View Full Version : Citalopram Blog - Looking for support!
Hi everyone!
I just joined the site today, and boy am I glad I did! I must have read half the site and replied to half of the threads dealing with paroxetine and citalopram... lol
My anxiety started two years ago now, and it came on hard and strong. I went for three months denying anti-depressants, but finally agreed to take parox. Worked like a charm for me, though the starting side-effects were kind of scary - but no worse than what I was already feeling.
I came off of the paroxetine at the end of January this year, by pressure from my family. They would truly badger me to tears about it just because my step-aunt had a bad experience with it. I fully intended anti-depressants to be temporary for me anyway, so after a year and a half of being on the drug I came off. I found the "parting" symptoms to be quite entertaining actually. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I had a tendency to lose my balance, drop, or bump into things, but I always managed to make it funny. I found a small dose of caffeine to be helpful in "regaining my body," but tried to stay away from it as much as possible so as not to exacerbate my anxiety.
Well, the past few weeks I've been having some trouble, and because my parents so hate parox, my doctor has put me on citalopram, 20mg. I asked the pharmacist if I should step up onto it, but he said full dose would be fine, that it was a fairly weak dosage anyhow.
DAY 1
Partially bad day, partially side effects. Took the whole 20 mg at 1 PM, felt strong restlessness and panic by 6 PM. Worrying about side-effects made it worse, and I experienced almost the full spectrum of side-effects. Tried to get in contact with my doctor, but was unable to. Came to a spot in the night where I actually felt very well (despite being exhausted), which frightened me for being so sudden. Despite being up and down all night, I slept fairly well.
DAY 2
Today is day 2, and because of the side-effects I've been feeling, I looked for advice. Came here, and am loving what I've found! I only took 10mg today at 1 PM, and around 5:30 I felt a small bout of anxiety and an excited heart rate. This however, passed within ten minutes, and I was able to resume my schoolwork (it's finals week. x_x) My doctor has not called me back about my dosage questions, so I've decided I'm going to take 10mg for 4-8 days before stepping up to my prescribed dosage. However, I'm worried that I'm taking a long-term medication for a short-term panic issue... While I've been good for the most part in this past five months, my intense anxiety has only really started this week, and has reached an unbearable level this past Sunday. Though, I have had "blips" as I've seen them called here since March, and I was only off the meds since the end of January... So maybe I really wasn't ready to be off. Feeling like I'll sleep well tonight, looking forward to going home Thursday, but dreading the moving. :S
DAY 3
Received a phone call from my mother last night before bed. Had a really good conversation. :) However, it got me excited and made it hard for me to sleep. lol
Taking small steps with food, and making progress. :) Still have no appetite (forgot to mention that yesterday), but it's getting better. Today was sunny when it was supposed to rain, so I went for a walk. :) My graphics critique went well, and I moved most of my stuff home from the dormitories, thus making my job for tomorrow easier.
I feel like I'm looking at things, but not really seeing them. Had a travelling headache for most of the day, at least half of it was probably tension, as I caught myself tensing a lot of my muscles. A little dizzy and unfocused sometimes as well, but mostly good. Now to regain my appetite and energy and I'll be on a good road.
My doctor called me back today. She said she tried my phone number yesterday and it said it was out of service. I'll have to check into that... She confirmed that I'd be fine stepping up to 20mg after a week of 10mg. She said I could try just using 10mg and see if it works for me too, since I felt sluggish on my old 20mg of parox near the end of my treatment. Feeling optimistic! Hoping 10mg will be enough for me, won't know for a while yet though, lol.
Been a while since I posted... been very busy these past few days.
DAY 4
Today is the day of my most dreaded final. Ate better today, still taking it easy. Studied for my test with my classmate, and I think I did well on it. :) Felt energetic after moving my stuff home with my mother, though tired and ready to sleep. Had to unpack a few boxes to be able to reach my bed, lol.
DAY 5
I've lost track of time... I need to label my days. Day 5 is Friday? I think so...
Drove back to campus for graduation rehearsal. Also re-printed my graphics project and handed it in. I hate driving a whole hour one-way for such small tasks, but the day went well. Went to eat at a small restaurant for dinner. Had an anxiety attack about my greasy burger, but did alright. Ate it and lived! lol...
DAY 6
Saturday...?
Did some more unpacking today. Went out to my mother's house in the country and helped out with errands out there. Helped my step-father clean his semi-truck (and made a few bucks doing so!) Still anxious about eating some foods, trying to overcome that.
