i can fight anymore. i give in!

[bashley]

Hi,
I am so low today, ive given up the fight the health anxiety has won im totally beat.
I have health anxiety for 5 years it all started with my heart was sure i would die through having a heart attack. I keep getting pains, palps and ectopics had been to A & E a couple of times they wired me up to ecg said i have fast heart rate gave me Diazapan. Also see a cardioloigst who listened to my heart and said all ok palps,ectopics are a normal thing. I then was prescribed anti depressents as my gp's were so fed up with me keep going there about my heart. I finally came of the tablets December 10 tried to be strong then had a set back, my friend died of cancer at the early age of 44 this sent me into a panic about cancer i went for a scan and told i have a cyst and fibriod. Still i try to cope, i tried to be more active and eat healthier. I get the odd ectopic which i try and get over, but last night in bed i had two massive ones, it truly felt like my heart was trying to break out of my chest. I was petrified kept thinking im dying, my poor children will wake to find me dead. I now realise i truly cant beat this im not strong enough anymore. I feel so tired and worn out, i cannot do this anymore, my whole life is revovled around my health. I won't go abroad incase i die over there, i hate going to far in case i pass out. I drive my family mad, and i don't want to be like this but i cannot help it.
I have to check everything 4 times the 4 symbolises my family unit it drives me mad but i cant break this cylcle. So im finally admitting its won, im to weak to fight anymore.:weep:

[pinkdove]

Hiya Bahley, please do not give up, you are much stronger that you realise, you have already proved that bu the way you are dealing with your problems, there are so amny people going through the same as you, and feel they are beat, but it is surprising how you can get throughit, you have your children to keep you going, and do you have some good days, are you getting any help, counciling or cbt?? please talk to someone who may be able to help, look through the forums on this site, you will find some like minded people you can talk to, but please don't think oi has beat you, it has'nt. things will get better take care :hugs:

[paula lynne]

Hi Bashey, Ive been reading all your other threads. Bless you, you dont seemed to have improved at all and are still in that terrible black hole. Did you ever contact RLR regarding your heart/ectopic anxiety?

Your cyst and fibroid are easily treatable, try not to panic over that.

Did you ever read Dr Claire Weekes as recomended on one of your threads?

I too worry about passing out/fainting when I go out. Do you know what? In ten years of panic/agoraphobia/anxiety...I have NEVER passed out. Its the fear of it. Thats why it has control over you.

I think that for me at least, accepting the palps, anxiety, vertigo and everything else was the key to me getting better. I decided to carry on with my day DESPITE the feelings. Something amazing happened very quickly. I started to feel better! ALL the sensations quickly became less and I was able to cope better. I began to TAKE BACK CONTROL.....and it lost its power over me.

I still get days when I feel dreadful, and I accept them. Today, I have bad palps, and am really dizzy. Instead of fighting, I accept it. I do a little housework, some cooking, watch TV. I do not dwell on the feelings. I sit down often, and relax. Be kind to yourself ok. I have relaxation CDs which help, especially after a bath when I go to bed. I also use Lavender a lot on my wrists to sniff when I feel bad panic.
Learning correct breathing helps.

What Im basically saying to you, and this may sound mad.......today may be the start of your recovery. You have stopped fighting it. You start accepting it. Go about your day taking the feelings and sensations with you. It becomes easier as weeks go on to have those feelings.....but pay less attention to them.

You will be taking back control by accepting them. Constant worrying about how you feel is feeding your anxiety. Keep busy, distract yourself, eat well, get lots of rest, laugh at your body when it wont do what it should, talk and open up to your husband, accept that your palpatations are a nusience but wont harm you, take some fresh air everyday.........do all these things while giving your feelings PERMISSION to come with you while you do them.

Being pro-active is the key here. Im sure everybody reading this wishes they had a magic wand that could end your suffering. But NOBODY can make you better, only YOU can do that. Stop fighting your life, accept you have these feelings but dont let them ruin you. You ARE strong, start believing in yourself. I had ectopics all day yesterday, and when I went to bed they were really bad. I accepted they were there and couldnt harm me, let my mind drift off, and eventually went to sleep. They may well be there tonight as well, but I will not let them worry me anymore. Ive had ECGs and a 24hr monitor.....I was diagnosed with aortic reflux (blood goes wrong way/regurgitates).....your heart is ok though. Now, if I can go to bed with ectopics because of a heart problem is it possible you can go to bed with ectopics WITHOUT a heart problem? Yes, you can. Accept them love. You will be ok.

I really hope you start getting better soon, Im so sorry you feel like this. Ive been there (8 years in hell!).....but recovery is possible. NEVER GIVE UP!!!!! Your anxiety has won the battle, but not the war! Please come back on here and let us know how you are doing.....

Love, Paula xxx :hugs:

[bashley]

Hi Paula,
I have tried Claire Weekes book, but when im in this dark place nothing seems to help.
Sorry to sound dumb but you mentioned RLR please could you explain what it is as i will try anything.

Bashley

[blueangel]

Hi Bashley

I don't think Paula is on line at the moment, but RLR is one of the users on here. He is an amazing man who is a retired doctor in America. He gives very good advice on medical stuff and I think he runs his own forum on palpitations/ectopics.

Hope this helps.

[ceecee]

hi Basley
I,m suffering in the same way too at the moment,and i too feel as though this is taking over my life too,but I,m soooo bloody determind that it ISN,T going to beat me!!!!!!!!!!!!I have suffered with HA for nearly ten whole years and it is always related to some kind of c*%cer,I can't even write the word I am that afraid of it!!!!!!but you will get over this,,,,,,I'm not sure if it ever goes away,but it,ll become sooooo much more managable :)
You have to keep telling your thoughts to "Do one" if that makes sense!!!!

[xJust_Sarahx]

Hi
Firstly, dont put yourself down! You wont be driving your family mad - im sure they understand. By the sounds of it you sound like you were doing really well, and because you have a set back it doesnt mean you have failed or anything like that! Its a really hard thing to go through, i know from personal experience and what happens to me - that it feels like your alone and no matter how many times you go to the doctors they seem to fob you off! I mean you go with a general worry but they take one look at your notes and see that you have a problem with anxiety or that u have had a panic attack and they automaticly put it down to that! Thats what it feels like to me anyway!!

But the thing is, it is normal for palapations etc, it doesnt put any strain on your body at all. My last two pregnancies were torture for me, because i always get palpations and i have panic attacks a few times a day and obviously i monitor my breathing and swallowing all the time, so i was worried through out my pregnancies - but i was told that panic attacks wouldnt harm the baby etc! I thought i was a failure. I know that my kids help me get through things and im sure your kid/kids do the same.