View Full Version : Y'all are like sunshine on a rainy day
I found this website last week, you’ve been my savior! I never knew there were so many people like me out there. I love that so many of you are from “across the pond”, as I have always had a thing for all things British, the humor, the movies, the tea! There have been a couple of times I’ve been reading these threads and I’m laughing so hard that I have to leave the site (reading from work!) Its helped to put some perspective on all the craziness that goes with health anxiety.
My story – I’m 47 years old, divorced Mom of 2 boys, and have suffered from health anxiety since 1996, a year after my oldest son was born. I found out my then husband was using drugs behind my back and I became convinced that I had AIDS. From swollen glands to night sweats to the loss of some major weight, I had myself convinced I had it. I suffered internally for many months with this on my shoulders, never telling anyone about this terrible illness I had contracted from my drug abusing husband. I didn’t really know much about the Internet as it was very new at that time, but I spent hours and hours pouring over medical books – I’d go to the mall and then just “accidentally” find myself in the bookstore researching everything I could about AIDS.
I finally sort of lost it and my mother got wind of what was going on, and made me take a test. Back then it was done through the mail and you had to wait several weeks for the results. I almost lost my job during that time waiting…finally the results came and I couldn’t even open the envelope, I made my Mom do it. She told me it was negative and I was SO relieved….for about an hour. After that, I just knew a mistake had been made and I really had it – how else could I explain my symptoms?
This went on for several months, finally culminating in me ending up in a mental hospital. I’m telling you, if anything will scare one out of health anxiety, its ending up in a mental hospital with seriously mentally ill patients. I was in there for a day and a half until I finally convinced these people to let me out. I came home and was o.k. for a month or so but then the feelings came back and I went on a whirlwind of more craziness. I refused to be re-tested for fear of what I might find out, but I couldn’t accept the first test results. I made my then husband be tested over and over again, and even though his tests were all negative, I still refused to believe I was negative too. Finally I saw a doctor who had some compassion for me and somehow talked me into having another test, some 2 years after I had taken the first one. By this time I was down about 60 pounds from where I started, and I wasn’t heavy to begin with, so I was just skin and bones. Anyway, the test came back negative and I finally came to accept that I did not have AIDS.
Fast forward 10 years later, I quit smoking after 20 years, and I start getting pain in my shoulder blades. By this time we have Dr. Google at our disposal, so I realize that I now have either heart disease or lung cancer. I go through the whole thing of heart tests – stress tests, etc., all negative but I have convinced myself that I have angina. Somehow I talked this doctor into doing a cathertization, and they tell me that my heart is like a teenagers heart. O.K., then it must be lung cancer. Go through a ton of tests for that, all normal there. The last of that testing was in November of 2007 and a few months later I learned to accept that I didn’t have either heart disease of lung cancer.
The next year I was getting headaches and I had a brain tumor. I got up the courage to go to the doctors, where they told me it was stress. I insisted on MRIs of the brain, etc. and when that came back negative I got myself convinced (thanks to Dr. Google) that I had Lyme Disease. Somehow I got off that, and was o.k. until 6 weeks ago, where I now have this almost constant lump in my throat and occasional acid reflux. Instead of thinking it is something minor like reflux, I have myself convinced again that I have lung cancer, and the tumor has grown so large its pressing on my esophagus. I know logically if this were the case I would probably have lost a lot of weight by now (mind you I gained those 60 pounds back from the AIDS scare so many years ago, and then some). Even still, the thoughts won’t leave my mind. I’m combing the Internet every day because I found ONE person say their mother had lung cancer and it felt like a pill was stuck in her throat, that was her first symptom. Never mind I Have no cough or blood or the other symptoms people talk about with lung cancer, because someone somewhere had this I must have it too. Currently I am in a state of refusal to see a doctor for fear of what I will find out. I go back and forth between not wanting to know I have 3 months to live, to bucking up and being brave for my boys. This is ALL internal, I never talk to anyone about this. It isn't helpful that both my mother and father died after long fights - my father had lung cancer and my mother had heart disease. I'm positive the events leading up to their deaths are part of the never ending underlying fear. I'm convinced the only way to overcome HA is to come to terms with death, and I don't see that happening for me anytime soon since the mere fact of leaving my boys without a mother is terrifying to me. Their father is in and out of their lives and would not be suitable to raise them, and I have really no other friends or family who could step in.
