View Full Version : Sorry to keep posting about this - just don't know how to help myself
harasgenster
17-03-11, 14:51
Hi
I'm sorry to keep posting about similar things, I'm just finding it really hard to help myself and I need some ideas!
The feelings of insecurity and jealousy over my boyfriend are getting worse. It's moved slightly on to another thing now. There's someone he used to fancy on his Facebook. I never go on Facebook so I don't even see it very often but when we first met I noticed he had sent a lot of pictures he had drawn (he's an excellent drawer :) ) to a girl. We met on a dating site and before we met in person for the first time, he sent me his Twitter username to follow him. When I looked he'd written something like "[name of same girl] has just come in with no trousers no". He'd posted a lot of messages about sex as well. I assumed he had met someone else, but I didn't feel too bad about it since I didn't really know him and I was on a dating site for fun - I was perfectly happy being single.
When we first started going out, we talked about how each of us aren't great with the opposite of sex, and he told me about all the things he'd done to try and woo this girl - same girl as Facebook and Twitter.
So this is a like a year ago that he told me these things, so logically it must have been more than a year ago that he fancied her, since he was telling me he "used" to fancy her and it was when he was living in a shared house (when I met him he was living alone).
But suddenly I've started to feel insecure again. Because we met on a dating site he never got the chance to form a crush on me, chase me or even fantasise about me - he was never obsessed with me like this other girl! I once asked him if he had fantasised about me before we erm..."did it"...for the first time and he said he hadn't had time and hadn't really got there yet. I'd fantasised about him, though.
So now I feel beneath this other girl because he never had a crush on me. He said he fancied me on our first date, and I believe that, but I wish I had been the girl he had chased. Wouldn't doing that make him more appreciative of our relationship? Does the fact it was so easy for him to get with me devalue our relationship or make it less special or exciting?
I've never been chased by anyone who I fancied back before. I've only been chased by old men, weirdos or perverts. The only nice people I've ever dated I have had to ask them out and they always split up with me in the end. Everybody who's ever asked me out I've split up with in the end.
A while ago I read that if a girl asks a guy out they will definitely split up because it was too easy for the guy - they didn't need to chase. I brushed this off when I read it but now I'm starting to believe it. I don't actually think he'll split up with me, but I'm more worried that the reason he won't is because he wants an easy life and maybe he doesn't really believe he'd be able to get with anyone else anyway.
But what if our love isn't strong enough? If we stay together have we condemned ourselves to mediocrity? We have pretty much lived together since we met and have felt "comfortable" from the beginning. I love him but we didn't have that exciting passionate bit at the start of our relationship - we were sort of "in a long term relationship" from when we first met - we immediately acted like a married couple!
I know this is just because we suit each other so much, but I keep feeling like I want someone to chase me and woo me and for it to be someone I like for once. I keep thinking about splitting up with bf because I feel like we've settled down too quickly and we could be happier in other relationships because there'd be passion there. But I do actually love him and I really don't want to split up (if that makes sense)
Sorry for the long ramble. This is starting to severely disrupt my life now. I'm getting massively behind at work, I'm not making enough money, and I've started sleeping through the afternoon because I feel so exhausted all the time.
It's getting ridiculous. I've tried challenging my thoughts, downward arrow technique, I've tried attempting to change my behaviour, catch automatic thoughts...I can't concentrate on any of this enough to engage in it and as soon as I start doing it I just feel like I want to sleep.
It's a while until I get therapy, so is there anything I can do? I don't want to end up splitting up with my boyfriend because of this - I split up with my last boyfriend for a similar reason (I still loved him very much) and really, really regretted it. It just made my depression so much worse! Bf wants us to get our own place (currently in a shared house together) but I'm thinking of asking him if we can go back to living separately - maybe if we did this it would be more exciting when we saw each other and there'd be more passion and I'd feel better about the relationship. Maybe we'd go out on dates more then as well?
