I FEEL TOTALLY USELESS....A Rant......

[dianes]

Hi everyone:D

Our daughter phoned at dinner time, she is 27weeks pregnant with our fifth grandchild. She does not do pregnancy very well as she suffers with gestational diabetes. She had this with her other two and has big babies, resulting in her having to have ceaserian births.

she has been getting bad tightenings and was told by her consultant to get to the hospital to be monitored. She was told not to drive herself there incase she went into labour. She also needed someone to pick her two boys up from school. She lives about 20miles from us. I have been suffering with anxiety/panic/agoraphobia for the past 3 years and even thought I am now getting out walking short distances and shopping with my hubby ( who is my full time carer). I have a real problem travelling by car and am still trying to build myself up to making the journey to Hemel to visit her.

I know I have to get over there in August/Sept for when she has the baby, as her partner can only get 2weeks of work and she will need me to move in with them to help her during the week, taking our grandsons to school etc. etc. Today my hubby has had to drive over to her to get the boys and I have had to stay here because I couldn't face the journey over to her. Even though I try not to call myself names and put myself down, I find today I can't help it. I feel so bloody useless, a failure as a mother and grandmother... I managed to get over there on Saturday for the first time since November, but I freaked in the car and could not get back in the car to come home. In the end, my hubby had to drive our eldest gandson back in our car while my daughter and her partner drove me home sitting in the back with my other grandson. I have been to frightened to make the journey since.

I hate this illness, I feel I am letting everybody down....

Sorry for the rant... I had to vent.....

Diane

[Anna C]

Hi Diane,

I think if you need to rant this is probably one of the best places to do it!

I know how you feel when you think 'I should to that and I have to that' it puts added pressure on you when you feel you 'have' to do things but then sometimes if you don't, you think you're letting everyone down.

I also hate this illness but I'm determined to get better. I'm not really an angry person but sometimes I can't help thinking how unfair it is and why does it have to be so hard.

I sometimes feel like a failure as I can be really normal and chatty and relaxed on the phone but then when I have to go somewhere and be with people I panic. But you're not useless or a failure otherwise why would your daughter want you there with her? Would stopping off somewhere on the way help?

Sorry I can't be more help. I hope you manage to get there to spend some time with your daughter and new grandchild.
Take Care Anna

[Marginalia]

Dianes - I never even learnt to drive ;) I understand it must be really frustrating for you that something so intangible is stopping you do something where all the physical means are there, but you can only do what you can do. Do you fear that your daughter doesn't understand? You wouldn't be beating yourself up if you were physically disabled, so give yourself a break for having what you know is a really difficult psychological 'disability': you know inside yourself how painful and difficult it is just to go a little distance, so don't feel guilty.

Think of those negative feelings as representing a strong desire in yourself to try and overcome your anxiety. And where there's a will there's a way: this anger and frustration at yourself could be a strength that will motivate you through the slow difficult process of change. It sounds like you're already starting the process yourself (with your husband as support), so don't be hard on yourself that it's early days yet. You'll get there at your own pace.

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi dianes, the prob is that this is a disablity, but it doesnt have to be, unlike a physical disability you are not lumbered with it for life - believe me because ive been there and worn the t-shirt for 8 years:wacko: :weep: and now ive taken the t-shirt back to the anxiety store, so it can be done:yesyes: you just have to find out how? you can get the nopanic 12 week recovery programme from the charity of the same name - you will have to become a member - they also do phone groups - some of the ppl on here have done them:yesyes: and they help and work. also if you can afford it could you poss consider having therapy privately? i got the 12 week recovery programme at the same time as i was going into an 'episode' last year so i had to also seek professional help - if you can afford it it will be the best money you have ever spent:yesyes:

[mtatum4496]

Diane, I have had a taste of what you are feeling right now.

My eleven year old son broke his arm a couple of months ago. He lives five hundred miles away with his mom.

I knew he would be okay, and I knew he was getting the right care. My ex-wife is the best mom ever. But the fact that I cannot make the journey to see him and at least offer some care myself tore me to pieces.

I sometimes feel like a burden to friends, who I know have altered plans or foregone going to places because they know I can't handle those places right now, and I do experience guilt for that.