I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’ve learned a lot from this site though and feel grateful to read it. If you have stuck through this whole long post of craziness, thanks for listening. I do try to pick one thing to be grateful for every week, and this site has been it for this week.
Thanks so much for replying icysmooth. I agree, some days are better than others. Just reading this forum makes the lump in my throat go away. Granted, it will be back in an hour or so, but I figure if I keep reading enough it will go away forever.
The one good thing I found about brain tumors (in my extensive research, LOL!), is that they are pretty rare to have. I know that doesn't help people like us who always believe we will be in the minority, but perhaps you can just try to concentrate on the likelihood of having one being so slim.
Thanks again for listening. :hugs:
Thanks so much for replying icysmooth. I agree, some days are better than others. Just reading this forum makes the lump in my throat go away. Granted, it will be back in an hour or so, but I figure if I keep reading enough it will go away forever.
The one good thing I found about brain tumors (in my extensive research, LOL!), is that they are pretty rare to have. I know that doesn't help people like us who always believe we will be in the minority, but perhaps you can just try to concentrate on the likelihood of having one being so slim.
Thanks again for listening. :hugs:
And not all brain tumours are lethal.
hi there blondie. i really enjoyed reading your post because, if you substituted a couple of different diseases (cancers) for the ones you think you had/have, i could have written that. my particular one is melanoma - it's my biggest fear in life. i am so sorry that you are struggling with this, and i want you to know that i can definitely relate. especially when you said you were relieved with her test results for an hour - i do the VERY same thing after going to the doctor (and i'm sure many people on here do!). in my rational mind, i know that it is so ridiculous that i keep on with these patterns, but for some reason my anxious mind doesn't listen to my rational mind. isn't it amazing?! anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i'm sorry for what you're going through and that you definitely found the right place. it is great how comforting it is to know that you are not alone and that there are others who know what you're going through. it is very easy to feel isolated and alone in this. if you find anything that works for you, please share it - i am always willing to try new things to make this thing better. take care of yourself!
Hi robelros -- oh my gosh, I forgot that I also once had a melonoma scare! I had a mole that looked absolutely NOTHING like the melamonas I saw on the net, but I had convinced myself they did. I can almost laugh at myself when I think of this -- the mole was in a place that I couldn't see well (on my back) so I took pictures of it and studied it for HOURS. Actually WEEKS. Somewhere in my researching I found that melanomas were a certain size, so I had this ruler and i was CONSTANTLY measuring this picture I had taken. I know, this sounds soo crazy as I'm writing it out, but its all sadly true. Finally I went to the doctor and he said it was a perfectly normal mole. Weeks and weeks of agony and it was all resolved within a matter of minutes. Of course me being me I told him to get rid of it, even insurance didn't pay for it, I wanted it gone. He must have thought I was nuts but removed it anyway. Ever since I've been extra cautious about being in the sun.
I'm so embarrassed that I'm such a dork about this stuff. But I'm too afraid that "this time" will be the time that it really is something other than stress and anxiety.
Thanks for replying to me. Sending you blessings that it gets better for you.
Blondie, I did the ruler thing too! Which was not an easy task on my back! I spent years in the sun so have had quite a few things removed and it's always nothing, just keratosis. I have lost my fear of the actual procedure, just a tiny needle stick of lidocaine, then I feel nothing. I have actually taken a camcorder to photograph my back, driven myself bananas with fear and preoccupation.
The good part of this is that we do catch things earlier than probably most people without this darn condition of health anxiety. Keep in mind too that even if we do get basal, squamous or even melanoma, they can be treated if caught early. My aunt had melanoma and is almost 100 years old and fine. They removed it and it had not spread further. The best thing is to find a dermatologist that you like and get a full body checkup once a year. Most will do that as a matter of routine when you come for anything. Glad you found this board...everyone here is fantastic.