Hi haras, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. When you suffer with an illnees you need to make your life about you. You come first. The other thing i wanted to say is that no matter how long you are in a relationship the passion and chase should not stop. Thats what keeps it going. I was in a long term relationship with a girl and whilst it did'nt work out i still worked hard at the romance and the passion, roses on the bed, little messgaes when i made her sandwiches for work in her lunch box. Even put on a candlelit dinner in a local forest. Don't want to sound like i'm bragging but to me those things are standard in a relationship to me....
harasgenster
17-03-11, 15:09
He does do little things. Like if I'm upset he'll bring me a present - usually just ice cream, ha!, but he makes sure I've got a surprise. He also gave me the most thoughtful birthday gift I've ever had and apparently he's got something extra special planned for our anniversary (it's a surprise, I'm not allowed to know!).
So there you go, I've just disproved myself - so why on earth do I feel so bad?
Urgh, I'm going to get a shower and try to get moving. I haven't done anything today.
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 15:17
I get this... and my boyfriend COMPLETELY chased me. When we first got together I had only seen him a couple of times and he whisked me away to Liverpool... then my anxiety hit hard and I told him I couldn't commit myself to a relationship.
He respected me, tho a month or so later, we were texting just as friends and I told him I was going to the hospital for an appt with my respiratory consultant... just general chit chat. when i got out my appt he was sitting there in the waiting room! said he just had to see me. the rest is history!
my point is, even though i was completely chased, i think this feeling is down to insecurity. i'm worried now we live together the spark will go or the love will run out, that we are too comfortable... the first night we met we were in a taxi and the driver said something along the lines of we looked perfect together, like we'd been together for years...we've always acted as though we just know we are right and we'll always be together.. so why do I get this insecurity?
I know I'm not helping..but I guess what I'm trying to say it what you know yourself...it's not about the way your boyfriend behaves - he sounds exactly like mine, cheering me up with a choccy bar or something he knows will make me smile...but it is something inside of you. from reading your posts lately it's clear you are insecure and unhappy in yourself... maybe you need to do more for you? can i ask why you don't look after your appearance etc, have you always been this way (please don't think i am trying to be offensive there)... i let myself 'go' sometimes and then when i have a bit of a tidy and a toenail polish i feel like a new woman! plucking my eyebrows...putting on a bit of a slap... there is nothing wrong with these things that can lift our spirits... i know you think you aren't getting anywhere but you are, you've done a lot of hard work on the self-analysis lately and you will get there step by step..unfortunately it's not an overnight journey...
yes get in that shower woman!! you know yourself ligging about won't help. concentration at work is hard especially when feeling like this. my problem is at the moment i'm addicted to NMP and come on here constantly throughout the day at work...ahhhhh!!!
Be kind to yourself xx
Hi haras, do you think maybe it's a case of "the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence"? I wonder how many decent relationships you'll have to walk away from before you find the perfect one? It took me till I was 41 to stop and truly think about what I wanted and needed... by that time I had recognized what was important, and what wasn't. If you keep pushing people away I think that perhaps you're just not ready for a serious committed relationship? Maybe you need to "get to know you a bit better"?
Hello you. Oh my... you are in a pickle aren't you?!! On the one hand you seem like a very confident young woman and on the other hand you seem totally insecure! Let's break this down...
I'm assuming you recently saw this other woman on your bf's Facebook wall and that reminded you of her and how they met. My first thought is why did you ever talk to your bf about what he did to woo someone else before he was with you? That kind of information would upset/unsettle most women! Now you know what he did to woo her you have to somehow let go of that information as it's not healthy obsessing over it. The past is the past and nobody can change that.
You are worried your bf never had time to form a crush on you. Well people get together in all different circumstances and that doesn't make one relationship any more worthwhile than another. The only thing that matters is how happy you are together and how well you get along. From your other posts it's clear that your bf treats you well and loves you.