DAY 7
Graduation day! Ceremony went well, and we went out for dinner at my favorite Japanese restaurant. :) It went very well, it was a very good day. :)
DAY 8 (Monday, May 17th)
Today was as if I were normal. Until dinner time. Had some pizza and ice cream with my older brother. Didn't sit well. Sitting down watching some television, I felt a heart skip or two, and it triggered an anxiety attack. I know I'll be well, but it feels like my insides are jumping up into my throat and as if my breathing were becoming more shallow. I can feel myself tensing. Mother lent me a book called 'The Power of Now,' which I'm sure is helpful, but I'm afraid it will remind me of what I'm going through, and in so doing trigger an anxiety attack. Still trying to calm down... Maybe I will need 20mg... Going to try giving it another week.
loulabella
18-05-10, 09:55
I'm on 10 too Hun. Should be 20 but horrid headaches last time so going slowly. My anxiety was through the roof yesterday!!! I've built up 2.5 for. Few days, 5 then 7.5 now 10. My anxiety etc is quite bad so I'm aiming for 20. Slowly is the answer tho ;) She says shaking as she writes this.
Yeah, I've heard that increased anxiety is a common side effect. Just trying to keep a tab on my mind and keep it in control here. I started reading the book my Mum gave me yesterday, and came upon a good trick. Be mindful of your thoughts. When you realize that your mind is spiraling and re-iterating stupid fears, call it out. "I'm thinking that again." and then let it go. I don't explain it half as well as the author, but it has been helpful so far. I think I will read more tonight. :)
How many days have you been on it, if you don't mind my asking?
DAY 9 (Tuesday, May 18th)
Today I would have left to tour Europe if I was feeling well. I'm sad to be staying home, but if I would have gone I would have lost all control of my emotions, I'm sure of it. The performance tour would have stressed me to the max... I'm sure I would have been hovering on silly thoughts the whole week and surely would have felt like I was dying. Besides, if that volcano in Iceland would have blown it's top again I would have been stuck there, and I would not be able to afford that, monetarily or emotionally...
So anyhow, my friends came over to chill today. We watched some movies, played some games, and had a good time. Felt mostly well, though tired. My one friend gets riled up very easily, and I was still exhausted from the waves of anxiety attacks I had yesterday (kept me up for a good amount of the night because I couldn't stop mulling). Had some more this afternoon, around 6:30pm... Felt like my heart was pounding hard, though my pulse was normal. Felt a tickle in my throat, and like a wave of heat passed over my back. I could feel it on the back of my upper arms, all over my back, and the worst on the back of my neck. It may have been a chill, but it burned like a thousand pins nonetheless. Is this normal? I felt it on day 1 too, but not so much since then... I'd wonder if something was wrong with me but that would be silly...
...right?
Hi Faethra
Sounds like you're doing a little better, that's great to hear. I started out on 20mg and I thought that was the normal starting dose, had I known 10mg was an option then I most definitely would have opted for that. My side effects were nothing short of nightmarish and I'm so glad that's well and truly in the past. All I can say is to stick with it, the side effects will pass (took 3 weeks for mine to die down but they did) and you will start to feel better. I'm 11 weeks in and back to normal. Couldn't be without my beloved Citalopram now. Still have a bit of trouble with sleep though, I seem to wake up after aout 5 hours and then just lie there - oh well if that's the price I have to pay then so be it.
Chin up, stay strong and never lose focus. You'd be surprised just how much of a battering your brain can take, I know I was.
Rich
loulabella
19-05-10, 10:01
Hey hunni.... I've been on it about 2 weeks now but only a little while on 10... My anxiety is really bad, worse than before starting it. Saw my doc this morning as I'm going through the 'I cant take this anymore' stage... I also know that 10mg is prob too low a dose to combat my anxiety - have taken 40mg before for depression and never experienced any of this. I am having to suplement with more diazepam. I've been on the stuff for month and I feel that now is the time to be getting off it, not on it. She seems to think once the SSRI settles then we worry about coming off the diazepam.