Hello
I have become completely obsessed with checking my moles. Everyday I am looking in the mirror. Yesterday I found 2 'new' ones on my side. When I say new they have prob been there for a while however I have just noticed them. When I asked my boyfriend if new moles can appear he said no so now I am convinced something is not right. They look more like spots but are not!!
This week I have convinced myself I have bowel, ovarian cancer and leukamiea!! I actually think my doc thinks I am slightly crazy and sometimes i feel that myself too with all the checking.
Does anyone else do this: if someone says they have such an illness I will question them about symptoms, what they did, how they treated it, what checks did the doc do? Then start to convince myself I have what they have!!
The weird thing is I rarely worry about minor illnesses. I don't even worry about chronic conditions. I was once tested for lupus, years and years ago before I had HA, and wasn't the slightest bit afraid. Its not like i was looking forward to having it or anything, but I didn't fear it. I usually only fear deadly diseases that usually kill people. And since my parents had 2 of those type of diseases, I feel its only likely I will end up with one of them. :(
I've read on these boards about CBT...maybe one of these days I will be brave enough to see someone who specializes in this. I know I can't living the rest of my days like this, something has to give....
Tink -- I do what you are talking about to some extent. My main thing though is if I hear someone on TV or in the news who has a disease I'm worried about, I automatically think its a sign I have it too. Who the heck knows what that is about, I don't know. Just yesterday I heard about Elizabeth Edwards (she is the wife of an American politician), she has breast cancer and is terminal. Of course I figured since I happen to read that article, its because I'm terminal too. And then I wonder if I'm going a bit mad, because that sounds just ridiculous but its what I do.
omg, i am a neurotic FREAK when it comes to my moles. i just went back to my derm today, no more than THREE weeks after my last mole check. seriously. i wanted to show her one i just found - she said just to keep an eye on it b/c it is a little irregular and a few different shades, but it doesn't "bother" her enough to remove it. i hate that!!!
blondie, i know exactly how you feel - like, this time is going to be different, they are going to find something. and it is ALWAYS the big C - the "little" stuff doesn't get to me in the slightest. even when the whole swine flu craze came about, didn't even make me blink an eye. and YES - reading about someone like elizabeth edwards - in my mind, i SWEAR that i have said "this must be a higher power's way of telling me i have something". or going back to melanoma - izzie on grey's anatomy. it's nuts!
i also know how you feel in that you can't go on like this forever. i reached my boiling point a few weeks ago and finally made an apppointment with a counselor. some people on these boards say they can really help. i hope you'll consider that at some point too, if that is an option for you.
misery loves company, right?!
oh icysmooth - you are so not alone. it really does feel a bit better to know that, doesn't it? it sure doesn't help our HA symptoms to constantly see stories in the news, or blogs on the web, or magazine articles, or anything else of someone with a terminal illness, especially a younger person. and like i said, the fact that it isn't even REAL (hello, grey's anatomy, a made-up tv show) really doesn't matter. i still feel the same way and in fact, i have made the decision to not watch that show anymore because it isn't good for me. anyway, i'm sorry you guys are suffering like i am but it does help to know there are others out there :)
Blondie, you mentioned someday being brave enough to see a cognitive therapist. I have to say, after seeing many, that they are all not that good and not knowledgeable about health anxiety. Granted, they can still use cognitive techniques with us but please look at the thread I posted earlier today on book recommendations.
You can think, "It's just a book" but believe me, these books are the best of the lot and I have many more than I listed. It's worth a few dollars and doesn't take bravery but just going online for a minute and ordering them. You will see yourself in these books...we all do. Please let me know if you do get them and your impressions.
It is very refreshing to read everyone's stories/responses as they all sound like me talking!
I heard a quote the other day, something along the lines of:
"I have been through many serious things in my life..........and SOME of them actually happened"
This SOOO sums me up!
I have a terrible fear of melanoma, too since a friend's sister had one removed a few months ago...as much as I am told moles I have are fine, I am reassured for about a day, and then think it has changed appearance so feel I need them looked at again! I know it is totally irrational but I just can't help it!