The article you read about men always breaking up with women who asked them out is a load of old rubbish! Stop reading articles looking for relationship problems that aren't there! A relationship either works or it doesn't and how you met has nothing to do with it.
You have not condemned yourself to a life of mediocrity. If you think things have become too comfortable then plan a date night, plan a mini break, play some sexy games in the bedroom or whatever to spice things up a little. But don't end a happy relationship for fear that it might be something that it isn't!
I definitely think at some point you need to see a counsellor about this as I think you actually have low self esteem. There is no point comparing yourself to other women and worrying about the what ifs. I'm not a jealous person because I believe that if a man is going to cheat or leave you for another woman he will do so anyway and it won't be because of something you have done. In other words it's something inside of him at fault.
My ex met a few women online before he met me and I didn't like seeing them popping up all over his Facebook page. It didn't make me feel insecure about myself but I did get fed up with reading their flirty messages and I felt that him leaving them on his page was disrespectful to me. I asked him to remove them from his friends list as they were no longer 'flirting' and after a lot of arguing he agreed. I think if seeing this woman on his Facebook page upsets you it would be reasonable to ask him to remove her DEPENDING on the nature of their friendship now. If it was just a flirty fling he shouldn't mind removing her from his friends list. I will say that this isn't going to resolve your ongoing feelings of insecurity and your habit of comparing yourself to other women though (which we all do a bit but not to such an extent).
Please try and focus on the good things in your relationship. Your bf sounds like a good bloke. :)
harasgenster
17-03-11, 15:46
maybe you need to do more for you? can i ask why you don't look after your appearance etc, have you always been this way (please don't think i am trying to be offensive there)... i let myself 'go' sometimes and then when i have a bit of a tidy and a toenail polish i feel like a new woman! plucking my eyebrows...putting on a bit of a slap... there is nothing wrong with these things that can lift our spirits...
Hi
Don't worry, that's not offensive in the slightest :) I used to take slightly more care over my appearance but that was when I was social phobic and felt like I needed it to go outside. That's one of the reasons I tried to look good, the other was that I was underweight at the time so I already thought I looked quite good and getting dressed up was like "highlighting my good features".
Nowadays I feel embarrassed if I try. I'm a normal weight now and I don't really like the way I look. My idea of normal weight may be a little skewed anyway. I'm 8 stone - BMI of about 19 - so I realise that's actually pretty slim. It doesn't look slim to me, though. Sometimes I get dressed up and think I look good, but mostly I just think I look like a man in drag! And then when I realise that getting dressed up nice and putting on make up doesn't make me pretty I feel worse. Not looking after myself maybe does get me down because I feel dowdy and useless. But I can't remember whether I ever really enjoyed getting dressed up. I certainly never dressed up "for other people" only for myself. I didn't care how other people thought I looked (I was a goth for years!!!) But I can't remember how it felt, I suppose - whether it actually made me feel better.
It is something I should try. You may have noticed from other posts that I've been finding it pretty hard just to get myself in the shower and put clothes on recently (I've done it now, by the way :) ), so it feels like a massive leap. I know I should try, though. I'm just so worried it'll make me feel more depressed.
Hello again. I just thought I'd add that having a bath, straightening my hair, shaving my legs, wearing a little bit of makeup and painting my nails LITERALLY makes me feel a million dollars and I would highly recommend it as a pick me up for any woman! I am agoraphobic and rarely see anybody so the person I'm doing it for is ME and nobody else. If I was with a man and was dressing in a sexy way I would still be doing it for me to make ME feel sexy and confident. I think there is a difference between doing it for yourself because it makes you feel good and doing it for someone else because you feel you have to.
harasgenster
17-03-11, 15:56
I'm assuming you recently saw this other woman on your bf's Facebook wall and that reminded you of her and how they met.
Nope, unfortunately it just popped into my head! I don't really go on Facebook :)
My first thought is why did you ever talk to your bf about what he did to woo someone else before he was with you? That kind of information would upset/unsettle most women!