You seem to be doing really well hun, and as you will prob say to me - stick at it. It should sort things out for us in time. It's just hell we have to get worse before we get better! x
*hugs to both of you!* I do seem to be better off than a number of other people, which makes me happy and sad. It makes me feel bad to know that it can be much worse and that there are others who seem to have no end to the suffering... I wish you all the best! I'll keep you in my prayers, Lou~ <3
DAY 10 (Wednesday, May 19th)
Today was pretty good. My brother lost his cat, so I stayed at his house for the day to wait for Mr. Kitty (Sassafrass - and appropriately named!) while my brother went to his doctor's appointment and ran some errands. The cat hates me and is completely neurotic, so I couldn't go out and look for him or he'd run away again, so I played Oblivion on my brother's PS3 until he came home. I can tell I'm gaining control again, because I could go to the plain of Oblivion and close gates without having so much as a second thought. :)
One heart skip today. A few times were I might have had an attack but successfully talked myself away from them! :)
DAY 11 (Thursday, May 20th)
Finally got to start on my housework today! lol... However, I think I may have allergies that I don't know about. I got into some dust in the basement or something and breathing began to feel funny. Took an allergy pill and it settled (mostly), but I had two heart skips in the early evening. Made some yummy stir fry for dinner and just finished putting everything away. All of our refrigerated food is in the basement right now... our upstairs refrigerator died. Getting a new one tomorrow. Exhausted now... Still have to go for my walk. Supposed to drag my Mum with me, hopefully she doesn't fall asleep or I'll have a cranky Mum dragging her heels beside me.
If the tickle in my throat would go away that would be awesome! lol...
Hi Faethra
I used Atarax aka Vistaril which is a 1st generation antihistamine used as a pre and post op sedative and more importantly is also used in the treatment of Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I took it before going to bed as I was having sleep disturbances when first starting Citalopram. This antihistamine which is non-habit forming (it gave me great peace of mind to know that) not only helped me to regain my sleep but also got rid of any hayfever or allergies. You may wish to research this here http://www.medicinenet.com/hydroxyzine/article.htm . Just 25mg did the trick for me and as I say, you might well wish to take it at night because it is sedating (mmmmm, nice). :D
All the best
Rich
Hee hee yes, my doctor did tell me that antihistimines would help with anxiety issues if I didn't have a med like alprazolam around, though the antihistimine would take longer to take effect. I will look more into which specific ones do which, I had never thought of that!
DAY 12 (Friday, May 21)
Today was good! Rainy day, so I didn't go out for my walk (sadface). Got the new refrigerator today! Mum came home early from work to meet the movers of the thing, which went quick, so we went for lunch. :) Horrible... McDonald's... ew... but it was a small outing, hee hee.
Perhaps I didn't get enough sleep last night because I felt funny for most of the day, as if I was just a few moments from a heart skip. Tickle in my throat, shallow feeling in my chest, you know how that is, right? Did have a couple of skips today. I think three in total, but none of them was particularly strong. Got up and stretched and it seemed to get better. I think I have a tendency to squeeze my chest and prevent myself from breathing correctly along with tensing up all my other muscles. :S
Friend is making some drama... She wanted to hang out today, but Mom wanted to hang out today so I told her no. Oh facebook drama... Wish she would just chill sometimes. :x
PS- My appetite is back with a vengeance! I'm hungry so often... I really should not need to eat this much! It happened before with my parox, and I gained nearly 25 pounds at that time and still haven't lost it all. Any tips on killing the extra appetite?
Happy Saturday!
DAY 13 (Saturday, May 22)
Both the parents were home from work today, so we did some yard work and grilled out for dinner. :D I do hate pulling weeds (especially when your task is to pull everything green on an entire corner of the yard), but the yard looks much better!
Woke up today with an immensely sore throat. I think I might be getting my mom's cold. D: No trouble breating, but sore, dry throat. In the throat I breathe through, not the back of my throat (surprisingly). Beginning to lose my voice. D:
My pedometer says I got nearly 6000 steps today. Better than normal, but I still need to get more. Felt really good during my walk today, might be able to jog it tomorrow if I'm not sick. :o
Been taking my blood pressure lately. A little concerned about it. It's higher than normal, but not too high. Around borderline. While I'm trying to drop that extra 20 pounds I'm going to try and lower that too.
No skips today! So far at least. Only felt shaky a few times too. Think I found the culprit for yesterday - turns out Barq's rootbeer has caffeine in it. :( booooo~
DAY 14 (Sunday, May 23)
Felt absolutely horrid in the morning. I've definitely caught something... Two heart skips in the morning, though the intensity has lessened. Took my walk slow today, so I did an extra lap. I think I will feel fantastic once this horrid cold subsides. Lost my voice... will be interesting when I call the doctor tomorrow for my two-week consultation... :P
DAY 15 (Monday, May 24)
Somehow, I kept thinking today was Tuesday. Beginning to get bored at home. I need to get a job. Wonder if I'm ready. I should be fine though!
No skips today! Woo! Felt shaky in the chest for only a few short moments. Hoorah! :D My friend came to visit today. Watched a movie, played some games. Made a little cake and shared it. :) My cold is a lot better than yesterday, hopefully it will be gone soon. Air quality warnings in my area for the next few days too, thank goodness for allergy meds!