My main worry is being told I have a cancer (of any sort) and feeling that I would not be able to wake up in the morning and feel I can enjoy anything that day--like I will be constantly under a black cloud...that worries me more than the thought of actually dying..I worry about the "living" with cancer bit?
Does that make sense??:shrug:
It is very refreshing to read everyone's stories/responses as they all sound like me talking!
I heard a quote the other day, something along the lines of:
"I have been through many serious things in my life..........and SOME of them actually happened"
This SOOO sums me up!
I have a terrible fear of melanoma, too since a friend's sister had one removed a few months ago...as much as I am told moles I have are fine, I am reassured for about a day, and then think it has changed appearance so feel I need them looked at again! I know it is totally irrational but I just can't help it!
My main worry is being told I have a cancer (of any sort) and feeling that I would not be able to wake up in the morning and feel I can enjoy anything that day--like I will be constantly under a black cloud...that worries me more than the thought of actually dying..I worry about the "living" with cancer bit?
Does that make sense??:shrug:
Yup! Makes perfect sense to me. The thought of suffering, being a burden on my pre teen and teenage sons, it's my biggest fear. The actual dying doesn't bother me so much. I do believe there are people waiting for me on the other side. Its suffering that scares me. I pray when its my time, I go in a flash. My grandmother died like that, peaecfully, in her sleep, never suffered, just went to sleep one night and died. We all should be so lucky.
Yup! Makes perfect sense to me. The thought of suffering, being a burden on my pre teen and teenage sons, it's my biggest fear. The actual dying doesn't bother me so much. I do believe there are people waiting for me on the other side. Its suffering that scares me. I pray when its my time, I go in a flash. My grandmother died like that, peaecfully, in her sleep, never suffered, just went to sleep one night and died. We all should be so lucky.
I have quite a few friends who have had cancer of one sort or another they have had treatment and now are living normal lives, going to work, having fun living life to the full.
Please do not think that cancer is always a death sentence............look at Kylie for a start hardly a picture of misery.
I agree that there are so many people that make it through cancer and continue on living normal lives but I guess that my thinking always goes back to if I had cancer it would be the worst kind and there would be nothing they can do about it. It really comes down to changing the way we think about things, if we go into these things with a positive attitude then the outcome will be more positive. The problem is changing my thought pattern, I am still struggling to figure that one out. Although some days I do pretty well it's the bad days that make me feel like I am starting back at square one.
Trixie - Thank you for being the voice of reason, you always remind me to look at things positively no matter what they are :)
I am sure if I had HA I would think the same.
Many years ago I use to get infrequent bouts of agoraphobia. I was in a 'cafe' one day when a terrible feeling came over me I wanted to go home but I also wanted an ambulance to take me (I think it was because I needed that feeling of security).
I had to go to the Co-Op to do some shopping and I knew if I gave into my feelings that would be it, so I sat there and said to myself Pull yourself together you stupid woman you are not going home you are going to do your shopping in the Co-Op and that is that.
I left my coffee and walked down to the Co-Op I was determined not to let the feelings get the better of me. I wanted to be in control of me and not the other way round.
I have quite a few friends who have had cancer of one sort or another they have had treatment and now are living normal lives, going to work, having fun living life to the full.
Please do not think that cancer is always a death sentence............look at Kylie for a start hardly a picture of misery.
My problem is for most of my family, including my mother and father, it has been a death sentence. And since I was quite young it has shaped how I face illness/dying/death. Its very difficult to retrain your way of thinking when life experience has been so deeply rooted in your psyche.
i am totally with you guys here. obviously there are lots of people out there who have gotten through cancer and now live normal, healthy lives. i think maybe someone not suffering from HA realizes this and is able to rationalize it - but for us, it is nearly impossible to see it this way. it's definitely a mental block. i'm petrified of getting a cancer diagnosis and feeling like the world has come to an end. i sometimes imagine it happening and think that i'll never be able to have fun and enjoy life again. it is really a horrible perspective but try as i might, i can't get it out of my head. so abi, i totally hear you! ditto on the melanoma thing too - i'm satisfied for an hour or a day and then i'm back to worrying again. hence why i went running back to the doctor about something a mere 3 weeks after my skin check! i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm insane.
