[carriewriting]

Thanks JoJo. I did have about 30 minutes of peace but then you know, the mind finds other things to worry about!

Today I had a really good day at work. There were lots of people in the office and we had so many laughs. Walking out of the building I thought, imagine if this was my life - if I just enjoyed things and didn't stress about health all the time.

I made it to my car before I had thoughts about a spot on my scalp (checked it in the car), came home and had a shower (breast check), then sat on the edge of my bed while looking at my laptop and fell off (doh!) but something similar happened a few weeks ago when I slid off a bench seat that had a cushion missing on the end and I fell off (also when distracted by my laptop) but of course I immediately I start freaking out about that and Googling spacial awareness tests which I then spent half an hour doing (and passed!).

Talk about exhausting! Anyway, reflecting on all this tonight I thought the only thing I really need to be concerned about is things that could happen unexpectedly eg. heart attack or stroke. And one of the best things I can do about that is to stop stressing about every little thing.

I've realised that all the things I worry about so much - mostly cancer and dementia - wouldn't impair me immediately like a heart attack or stroke would. I'd have time to make the plans I'm so desperate to make in advance of a diagnosis. It'd suck, but I'd have time to deal with it and I'm the master researcher and planner so I'd make the best of whatever bad situation came along.

Weirdly, this has been incredibly comforting and I feel like I've turned a corner, but let's see what happens next

Thanks for being my buddy in this thread x

[jojo2316]

Sometimes i have that comforting thought too. (I usually leave dementia out of it though!!).
Do you write professionally Carrie?

[pulisa]

Hello Carrie..I'm glad that tests have ruled out anything sinister.

I just wondered how you would feel if "nothing" actually happened next? Would you feel uncomfortable? Would you feel as if you were "missing" something (in terms of not feeling on the alert)? Would you increase your self scanning and checking "just in case"? Would you feel very unsettled and not your normal self?

[carriewriting]

Hi JoJo, yes I am a writer. Fiction mostly

[carriewriting]

Hi Pulisa, whenever I feel like nothing is happening I get a horrible sense of dread/doom and either get an intrusive thought about some health worry I've previously had and start fixating on it again or I find something new to worry about. I often catch myself poking and prodding myself and I'm not even aware of it until I find something that hurts or raises alarm bells. Both these things have happened during this thread several times.

During one of the worst times of my life I had zero health anxiety for months because my misery was so high due to that life event. I didn't need the health anxiety.

I'm making more of an effort to put myself in situations where I can laugh and have fun.

It's scary but I know it'll be worth it to push through the fear.