It was so interesting though... 80 degrees (Fahrenheit) at our house, and less than a mile away down at the lake shore it was incredibly foggy with visibility literally less than 100 feet. And I think the temperature was maybe 70, and it felt like 56 with the thick mist wafting against my skin. On the beach, when I turned and faced inland, I could literally see the edges of the cloud swirling against the warmer air. So bizarre~ It was like being in the mountaintops in Colorado again, watching the clouds form as air is forced upward against their faces.
PS- My appetite is back with a vengeance! I'm hungry so often... I really should not need to eat this much! It happened before with my parox, and I gained nearly 25 pounds at that time and still haven't lost it all. Any tips on killing the extra appetite?
Hi Faethra
Sorry, just checked in now again to see how things are going. When I started suffering from Panic Attacks, I initially lost 25 pounds during the first 3 weeks! Once I got onto the Citalopram, my appetite did return and boy did it return with a vengance. I was not unhappy for this to happen though and now 3 months on, I'm back up to 210 pounds. The real burst of appetite lasted for about 4 weeks and then seemed to subside, almost as if my body new when to go back to normal - wierd. There are drugs that can be taken to supress the appetite like Reductil but you would ordinarily require a prescription for these and I'm not sure if they can be taken along with Citalopram.
Hope you're doing okay
Rich
Hi Rich,
Thanks for checking in! But... the last thing I wanna do is take more meds. :( I hated taking meds even before cit/parox, and it still really doesn't please me to take them, though being without them is worse... Perhaps I'll just drink more water, eat more fiber or something. I had lost 10 pounds (about) when I had my worst of anxiety, but when I started my parox I gained that back, and then an additional 25... I would rather not do that again with the cit. :P
DAY 16 (May 25th - Tuesday)
My doctor called me back today for my 2-week consultation. It was kind of funny, because I was in the middle of my walk when she called. I wonder if she wondered why I was panting in her ear, lol.
I talked to her about my blood pressure seeming to have gone up. My measurements seem to average about 130-140/90, and that's the highest it's ever been. :( I'm a little worried, it really shouldn't be this high at 22. She said to keep watching it, and if it hasn't come down in a month to make an appointment at the clinic.
So now starts a month of hoping and wondering. I feel like whenever I sit down to do something that I'm hurting myself somehow and should be out walking or running or something... Maybe 10mg really isn't hitting my anxiety... I'll give it a few more weeks anyhow.
But about my BP... I'm not even sure I'm getting a correct reading. At the clinic it usually comes out around 130/85, if I remember correctly... But with my reader here at home I keep getting readings around 140/90, more or less. I noticed when I was taking my readings, my arm was resting on the arm of the chair - and so was the cuff - so I took some time, took the reading again being mindful of this, and got 122/83. I was so relieved. However, when I took my reading again this evening it was 145/90. What is going on? I'm so confused! :x
Wow... It's been a while since I've come around here. What's gotten into me? I'm not sure if I can recall how I was feeling last Wednesday to accurately update my journal from where I've left off...
Well, my week in a nutshell, I guess... :P
I realized I've been checking my BP incorrectly. When I was resting my arm on the arm of the chair, I was resting my whole arm, and thus the cuff as well. Taking readings with this in mind, my BP levels come out much more closely to normal. However, they are still a touch high so I think I will stick to my low-sodium diet to try and keep it under control.
I was up and down this week and thought that I might not be well on Friday the 28th... I had promised my friend we would do a photo shoot together since she's moving to Korea soon. However, the Friday went very well and we had a very good time, even though the shoot itself wasn't the most spectacular...
Saturday I was very lazy. Didn't do anything, hee hee... :blush:
Sunday... I don't remember what we did on Sunday. :|
Monday was Memorial Day here in the States. It's a national holiday so my parents were home from work. My mother went to the other house in the country to do some housework, so when I woke up I helped my step-dad continue our work on the garden. We're pretty much overhauling the landscaping job in one whole corner. However, not far into my work I managed to strain or pull a muscle in my back or something... I was in so much pain... I don't recall feeling anything quite like it. I took some ibuprofin and tried to keep working, but it was useless. I couldn't help them finish. :(
Late that night, our cat brought home a baby bird. This isn't unusual for this time of year, but he we still rather healthy and largely uninjured. My mom was so sad... but our cat isn't one to climb trees to raid nests, so the bird must have fallen and the cat just picked it up.
So...