I know. It was a first date conversation. We were talking about why we resorted to online dating and swapping funny stories about the stupid things we'd done in the past because we're both really shy and get it wrong a lot! He didn't really get into how he wooed her. All he said was that he fancied her and got so nervous that he called her "fat" - he had no idea why he said it! I worked out who she was because before our second date he added me on Facebook so I had a look at his drawings there - that's how I realised they were all sent to this women, in tribute to her. Me and him have never actually talked about it.
Please try and focus on the good things in your relationship. Your bf sounds like a good bloke. :)
He's an ace bloke :) And you're right about everything. Now, why can't I just get that through to my head?! I'm getting so frustrated with myself! I know I should believe the truth but my heart's just not in it for some reason.
As for their relationship. They were never more than friends and she was never interested in him. They don't really talk now, I don't think. I seem to remember him saying he spoke to her over the internet at some point earlier in our relationship, but he told me because he was telling her how excited he was about moving in with me - he was just recounting the conversation because he was really happy about everything.
So it's stupid, I know. There's actually no reason for him to remove her from Facebook because they really don't talk much. They're not close, and he never mentions her. There's a bit in my head saying "yeah but what if he talks to her all day on IM when he's at work" or "what if he's fantasising about her - I bet she shaves her armpits and wears make up and gets showered everyday!"
I'm so sick and tired of myself. My mind is completely ridiculous and I feel like I can't control it!
Thanks for all your advice everybody! You're all right, I just need to keep reading this and try to accept it!
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 16:01
Hmmm. So i think all the problems stem from insecurity in yourself and your perception of what is beautiful, what is perfect, what makes a good relationship.. you're always trying to match up to these expectations and false realities you have created for yourself, maybe?
I guess it's a bit of a mix for me. Like today I came to work with my glasses on, my hair looking like cr*p, no make up and I felt exhausted and gross. When i went back on lunch I put my contact lenses in, did my hair and put on make up. That wasn't for anybody elses benefit, but for me, and I felt completely different, I guess like I was ready for the day!? Does that make sense?
I know sometimes how much effort it can be to drag yourself through the carwash (shower) but things like that are essential to maintaining a routine and a grip on what should be normal for you. I dunno about you, but I start to feel gross after a day in the same pjs or whatever - even if you got up and had a nice bath it might make a difference.
I'm really not trying to tell you what to do. I guess im saying what you have recognised yourself - that your behaviours at the moment aren't working and you need to try something new. I'm worried about your views about weight etc., how tall are you? Did you say you're on the waiting list for counselling?
I am tall and sometimes when I put heels on i feel like a man in drag!!! But other times I feel lovely when I dress up - I think it depends what kind of mood I'm in..so you're not alone there x
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 16:04
ALSO i have ridiculous thoughts about my bf too - like if he tells me about a woman at work I'm like ahhh i bet she's gorgeous and they'll get chatting and she'll be confident and sexy and he'll be so attracted to her blah de blah.. i think these might be normal insecurities for a woman?
x
There's a bit in my head saying "yeah but what if he talks to her all day on IM when he's at work" or "what if he's fantasising about her - I bet she shaves her armpits and wears make up and gets showered everyday!"
I have followed some of your other posts and you come across as very confident about the way you look/dress etc. However this statement tells me something rather different. If you are comparing yourself to others in the sense that you think they shower/shave more etc then doesn't that perhaps tell you that something is stopping you from doing so yourself? It's almost as if you think you should be doing it more but there is a mental block stopping you. Where do you think this has come from and what do you think it might be? My point is that these little pick me ups should always be done to make YOU feel better and not to please someone else but it's as if you can't do it for yourself and you see it as demeaning in some way to do it for others???
