Kinkajou
26-08-05, 15:11
Hi folks (apols for long post)
I just tried the online chat and I will definitely come back in the evenings.
I would like to see what people think about my current situation just so I can the viewpoints of people who might have gone through the same thing, rather than the "pull yourself together" brigade.
I am trying to decide if am well enough to return to work. I suppose I don't think I am, but I am getting worried about taking extended sick leave and getting fired etc.
On the day I went off sick, I was just sitting at my desk weeping while everyone around kind of ignored me uncomfortably. I do dread going back to that environment.
Due to my depression/anxiety (the most recent bout of which was due my having been bullied by my manager - I changed teams to avoid this person) I transferred to an admin role in the same company taking at least a £12000 salary cut. My previous role in the company was as a professional. The reason for this was because my illness was preventing me from carrying out my previous job (I could not interview clients or attend meetings due to panic attacks). Instead of going off on long term sick I felt it was wring to keep getting paid for being off work, felt guilty etc and pressure was being put on me from above. My GP wrote to work saying I could cope with lighter duties. They said they could offer a secondment on health grounds, with a return to my original post when I was better. This then over a very stressful few weeks turned into a 6 month temporary contract in an admin role with no guarantee of my old job back. I was afraid of being left with no job at the end of the 6 months so I agreed to move into the admin role on a permanent basis. This was ostensibly on health grounds but now I see that this just so they could give me the admin role without advertising it. I moved into the new job with some relief at first (not having to worry about underperforming etc). Then over time I began to suffer from depression and anxiety and all the old symptoms returned. I didn't think it would bother me but essentially I was now acting as secretary or general dogsbody to people who had previously been my colleagues. Basically, my self esteem took a nose dive. I felt that I'd made the wrong decision as I was now suffering financial hardship due to the salary cut and not only that but all the old symptoms had come back with a vengeance.
At that point I began to feel suicidal. I had already decided that I would not OD on tablets as that could go wrong. I live near a main train line with a level crossing and had decided that would be my method - no messing about. I did realise that I was very unwell at this point and told my boyfriend who took me to my GP.
Things have improved, the suicidal impulse has diminished as I feel safer at home, but now I am worrying that they may try to sack me, and I hate having to see the GP and keep saying I am not ready to work as I feel guilty about it.
My boyfriend says that when I can eat and sleep properly, leave the house without panic attacks and reach the point where I could go to work without feeling overly bad about it other than the usual “I hate my crap job” feelings, then that is the time to go back. I still only leave the house when it's dark or when I have to go to my therapist or GP. My current date to return is in 1 week. I feel sick just thinking about it.
What are other people's experiences in this regard? I can't just resign (though I would love to) as I would not be able to cover my mortgage payments etc.
Kinkajou
I just tried the online chat and I will definitely come back in the evenings.
I would like to see what people think about my current situation just so I can the viewpoints of people who might have gone through the same thing, rather than the "pull yourself together" brigade.
I am trying to decide if am well enough to return to work. I suppose I don't think I am, but I am getting worried about taking extended sick leave and getting fired etc.
On the day I went off sick, I was just sitting at my desk weeping while everyone around kind of ignored me uncomfortably. I do dread going back to that environment.
Due to my depression/anxiety (the most recent bout of which was due my having been bullied by my manager - I changed teams to avoid this person) I transferred to an admin role in the same company taking at least a £12000 salary cut. My previous role in the company was as a professional. The reason for this was because my illness was preventing me from carrying out my previous job (I could not interview clients or attend meetings due to panic attacks). Instead of going off on long term sick I felt it was wring to keep getting paid for being off work, felt guilty etc and pressure was being put on me from above. My GP wrote to work saying I could cope with lighter duties. They said they could offer a secondment on health grounds, with a return to my original post when I was better. This then over a very stressful few weeks turned into a 6 month temporary contract in an admin role with no guarantee of my old job back. I was afraid of being left with no job at the end of the 6 months so I agreed to move into the admin role on a permanent basis. This was ostensibly on health grounds but now I see that this just so they could give me the admin role without advertising it. I moved into the new job with some relief at first (not having to worry about underperforming etc). Then over time I began to suffer from depression and anxiety and all the old symptoms returned. I didn't think it would bother me but essentially I was now acting as secretary or general dogsbody to people who had previously been my colleagues. Basically, my self esteem took a nose dive. I felt that I'd made the wrong decision as I was now suffering financial hardship due to the salary cut and not only that but all the old symptoms had come back with a vengeance.
At that point I began to feel suicidal. I had already decided that I would not OD on tablets as that could go wrong. I live near a main train line with a level crossing and had decided that would be my method - no messing about. I did realise that I was very unwell at this point and told my boyfriend who took me to my GP.
Things have improved, the suicidal impulse has diminished as I feel safer at home, but now I am worrying that they may try to sack me, and I hate having to see the GP and keep saying I am not ready to work as I feel guilty about it.
My boyfriend says that when I can eat and sleep properly, leave the house without panic attacks and reach the point where I could go to work without feeling overly bad about it other than the usual “I hate my crap job” feelings, then that is the time to go back. I still only leave the house when it's dark or when I have to go to my therapist or GP. My current date to return is in 1 week. I feel sick just thinking about it.
What are other people's experiences in this regard? I can't just resign (though I would love to) as I would not be able to cover my mortgage payments etc.
Kinkajou