Day 23 (Tuesday, June 1)
I took the baby bird to the wildlife rehabilitation center this morning. The nearest is an hour away from our house, so it was a long drive to save a small life and make my mother feel a lot better about the cat. However, I must have really over-done myself yesterday, because I was still quite exhausted. Not to mention the stress of trying to take care of this little fragile thing until I could bring him to the rehab center... I have no idea how to care for birds! :S
In the mid-morning I was struck with pain in my chest, so I excused myself from the center and drove home and went back to bed. I felt better after I slept for some time, but I still feel horrible, even now. I think I may be getting sick again. :( My cough has returned, but is deeper, and my throat is dry and sometimes aches. I have snot dripping down the back of my throat but that's (strangely enough) not uncommon for me. Helped my mother with some errands when she finished work, and I find it quite taxing. I feel sickly and exhausted. My appetite is gone, and I feel the excited feeling in my chest like when I started cit. I suppose you could call this a "blip"...
I've woken at 1 AM having an anxiety attack brought on by turning over on my pillow and being able to hear my heart beat in my ear. (I hate, HATE the sound of a heartbeat. It drives me up the wall!) I tried to change my mind about it, and to convince myself that it was reassuring, because I could hear it working very strong and healthy-like. Then I heard a skip, and that plan went to the dumpster. :P I didn't feel the skip, which is good, but I heard it. And maybe it was just in my head that I heard it, I don't know, but I do know I had the full wave of anxiety then, and had to get up and take action to derail those thoughts.
So I decided I would check in again, because I realized I hadn't in some time.
I've had so many aches and pains lately... and my illnesses just seem to go from one thing to the other. I am very tired, and wish to be normal again.
Day 24 (Wednesday, June 2)
Feeling much better than yesterday. I did wake up every hour until 5 AM, when I finally fell asleep until 9 AM...
My chest still feels a little sore, though I think it's more from the coughing I've been doing. Itchy throat, snot drainage... blah blah blah. Mum seems to think we should both see a doctor, though I haven't been sick that long.
I'm worried about my Mum... She's hitting a low spot herself. Getting very anxious, and because of the pain in her chest between her cold and her anxiety she's doing the same that I've been doing and she's been worrying that she has cancer or some heart problem. She's 52 and her mom died at 54 from lung cancer, but she was a chain smoker. Her father died at 60-some after a heart transplant, but he had has his first heart attack at 40 or 50 and by this time had an enlarged heart. Not to mention, he was also a veteran of war in Korea...
I hope I can help her to calm down, when she gets nervous I get nervous, and when I get nervous she gets nervous. This cycle might be more vicious than what goes on in my own head! lol...
Her doctor has given her alprazolam to help during her hard times, but she's never taken it. She's been too afraid... Please say some prayers for us...
Hi Faethra
That must be tough watching your mum get so anxious about her health. You can understand why she is getting worried but it doesn't mean it has to happen to her, and when you both spiral into feeling anxious it makes it doubly tough.
Maybe if your mum signed up for the site and spoke to a few of us to get a bit of support too, that might help, I'm sure there are others having similar worries, she might find that there is someone who's been through something like her and made it through.
I hope you can both find ways to get through what you're going through, better days for you both Faethra.
Thank you so much for your support, Raindog! I worry about her because the basis for her fears is more legitimate than my own. Both of us feel much better today, and hopefully it will continue. Perhaps it was because you thought of us. :)
Day 25 (June 3rd)
Today was good. :) Both my Mum and I felt much better. I did have one anxiety attack in the evening, but it passed quickly. My mom wants to do dinner and a movie tomorrow night which will be fun, I'm sure, but I'm getting nervous about it. When I have bouts of anxiety like this I tend to get a bit agoraphobic and prefer to stay home. :I But I will be with my Mom so I should be fine. I will tell myself that.
However, I need to find a job too... I find myself being frightened to drive to the next city to find work. That fear of being alone and facing such stressful activities... Though I spend my entire day at home alone. Why should it be so different? I wish I could get someone to come with me... It would make me feel better. If I get an interview I'm sure I would feel better about going alone, since I will have some direction; a mission.
I introduced my mom to NMP, though not the forum. I think she would be intimidated by the forum and revealing details about her life to strangers (it has always been a fear of hers... the internet and what might be out there), but I did show her the vast information section and allowed her to read. The page she left up when she went to bed was about OCD, which I remember my brother accusing her of having once... It must still be bothering her. Poor thing. But at least she's getting informed. :)
Day 26 (June 4th)
Woke up a little anxious today, but I had had a nightmare while I was sleeping. Something about aliens taking over the world, but it only happened to be a very well-organized group of thugs playing tricks to loot high-standing institutions and enslave the (not-as-well-knowing) public. Holy crap! Aliens, thieves, and conspiracies... I should send the script straight from my brain to a movie producer. Might hit it big!