Oh and yes, your bf COULD be chatting to other women on IM all day but the chances are he isn't. The same applies to any woman who has a bf/husband. You just have to trust them and if they turn out to be sh*ts you have to dump their sorry @rses because we can do so much better!!! You can't live in fear of these things happening though. The evidence suggests that your bf is lovely and treats you very well. You're lucky!
harasgenster
17-03-11, 16:08
Hmmm. So i think all the problems stem from insecurity in yourself and your perception of what is beautiful, what is perfect, what makes a good relationship.. you're always trying to match up to these expectations and false realities you have created for yourself, maybe?
I'm worried about your views about weight etc., how tall are you? Did you say you're on the waiting list for counselling?
I am tall and sometimes when I put heels on i feel like a man in drag!!! But other times I feel lovely when I dress up - I think it depends what kind of mood I'm in..so you're not alone there x
Hi, yes. Perfectionism. In everything. If it's not perfect it's rubbish - beauty/relationships/work - I used to be a comedian and promoters wanted to put me on at certain gigs that I refused, because even if they thought I was good enough I thought they were stupid for thinking so and that I was actually completely rubbish!
I regret that sort of thing now, but it's so real to me when the thoughts are actually going through my head.
I'm 5"4 - average height for a British woman, apparently! The weight thing comes from years of eating disorders. I don't have much in the way of behaviours for this - I count every calorie and I overeat in a kind of bingey way sometimes, but my weight has been stable for four years.
All of the thoughts that caused the eating disorder are still there, though, I guess. It's just being transferred to other things. It's pretty significant that when I dumped that first guy I said I left for silly reasons when I actually really loved him - I'd just reached a normal weight. I assumed he would leave me (because he mentioned going to London) so I dumped him on the spot.
I never had proper counselling for the eating disorders and haven't had any prolonged form of therapy since this started 12 years ago. I've had bits here and there, though. Waiting for CBT right now.
My mind's just a confused mess of many different anxieties and emotions that come together to produce another worry everyday! You know how my NMP posts are always a rambling essay with loads of unnecessary tangents? That's what my mind's like 24/7 but faster! I can't keep up with what I'm thinking so I find it really difficult to challenge what's going on in there! My thoughts are just always confused :(
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 16:12
Yeah, it comes across that your thoughts are fast and all mixed up together, and the key to recovery comes in seperating these thoughts and finding out where they come from, and what needs to be put to bed in order for you to move on from them.
You could get your CBT sped up if you mentioned your fixation with weight. Because I had practically stopped eating, I got a CBT appt within a couple of weeks... you will be a higher priority...
ALSO i have ridiculous thoughts about my bf too - like if he tells me about a woman at work I'm like ahhh i bet she's gorgeous and they'll get chatting and she'll be confident and sexy and he'll be so attracted to her blah de blah.. i think these might be normal insecurities for a woman?
Yes I think all women feel a bit jealous and insecure about other women sometimes BUT it's how you let it affect you that matters. Thinking it and then shrugging it off is one thing, but dwelling on it and letting it destroy an otherwise good relationship is quite another thing!
harasgenster
17-03-11, 16:14
I have followed some of your other posts and you come across as very confident about the way you look/dress etc. However this statement tells me something rather different. If you are comparing yourself to others in the sense that you think they shower/shave more etc then doesn't that perhaps tell you that something is stopping you from doing so yourself? It's almost as if you think you should be doing it more but there is a mental block stopping you. Where do you think this has come from and what do you think it might be? My point is that these little pick me ups should always be done to make YOU feel better and not to please someone else but it's as if you can't do it for yourself and you see it as demeaning in some way to do it for others???
Yep, I have literally no idea what I think. I don't know where I stand on this point. I don't know if I want to shave or not, I don't know if I want to dress up, or whether I just feel that I should! I resent the idea of doing it (which makes me feel like I'd do only because I OUGHT to, or because I want to meet the levels of other girls) and other times I think, well I used to do it, and I didn't find it demeaning then.
I really don't know. I don't know what I think about this subject at all!