blondie, i'm so sorry about what happened to your parents and i cannot imagine what that does to someone already suffering from HA. i wish i had some words of wisdom to share about that but i don't - i just can definitely understand how that can affect you so horribly.
i have started reading "stop worry about your health" by george zgourides (sp?) - i'm towards the beginning and have been reading it slowly, but so far i think it is great. i will report back as i read more.
also, do you guys sometimes put two or three or four totally unrelated symptoms together and decide that you have metastatic cancer? because i do that all the time. right now i've been having some dull pain/pressure in my chest and have developed a little phlegmy cough (sorry), plus i'm worried about my moles and also have been having some headaches and pains in my left knee. so to me, i must have metastatic melanoma that has spread to my brain, bones and lungs. please tell me i am not the only one! it sounds so dismal but it is totally what goes on in my head!
also, do you guys sometimes put two or three or four totally unrelated symptoms together and decide that you have metastatic cancer? because i do that all the time. right now i've been having some dull pain/pressure in my chest and have developed a little phlegmy cough (sorry), plus i'm worried about my moles and also have been having some headaches and pains in my left knee. so to me, i must have metastatic melanoma that has spread to my brain, bones and lungs. please tell me i am not the only one! it sounds so dismal but it is totally what goes on in my head!
I've done this ALL week. For me, its spread from the lungs to the esophogus and bones. Now my logical side says this thing spread pretty fast considering I was absolutely fine 1 month ago, but when I go into thsi mode I'm not at all logical.
It doesn't help that I tell NO ONE about this. Other than my deceased mother and my estranged ex husband, I have never told another person. Its all this turmoil inside my brain. My kids must know something is up, they are 14 and 11 and pretty perceptive, but i just tell them I'm having a bad day or something. Which then sends me on a guilt trip because I'm not giving them my full attention. Its a terrible cycle.
I'm going to try all the books mentioned on this thread. Thanks for the recommendations. I also think I need to talk to someone live about this -- maybe my gyno, who I trust and adore. He's the only doctor I've ever trusted and he delivered both my babies. Maybe I'll be brave and make an appointment with him today and tell him what is going on. He's not a psychiatrist, but he is a compassionate man and maybe he will point me in the right direction.
it's kinda funny how the logical side and the anxious side never meet up in the middle. or, they are fighting but the logical side always loses. i hate it. i know that is probably a common thing for health anxiety sufferers, but i feel like i'm the only one who does this b/c nobody in my life does. i know what you mean about not talking to the people in your life about it. i think that it is probably very difficult for anyone to understand who isn't either a) a professional or b) knows what this feels like firsthand. for instance, i have a friend who has what i believe to be a very irrational phobia of throwing up - to me it makes no sense, but to her it is very real. i do tell my friends, parents and bf what i feel, but to a VERY small extent - more along the lines of "i'm worried this might be cancer" and that is about it. i certainly don't go into detail about how i am convinced i have it, it has spread and there is nothing anyone will be able to do to help me!
your kids very well might have some sort of clue, but i think you're doing everything you can to shield them from the realities of your HA, which i think is the best thing you can do. i love my mom immensely, but she didn't do that - she shared her fears with me and that is part of why i think i am the way i am - it might be partly learned behavior for me. so try to keep that in mind - you're doing the best you can!
i think it would be a great idea for you to talk to your doctor. you seem to have a great relationship with him and i think that will really help you be open and honest, which is what you need to do. as a medical professional, i'm sure he has the tools and resources to get you the help you need. it certainly can't hurt and i bet it would make you feel better to get it fully off your chest.
There must be a way out?!:wacko:
well if you find a way out of this madness, please do let me know! when i'm in a "good" phase, things are ok. but when i'm not, it interferes with every single aspect of my life. it is exhausting.....
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