Today was rain, and lots of it. I find myself sleeping deeper these days, once I fall asleep of course. It seems I have to face my fear of the dark again. :P My kitty wanted to go outside, but it was pouring rain so he never moved beyond the front porch. Being so limited, I sat outside with him to keep him company so he wouldn't get too bored. Kitty's toes must have gotten cold, because he sat up on my lap and cuddled in, watching everything around him. It was quite a heartwarming moment and it calmed all of the anxiety that I woke with. :)
Mum and I went out to dinner after she came home and went out to a movie. Fended off my anxiety attacks and had a very good night! Yay!
Tomorrow I'm tagging along with my parents as they go shrub-shopping, and I'm going to go put in job applications at the mall. Not sure if I'm ready, though I think I will be fine. Besides, if not now, then when?
Day 27 (June 5th)
Feeling better than the day before. Today was fairly lazy though. Parents put off going to town, so I invited a friend over to catch up. After she came the parents went off to town, thus killing my plans to tag along and get some business done. Oh well... It was good to catch up with my friend. :)
Day 28 (June 6th)
Felt mostly normal today. My lungs still feel a little bit tired from my cold, but I definitely feel I'm getting better. My chest jumped in excitement once today, which made me a little frightened that I might go back to having palpitations, but it hasn't happened, so I'll go on like normal.
Though, now I'm a bit concerned about something else... I've had headaches periodically throughout the week, and they've all been in the same spot... behind the temple on the left side - and just the left side. I wonder if this is part of the meds or if it's tension... I often sleep on that side, lean to that side, support my head with my left hand, and clench my jaw and tense my face without realizing. They don't last long, usually. Today I got one that was pretty heavy, but it passed within a minute. Ten minutes later I got another paired with a ringing ear. I wonder if I should see a doctor about it...
Day 29 (June 7th)
Woke up with my headache from last night. I think it may just be a bad case of a tension headache though. While it was much worse today than ever before, it was only because I was thinking about it... And for several other reasons that I'm not exactly comfortable talking about outright. :blush:
Went shopping for my sushi party tomorrow. However, the two people I thought wouldn't miss it for the world have dropped out... Sadly, that about cuts my party occupancy in half. I pretty much planned it around this girl's schedule too... it was going to be a going-away party for her, since she's moving to Korea soon... Buh... D: So I feel a little defeated, but I do know of three other people who are coming for sure, so I can't let it get me down I guess.
My cat brought me another present. It was rather frightening... I think I'll have nightmares about it if I go to bed so soon after seeing it... and touching it... :scared10:
Think I may be having issues with heartburn lately. Hard to tell though, I've never really had any issues with it before. All sorts of strange feelings that I don't know how to qualify. It can be rather frustrating...
I will be pretty busy tomorrow, so chances are I won't get to stop in. Take care, my friends!
Been a while since I checked in... Last time I posted was June 7th?... That would make today... 78?
Day 78 (July 26th, Monday)
I was doing really well. Pretty much normal. Got the job I applied for (hooray), but training for it was mega-stressful. So much to remember. And every day has the opportunity to be a nightmare. I do feel more comfortable there now, I've pretty much learned everything I had to learn for most of the tasks.
However, yesterday I had three strong palpitations in a chain that left me feeling very anxious and uncomfortable. And I had to work that night. Thankfully it was a slow night and I got through okay, but today I am still tense and still having the occasional palpitation. Not as bad as yesterday (thank goodness) but still disturbing. Have to get up early tomorrow to go to work, hope it's not too busy at the shop... Feeling weak, uneasy, my appetite comes and goes. I feel scared. I'm realizing that I'm alone every day and it's making me feel vulnerable again. While just a few days ago I was fine, now I'm a mess again. ;_; I hope this passes quickly...
Day 79 (July 27th, Tuesday)
I was supposed to go to work today, but I called in... Had a pretty bad anxiety/panic episode, and I almost got sick making my lunch for work... I kind of feel bad calling in, but this is nuts. I'm seeing my doctor today and talk to her about the palps and the recent anxiety attacks, and then spend time with my mother. I have off again tomorrow and a short work shift on Thursday, so hopefully I will start to get over this soon. I wonder if it's because I changed my dosage time from noon to 8 AM...?
Will check in again later today, for sure.