But as others have said here and in other threads, right now you have an illness, a disability if you will. It is not your fault, and you must not allow your current circumstances to allow you to feel worthless. Keep in mind this is temporary. Focus on what you can do, and work to expand on those things. Be patient with yourself, accept the love and support you have and trust that with work and time you will be better.

[dianes]

Thanks, for your replies:) Thank god my daughter is alright now, hubby picked the boys up and drove them over to me so I could give them their tea. My daughter came back to our house where they all waited for her partner so he could drive them all back home leaving his car with us.

AnnaC. I haven't tried my hubby stopping the car for me to have a break as I stress really badly when he had to stop at lights, junctions etc. I have a terrible urge to get out of the car and I am scared stiff if I did I wouldn't get back in again and I would be stuck there. I battle all the time to stay sitting in the car by using distraction techniques and trying to breathe my way through the panic. I have always been a bad traveller in a car and it has got soooo much worse since a severe panic attack 3yrs ago when this all started.:weep:

Marginalia. I do try to tell myself that this is a psychological disability and I am still trying to accept it instead of rejecting and trying to fight it. I know it is the right way to go as I also suffer from chronic pain. I attended a 3wk live in course at St. Thomas' hospital with 15 other people. It was designed to teach us how to live with chronic pain & depression. One of the first things we had to learn was how to like ourselves and everything about us. This meant accepting our pain as being a part of us. I am trying to do this with my anxiety I know I WILL get there eventually:yesyes:

emmas. I will certainly look into the 12wk recovery programme, thanks for telling me about this. I asked my doctor about CBT therapy last week, but he told me they don't have CBT therapists in my area, they are looking into this but as he said it is easier and cheaper for doctors to prescibe meds. He told me to look at moodgym on the net as he has heard it is quiet good.

mtatum 4496. I was so sorry to hear about your son, I hope he is alright now. I know how you must have felt, not being able to get there to see him and offer your support as I felt terrible today with my daughter. My daughter used to be my full time carer when I had to pack up work due to ill health. She was great, she had to go with my husband to learn how to bandage my legs with the tension bandages, she used to drive me to all my hospital appointments (at the time I was seeing 5 different consultants) and I was at the hospital three times a week, she did this for five years without complaining until she fell pregnant on our first grandchild then my hubby had to take over. I am lucky enough to have a very loving and supportive family and know I have to be more patient, but as you know it is sooo hard at times.

:hugs: :hugs: for you all.

Diane

'Remember, your imagination is always much worse than the reality'

[mtatum4496]

Thank you, Diane - yes, my son is much better now. The cast came off at six weeks and the brace is due to come off next week. He has been a real trouper about all this. At least we had phone calls and emails to allow me to keep tabs on him.

Yes, I know what you mean about it being so hard. But just imagine how it must be for people who have no loved ones to help them on their journey through this illness. In my darkest moments, pulling out cards, letters, emails, and pictures of my close friends and my family reminds me that I have very good reasons for keeping on fighting the good fight.

I hope the dark moments you have had today are now passing, and that tomorrow brings you rays of sunshine in your heart.

[spiral]

you're not a failure. you obviously care a lot for your daughter and grandkids.
you have plenty of time before august to prepare for the challenges that are coming up. small steps often enough will get you there.
x

[Marginalia]

Oh - this seems to be a duplicate thread. *puzzled* The original one is here, a bit lower down in the forum:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=32086

[EmmaJane]

Hi,

You are certainly not a failure. I know at times you think you are letting people down, but I am sure, the ones that truely love you. Do understand what you are going through.

Take small steps and they will get into bigger strides.

Take care

Emma xx

[Marginalia]

*bumped* for spiral

[EmmaJane]

'Remember, your imagination is always much worse than the reality'

this is so true, I must keep telling myself that :-)

[nomorepanic]

I have merged the two posts together now for you.

[Liverbird67]

Diane

I went on the mood gym website in work last week, I work in mental health and one of the service users was raving on about it saying how things were making sense and penny dropping etc It is well worth a look and to be honest I was having a few light bulb moments myself. It is not easy but give it a look.

by the way you are not a failure as a mother or grandmother, it is just the condition making you beat yourself up don't you dare put yourself down !

Take care

Debbie

xxxxxxxx