Oh and yes, your bf COULD be chatting to other women on IM all day but the chances are he isn't. The same applies to any woman who has a bf/husband. You just have to trust them and if they turn out to be sh*ts you have to dump their sorry @rses because we can do so much better!!! You can't live in fear of these things happening though. The evidence suggests that your bf is lovely and treats you very well. You're lucky!
You see, I used to think like this! Those would have been my words exactly! I think you're totally right but for some reason I can read your words and say: "definitely, she's totally right" but it doesn't FEEL right anymore. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm throwing your advice back in your face, because you're saying all of the right things, and all of the things I'd tell someone else in my position. For some reason I can't get myself to accept it! This is what's so frustrating! Thank you, though. You telling me will help. If I keep telling myself, if other people keep telling me, it might eventually go in!
harasgenster
17-03-11, 16:16
You could get your CBT sped up if you mentioned your fixation with weight. Because I had practically stopped eating, I got a CBT appt within a couple of weeks... you will be a higher priority...
Thanks, I was thinking about phoning them to find out when my assessment is likely to be. I'm not sure I'd get any kind of priority because my weight has been stable for four years now so I'm not in any physical danger. Thanks, though :)
It's almost as if you have two voices in your head who are constantly arguing with each other isn't it? It's like you question every thought and every feeling and feel the need to challenge them! It sounds almost like unwanted thoughts to me, but in your case it's not just about one specific thing, it kind of jumps from one topic to another. Having said that it does all seem to stem around self esteem issues.
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 16:18
I think you need to break down your thought process.
You don't want to wear make up. Your boyfriend doesn't care if you don't wear make-up. So what reason would you ever wear make-up?
Continually pitching yourself against how other people live will exhaust you and that sounds like what is happening now. It's your thoughts that are tireing you out. You changing the way you look etc., will be because of the insecurity you feel about these other women.. who are actually completely insignificant. Try rationalise these thoughts with ones that can relate to you.. for example if you had an old male friend who you chat to now and again, doesn't mean you're going to run off with him does it? Make the thoughts relevant to you and your behaviour and you may be able to reverse them
x
I think you need to break down your thought process.
You don't want to wear make up. Your boyfriend doesn't care if you don't wear make-up. So what reason would you ever wear make-up?
Continually pitching yourself against how other people live will exhaust you and that sounds like what is happening now. It's your thoughts that are tireing you out. You changing the way you look etc., will be because of the insecurity you feel about these other women.. who are actually completely insignificant. Try rationalise these thoughts with ones that can relate to you.. for example if you had an old male friend who you chat to now and again, doesn't mean you're going to run off with him does it? Make the thoughts relevant to you and your behaviour and you may be able to reverse them
x
Having said that she does seem to feel unattractive and I suspect she actually thinks she should be making more effort. I think if she makes an effort FOR HERSELF then that is a good thing. It's when you do it for someone else because they are belittling you that there is a problem.
I think having a makeover, buying new clothes or just painting your nails does wonders for your self esteem and I think it can only be a good thing. There is certainly no harm in trying a new look or even just buying a new perfume to try. Spoiling yourself makes you feel like you DESERVE spoiling!
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 16:25
Yes I agree, but she says she is happy not wearing make up - the only reason she thinks about wearing it, is because other people do, and she is pitching herself against others!
As I've said in my earlier posts I let myself go and feel gross, and then when I make the effort I feel good about myself again... like you say shoe i think haras has two voices battling against each other.
I wonder, how did you feel pre and post shower haras? Any difference?
I know she says she is happy not wearing makeup... but she doesn't SOUND happy at all does she?!! I think she spends far too much time questioning everything she does rather than just 'doing it'.
Sorry to talk about you as if you're not here Harasgenster. Only trying to help. :)
harasgenster
17-03-11, 16:31
Haha! Don't worry about it!
As for how I feel after a shower - nowadays, no difference. I usually just hope that it'll wake me up and I'll do some work!