EDIT:
Visited the doctor today and talked about my scary palpitations from two days ago. She took my vitals and we discussed all my recent symptoms. Blood pressure came down from it's slight high that it's been at forever, pulse was perfect too. Except I got a bit excited and it spiked at 104, but went down again soon enough. Getting good oxygen to my extremities, heartbeat is steady. Lungs are clear, no sounds from my heart (clicks, murmurs, etc). Glands are good. Gag reflex is still strong. xD
She took another EKG because I hadn't had one in two years, just to check and make sure my heart was still good. Indeed, it came out normal. She took some blood too to check thyroid levels. Those will be back in a day or two. Chances are they will be normal as well. She said I could go get an echo if I wanted to, but she said chances are they'd find nothing. Now to convince myself that the possibility of having an enlarged heart at 22 is ridiculous.
Starting 20mg tomorrow. After our discussion we kind of decided that 10mg just wasn't cutting it.
On other notes...
I spent time with my mother today. Despite my feeling cruddy she put me to work. Good old mom! Felt cruddy for a good part of the afternoon... Not sure if it was fatigue from the panic or if it was anemia or low blood sugar from the blood tests. It was only a small amount... but could it really have that strong an effect? Dinner helped a bunch. :3 She really helped me snap out of my funk though, despite my groaning about the whole situation. Our cats out in the country home have gotten fleas somehow, so I treated them for that and worms as well. We started cleaning all the linens and surfaces, going to have to bomb the place eventually. We're going to tear the carpet out and get new carpet too - we've been meaning to for some time. She's staying at my house with me tonight, since she's all creepy-crawly about the fleas. I don't mind, it will be good to have someone around while I'm feeling vulnerable...
I'm starting to get used to having blood drawn. I would have never imagined this day would come.
Day 80 (July 28th, Wednesday)
Started 20mg today. Felt a little heady and lost my appetite again. Chest still felt tight, but I think it may be because of all the excitement from the past few days... Had one instant where I started having obsessive thoughts and fear about suddenly dropping dead at work tomorrow, but I realized what I was thinking and was able to turn it around again. The excitement didn't wear off for a bit but I ended up being alright.
Went out to the other house this afternoon with my mom to take care of the cats. The stray was at the house today. Oh my goodness he's so beautiful! His markings are so symmetrical and definite... He's quite a looker. :3 I need to take some pictures of him so I can show you (and start posting to find him a home).
I need to find something to keep myself occupied during the day... It seems when I don't have something to keep myself busy I start talking myself in circles. However, I seem to be scared about getting busy at the same time... lol crap!
Day 81 (Thursday, July 29th)
Today was a good day when I look back on it. Slept in this morning, ate light at mealtimes and snacked often since my appetite is lower than usual, but didn't feel too ill at any part of the day. Went to the country house to take care of the cats again... Almost freaked out about having to sit out in the hot sun, but I was fine and the cats were happy. :3 The little stray cat took a nap on my lap today. He's so cute!
Can't wait to be rid of that flea infestation...
While visiting the cats I did come through a time where I felt very lightheaded, and it felt like my limbs were falling asleep. I had a light palpitation as well, but it wasn't enough to badly disturb me. I think the meds were hitting me at that time, because in an hour the sensations were gone again.
Work went very well tonight. It was a short shift... hardly worth the drive into town, but work is work, and I'd rather return to a short, quiet closing shift than a long, busy morning/noon shift. My breathing felt unsteady during the first part of my shift... but only when I was talking or breathing out. Breathing in was not a problem it seemed. So I had to slow down when I was chatting with the customers to make sure I didn't squeeze myself too dry. I think a few thought I was strange because of my random pauses to breathe if I wasn't paying attention. :/ The second half went much better though, I'm not sure what changed. Ate a full dinner after I got off my shift at 10pm. However, now I can't sleep. :< So I guess I downed that milk for nothing... You have failed me milk! :lac:
Tomorrow I have off. Then begins my long working weekend.
Day 82 (Friday, July 30th)
Today was a good day. Met up with a friend and caught up on a lot of stuff, but there's always a lot to talk about when you haven't seen each other in four years... We could have gone on for hours, but we both had things to do. Helped the parents out with more chores and went to dinner. The day had a good feeling to it, though it had ups and downs. The parents seemed to have gotten grumpy at certain parts of the day, dunno what caused it but it all passed eventually. Didn't get home until late, so I'm writing it this morning. :P
Day 83 (Saturday, July 31st)
Almost August! Sales going on in the shop this weekend, hope it's not TOO too busy. Trying to find someone to take my hours for next weekend so I can go to my family reunion is a pain...
