Boyfriend Doesn't Understand

[Rach J]

I tried having a chat with my boyfriend last night about my anxiety and we basically ended up having a blazing row. He asked what I was anxious about all the time and I said I didn't know exactly, that's what I'm hoping the counselling will reveal to me.

He told me that I shouldn't be suffering from anxiety because I have a good job, nice car, nice home, money in the bank, friends and a loving family. He said that other people have a lot less and they don't get anxious or panicky.

I love my boyfriend to bits but for a few minutes last night I hated his guts and thought to myself "spoken like someone who just doesn't understand", so I made a note to self - don't bother in future. Or should I try again? I live with him and for the moment, this is part of my life and I could really do with his support.

[Anxious_gal]

he can't relate, so there for he cannot understand how your feeling and so therefor can easily dismiss it.

i hate when people tell you, you do not have the right to suffer from anxiety or depression because you have a good life.

theres nothing worse than telling someone how you feel and then getting dismissed as if your just seeking attention :( it feels like your feelings don't matter.

try educating him, find something he can relate to, like maybe he gets nervous about certain things?

men sometimes don't respond well to weakness and emotions, maybe try talking about how anxiety makes your physically feel?

i find people to be much more sympathetic to my tachycardia n heart palps than to my "feeling" anxious.

[sammi]

Oh sounds just like my boyfriend that does. Bloody men:whistles: I agree with the previous post though he doesn't understand because he can't relate. I know its hard because you need his support as I do my boyfriends so what can you do. To be honest I'm suffering in silence at the minute because what's the point telling my fella how I feel cos he will shrug it off and then I feel worse. X

[Vixxy]

Show him this brilliant thread :)
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=77696

[Rach J]

Thanks for your support guys. I'll leave it a few days and then I'll try again. He's always been concerned about the palpitations so I can't fault him there, but he's also been of the opinion that I bring it on myself.

But as you say, he's just a man :lac:

[Nigel]

Hi Rach,

Oi! Less of the ‘he’s only a man’ :lac:

But what exactly does a good job, nice car, etc have to do with feeling anxious... :shrug:

While some people don’t give a damn, with others it’s more a case of not understanding. So if you think your boyfriend is the latter, perhaps you could find and print out some easy to understand info about anxiety for him to read in his own time. Either from here, or elsewhere on the net.

Mishel had an excellent idea in trying to compare your anxiety to something that effects him and that he can relate to. I had a good friend who had an eating disorder, and while I could never see how restricting food could make a person feel better about things, I could compare it to completely different things I did to cope with difficulties. So while I still couldn’t experience her eating disorder, I could get an insight into what drove her to it and how it felt when faced with stopping those behaviours.

Another thing to bear in mind is that ‘Men are from Mars...’ thing. Men are on the whole more practical creatures. They like to sort problems and fix things, and sometimes it almost feels like a failure when they can’t. Women on the other hand quite often don’t always want to be ‘fixed’ but just want a sympathetic ear; somebody to listen.

Take care :)
Nigel

[KK77]

But as you say, he's just a man :lac:

Listen, we ARE good at some things you know (what were they?) :wacko:

[sammi]

Yes what were they?:D

[sammi]

Lol

[evil monkey]

do you know what, my best mate was like this. from about 2 years ago to 1 year ago. (i only found out what anxiety actually was when i joined this site, 2 months back. had it for bout 10 years.)

he was inviting me out to pub etc, I didn't know what it was i was trying to explain to him. i just knew something was wrong. (the word we luv adrenaline)

what nigel said too. The couple of times i had a deep chat with him about it, ended up doing a list on a post it note of "what do i want to achieve". this is quite a bloke type thing, also depends on the person tho (another mate who just let me chat bout stuff a bit more). the help that i wanted (which i didnt realise at the time, because i didnt know what i had) was just someone to explain/talk about stuff to.(hey ho, nmp.) the list of achievements is actually something to do after the anx has been addressed/recognised.

being able to relate/being receptive is a big part i think. its almost about being taken seriously. or,appreciation of whats goin onx (broken bones are easier to understand):blink:

[supersezza]

I would try again too but yeah maybe he can relate more to the physical aspects of it all...I do think though that even if he doesn't understand he could be supportive.....i had a friend who had depression a couple of years before i did and at the time i didn't have a clue about it all...but i read a depression learning path and tried to understand...it would be nice if he was on your side a bit!

[Rach J]

Well, I have some good news, it took him a few days but we finally sat down last night and talked the whole thing through. I gave him the Anxiety and Panic Attack Self Help Guides that I downloaded from here and he read through them and when he'd done that, I had a massive hug and an apology.

He said he had no idea what I was going through and felt terrible :yesyes:

We also talked about my eating disorder (bulimia). We had a row about that a few weeks ago and he threatened to leave me if I carried on with it, hence my visit to the doctor, but he explained it was upsetting to him that I was hurting myself and there was nothing he could do about it.

Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words of advice and support. :flowers:

[sammi]

That's brilliant news I'm so glad you managed to have a chat and sort things out xx

[Anxious_gal]

yay aw he sounds so sweet now hehe
glad he understood x well done for sitting him down and educating him.

[supersezza]

glad to hear a good ending to this!