Again, with the make-up thing. You both have good points and I don't know which of you is right. I don't know if I want to wear make up or not. I don't usually feel much different when I put it on. It doesn't make me happier anyway. It occasionally make me miserable because I think I still look awful! Sometimes I feel like I look good, but then that doesn't make me feel like I'm a better person.
It's really too confusing for me to work out. Sorry, I really am trying. I feel like everybody's trying to help and being so supportive and I'm not taking any of it in. I am really trying, though. Thank you all for spending so much time trying to help me!
PS: I've just realised I've forgotten to brush my hair! It's all tangled and wet from where I've been in the shower! Urgh, this is getting silly!
Do you have depression Harasgenster? I'm asking because I was told a sign of depression is that you don't care about your appearance and making an effort won't make you feel better... which is kind of what you just said. I think if you continued to do it you would eventually feel the benefit of it though. :shrug:
harasgenster
17-03-11, 16:42
It changes. Four months ago I would have said I was suffering from anxiety. Nowadays I'd say I was suffering from depression. I think I'm basically anxious and depressed and one comes to the forefront then the other does.
I used to suffer from severe depression and, yeah, that was not getting out of bed, wearing men's clothes so that I didn't have to look at myself, not washing (unless I was forced kicking and screaming into the bathroom!) because when it would mean taking the clothes off and having to face my own body. I just used to sob all the way through baths because my body was right there in front of me and it was so disgusting and grotesque.
Things aren't that bad now, thankfully, but I thought I'd write it down the feelings are basically the same but milder. I guess that means I have mild depression but the issues are the same! :) I think everything that's wrong with me is the same thing that's been wrong with me since I was 12 and this first started. It's just that I haven't had the therapy I need to tackle it and, as you can see, it's so deep rooted I'm having enormous trouble talking sense into myself, even though I know 99 per cent of the thoughts in my head all day are irrational!
allergyphobia
17-03-11, 16:46
I'm REALLY sorry if I have confused things - I feel like maybe me and shoegal are becoming the different voices in your head! Really sorry guys. I think maybe it is hard to offer good advice for you cause you don't know which route you need to follow... I'm sorry you feel so low at the moment, wish I could help more I really do x
That makes me sad to hear you talk about your body like that Harasgenster. We all have bits we don't like but you have to learn to love the good bits! That's why I pamper myself and paint my nails etc, it really makes all the difference for me. I think my painted little toes look quite pretty, yet my bare nails look ugly! I moisturise my feet every day because it makes them smell fresh and makes them lovely and soft. I hate it when I get crusty feet! I shave my legs in the bath because I hate the stubbly feeling I get when the hair starts to grow back. My hair is a frizzy blob on the top of my head, yet straightening it makes it silky to the touch. I'm very pale so I wear a tinted moisturiser to add colour to my cheeks. If I didn't do these little things for myself I would feel ugly and unattractive but when I make the effort I feel OK. These little things make me feel like I can face the world and give me a sense of pride in myself.
harasgenster
17-03-11, 17:00
I'm REALLY sorry if I have confused things - I feel like maybe me and shoegal are becoming the different voices in your head! Really sorry guys. I think maybe it is hard to offer good advice for you cause you don't know which route you need to follow... I'm sorry you feel so low at the moment, wish I could help more I really do x
You haven't at all! Everything you and Shoegal have written has helped me, it's encouraging me to look at my thoughts and really question them, so don't worry.
And both of you have been massively supportive today. This is helping, even if it seems like it's not. I think if I seem to be slow to take things on it's just because I've thought this way for so long. The thing is that I think all this make up stuff/all this shaving stuff - it wouldn't matter if I was underweight again. Fortunately for my internal organs, I'm not considering going back down the ED route. I'm done with that: it's painful, it isolates you, it makes you physically ill and it's dangerous. What's more, it doesn't even make you feel THAT much better! I've taken away my crutch, I think, and now I'm having to face my problems head on instead of trying to change my body to fix them. Perhaps the whole make-up/shaving thing is something I need to sit on for a while and experiment with to see what it is that will make me feel better.