Anyhow, I woke up feeling pretty good today, though tired. Didn't get to bed until late. I feel like I can finally breathe fully again, it feels like my chest has begun to relax finally. Though, something feels off about the day in general... I feel like I'm dragging my feet and don't really want to go to work. It shouldn't bother me though, I only work from 3 to 8, which should pass fairly quick and it won't be too late by time I get home. Just gotta get up and do it I guess.
The family has been doing laundry non-stop since they came here on Tuesday, which means I haven't gotten any of my own laundry done, and I need to do it badly. I have no work clothes left. >_< I'll be scrounging for what I'm going to wear today...
I will check in again when I get off of work. :)
Dragonsblonde
31-07-10, 22:35
All sounds really positive for you.
Am so pleased that things are getting back on track it seems and life is working well for you
I said I would check in after my Saturday shift and I failed to do so... I'm such a lazy bum! lol... I got caught up chatting with friends and totally forgot to check back in. :o
So I did a little bit of shopping after my work shift. Spent about $100... but it was $100 of stuff I needed. Socks, belt, makeup, flat iron, lunch box, and a nighty (which was my self-splurge item). My new nighty is soooo comfyyyy I love it!
Day 84 (Sunday, August 1st)
The day at work was pretty long... the air system is on the fritz so the air conditioning doesn't always work. Sometimes it's hot and sometimes it's cold, but it's always unbearably humid... It makes it very hard to breathe...
Some very interesting customers came through my line today... Right away in the morning a lady came in with shoes she had been wearing for two months and wanted to exchange them for a new pair since she had worn them out... It's completely ridiculous and I wanted to scream and tell her no, but company policy is "yes we can," so by advice of the lady of the shoe department I just had to shrug and be polite. UGH. A man from the army came through with a tie, too. He was late to a wedding and didn't have a tie, but he didn't know how to tie a tie so I had to tie it for him. lol And driving home from work I swerved to miss a frog who was crossing the road. I had to laugh at myself for that one.
It was a long day, and tired me out... But I'd have to say despite my lack of appetite it was actually not a bad day.
Visited the cats out at the country house again. My daredevil kitty climbed the shed in the yard and from there jumped onto the roof of the garage. It surprised us so much!
Day 85 (Monday, August 2nd)
Day off of work!
I almost don't know what to do with myself today... Tried looking for something and couldn't find it... Must be at the other house... Did some laundry, tried to face a new fear I accrued with my latest bout of anxiety. Was successful for maybe and hour, then I couldn't take it anymore. It's okay though, it was a step. :3
I can feel the butterflies in my throat today. Had a few waves of anxiety, wonder if it's because I was lazy and sat around playing games all day? I should have gotten up and got something done (besides lazily doing laundry), I suppose. But I just wanted to get off my feet. I had no drive to do anything but the most simple of tasks today...
High point of the day: one of my co-workers called and said she'd take my Saturday for this weekend. And because someone already said they'd take my Friday, that means I'm good to go! I can go to my family reunion and swim with my cousins! Yay! I'm so happy! Work was making me feel so confined... I couldn't even plan a doctor's appointment around my horridly irregular schedule... Missed a shindig with my friends, couldn't go to the fair, and then couldn't go to see my family for a day? I was so broken... But now I can go and not have to drive the long distance twice in one day! Yay!
Day 86 (Tuesday, August 3rd)
It was a very good day today. I felt energetic, upbeat, and productive. I went in to work and before I knew it my shift was over. Mum and I went to the house in the country and got some work done there too. I felt weak a couple of times, but I did alright. :3
I signed up at work to put in some charity hours at a festival in a couple of weeks. Last time I was there it was unbearably hot... I hope I'll be okay...
Day 87
My headaches have returned. Maybe I'm not eating right... or maybe it's the cit? I don't know... It's a week now since I've started 20mg. Feeling a little jittery at the moment, sudden noises are scaring me again. My heart also feels a touch fluttery. Was taking my pulse and thought I felt an extra beat, but otherwise it's mostly steady, though the tempo tends to pick up and cool down randomly. But I have been lazy and done mostly nothing today... It seems to be a trend. :|
Day 88 (Thursday, August 5th)
Work went really well. Got off at 2, came home and took a nap 'cuz I felt tired. Felt a little sick and strange in the evening... didn't have an appetite today... Had an anxiety attack in the evening but was mostly well
Day 89 (Friday August 6th)
Woke up with a palpitation this morning, followed by an anxiety attack. Forced myself to eat. Nervous about the drive to my family reunion this weekend, but I'm sure I'll be well. Got my monthly visitor though... so I'm going to have to use tampons to go swimming. I HATE TAMPONS. That's added anxiety... :S I won't be posting again until Sunday... I'm not bringing my computer with me. I'll see you all then!
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