For now, maybe what I need to think is this: I've taken away a crutch that could have taken away my life, and even if it hurts now, that's still progress!
See? Something good came out of this! :D
harasgenster
18-03-11, 08:41
People with the schema tend to be self-punitive - lots of put downs of themselves. It comes from feeling unloveable or not respected when younger (maybe a school context?). Often people with the schema also have the Unrelenting Standards schema - in other words, strive for perfection to make themselves feel less 'defective'. Eating disorders might fit into this, as might wanting/needing to be the sexiest, thinnest, funniest person etc.
One approach to handle the feelings of shame and being 'defective' is to over-compensate - e.g. want to be seen as the complete opposite, the absolute best. They set high standards. I noticed a bit of a dichotomy in terms of your thought process. Part of you thinks you aren't good enough, sexy enough etc. And then another part of you refuses to do anything that isn't 'you' e.g. bikini hair removal. I wonder whether this 'I should be good enough as I am' is a fight against the defectiveness - but you don't really believe it?
Essentially, at some deep level, the person thinks they are defective and unworthy of being loved as they are.
Anyway - these are just some thoughts that have come to mind when reading your posts. You can get more info in the Reinventing your Life book by Jeffery Young, which gives you ways to overcome behaviour/thoughts etc. utilising a mix of therapies, but largely CBT, or feel free to ask me questions. And apologies if I have overstepped the mark in any way, or am talking bullshit.
Dahlia
Hi, not at all, don't worry about it. Thanks for the info. I recognise bits of my Mam in this too! She does go out with people who don't treat her right etc and finds nice guys boring, but I've never really got the appeal of the "bad guy". Two of my friends are only interested in unsuitable men, though, so perhaps this is why with them!
Fortunately, I've only had one abusive boyfriend, and that was under exceptional circumstances when I was younger! I don't usually feel bored in good relationships, but I feel stressed if they're bad relationships! I do tend to think "a relationship is [add list of strict criteria]" and if that doesn't suit I worry. But that's more to do with needing relationships to be perfect. So I get stressed if not everything is exactly ideal - then I think it's a "bad relationship", even if objectively it's a very good one. Then I blame myself, or assume it's my fault.
So part of the schema sounds right to me. The possessiveness and jealousy has only arisen very recently.
As for my contradictory nature. This might be because I feel that I don't like myself but simultaneously tell myself I MUSN'T change. I reckon you set up core values at a young age. When I started school and didn't fit in I noticed other girls trying to impress the most popular girls by changing their tastes, the way they did their hair, the way they talked - as kids do! But I thought it was shameful. Thus I told myself I musn't change. That's actually pretty much worked throughout my life, in that I've never caved to peer pressure. But it also means that I can't think about my image - because there's a confusion there over whether it might be to impress other people, which I said back at the age of four was shameful! So there. Blame me at four! I was a very arrogant and stubborn kid! - And yeah. I guess to me that sounds like "I should be good enough how I am". And yes, weirdly I believe it, but the key word is SHOULD. It doesn't mean I really am actually good enough, it's that I SHOULD be good enough - so if I'm not, then I have failed somehow. It also fits in with another core value of mine: "So long as you always strive to be a good person, it doesn't matter what other people think of you". Sounds perfectly sensible and probably correct, but actually it stems from quite a lot of anger so maybe it's not that good for me! Besides, I think I can't really believe that stuff, because I don't act like I believe it! I refuse to admit to embarrassment in social situations - but I'm so shy it's really obvious that I must be embarrassed - then I get VERY angry at others if they change their image due to pressure or if they seem embarrassed of me for a very silly reason (my best friend always seems embarrassed of me, but she's always wanted to portray "the correct image" and I hate that attitude!)
Thanks for all the info! I'm going to have to read through this again at a later date. You've all given that much advice and information I can't quite take it all in, but I'll make sure I'm coming back and rereading :)
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