View Full Version : Refusing to get out of bed today! My furlough on life....
Phoenixess
21-10-20, 11:53
It all began two weeks ago maybe even three, I ended up at the walk-in centre on a Saturday with sinus problems and I was advised to take a covid test. Following the test my hair fell out quite dramatically (unrelated just the timeline of events) , I had an infected finger and a dose of antibiotics and severe bunion pain. My CoVID results were negative (bonus), and every time I have been to a medical setting my BP is 100% even in a state of panic.
I then tore my muscle in my abdomen and had quite a traumatic experience of it at the GP and then a and e! However I spoke to my CPN on Monday and she was very supportive. My weight hasn’t been doing brilliantly and I ended up taking a lot of laxatives on Sunday equally because I was upset about feeling victimised and judged and guilty. There was no intention to harm myself I want to loose weight. Lastly since the laxative day on Sunday I felt not 100% I felt shaky Sunday night. Worsening panic on Monday to the point of headaches hot flushes and fear I was dying. Then yesterday the mind racing was on overdrive to the point I needed a diazepam to calm me down. Only problem is I have woken up today in stomach pains and D and V I had to call my mum for a bowl from down stairs as everything was coming out both ways I couldn’t stop it.
We believe it’s food poisoning.
However I’ve just had enough! I’ve had enough! I can’t fight today I can’t see any positive things any more I just 100% want to curl up and hide. It’s my birthday a month today and I don’t want it. I don’t want anything I’m miserable I hate myself I hate my panic disorder I hate panic attacks it’s so humiliating and difficult. I’ve taken all the medication done everything everyone said and I am left like WTF am I even hanging around for. I’m a waste of space and energy and it’s just bloody pointless.
Brilliant well done life!
I’m just miserable and I can’t shift my weight any bloody lower I am stuck at 13 stone 5lbs and I’ve give up the cake the chocolate and everything else!
Yesterday I felt like I was dying all day I couldn’t even concentrate on the tv in the end and I went to bed last night hoping to wake up today a fresh. Well A) I’ve super pissed off my grandma so she hates me so I have lost that source of outlet and B) I’ve got something else wrong with me!
I’m acutely aware of all my aching bones and I feel exhausted. Just don’t know why I exist or what existence is about any more?! No idea just lost for everything right now.
I quit!
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WiredIncorrectly
21-10-20, 13:19
It all began two weeks ago maybe even three, I ended up at the walk-in centre on a Saturday with sinus problems and I was advised to take a covid test. Following the test my hair fell out quite dramatically (unrelated just the timeline of events) , I had an infected finger and a dose of antibiotics and severe bunion pain. My CoVID results were negative (bonus), and every time I have been to a medical setting my BP is 100% even in a state of panic.
I then tore my muscle in my abdomen and had quite a traumatic experience of it at the GP and then a and e! However I spoke to my CPN on Monday and she was very supportive. My weight hasn’t been doing brilliantly and I ended up taking a lot of laxatives on Sunday equally because I was upset about feeling victimised and judged and guilty. There was no intention to harm myself I want to loose weight. Lastly since the laxative day on Sunday I felt not 100% I felt shaky Sunday night. Worsening panic on Monday to the point of headaches hot flushes and fear I was dying. Then yesterday the mind racing was on overdrive to the point I needed a diazepam to calm me down. Only problem is I have woken up today in stomach pains and D and V I had to call my mum for a bowl from down stairs as everything was coming out both ways I couldn’t stop it.
We believe it’s food poisoning.
However I’ve just had enough! I’ve had enough! I can’t fight today I can’t see any positive things any more I just 100% want to curl up and hide. It’s my birthday a month today and I don’t want it. I don’t want anything I’m miserable I hate myself I hate my panic disorder I hate panic attacks it’s so humiliating and difficult. I’ve taken all the medication done everything everyone said and I am left like WTF am I even hanging around for. I’m a waste of space and energy and it’s just bloody pointless.
Brilliant well done life!
I’m just miserable and I can’t shift my weight any bloody lower I am stuck at 13 stone 5lbs and I’ve give up the cake the chocolate and everything else!
Yesterday I felt like I was dying all day I couldn’t even concentrate on the tv in the end and I went to bed last night hoping to wake up today a fresh. Well A) I’ve super pissed off my grandma so she hates me so I have lost that source of outlet and B) I’ve got something else wrong with me!
I’m acutely aware of all my aching bones and I feel exhausted. Just don’t know why I exist or what existence is about any more?! No idea just lost for everything right now.
I quit!
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Sorry to hear you're battling the beast Phoenixess. It sounds like you've got a lot of stress going and things have spiraled out of control.
First, please stop the laxatives. They should only be used if you have constipation and were never intended as a weight loss tool. Laxatives deplete the body of water so you need to make sure you drink lots of fluids while you take them. I am assuming because of the anxiety over your weight you are also not eating properly? That could explain things. I know there's no intention of harming yourself, but unintentionally you can end up doing harm.
Some days it's OK to curl up in bed and hide away. I do this myself and as much as people tell me "it doesn't help" ... it most certainly does help. Put some Youtube on and just rest. Some days we all have had enough (at least those of us who have MH problems). But, look at the past. You've pulled through many times before and you'll pull through again.
There's lots of negativity circling your head, and you're being a bit hard on yourself. Cheer up :hugs:
COVID has added unwanted stress to all of us, and with the numbers on the rise a lot of people are feeling lost, isolated, scared etc. Because we have MH problems all of that unwanted stress is magnified.
I suggest you make yourself something nice to eat and you put your feet up.
It was my birthday on the 13th. I don't celebrate it. I got a couple of packet of sweets and £10 off my brother, that was enough for me. I see no purpose in celebrating the fact I've circled the sun once more and the older the get the less I want to remember how old my "age" is :roflmao: ... it's just another day. As I don't drink, I don't go out and party.
13 stone isn't that bad. It's not obese or anything like that and as a male I am not attracted to ladies who are stick thin. I know a lot of male friends with the same opinion too.
Phoenixess,
I could have written a similar post hundreds of times and probably have if I look back at my history.
You are going through a very bad patch and even reading your post I noticed several positives.
You are worrying about everything!
So maybe it's time to divert all your thinking in to something very neutral.
Get some paper, pout out all the stuff, then screw it up and throw it in the bin.
Then get another piece of paper and do some drawing sketching, scribbling.
All this will release the tension.
Find anything that will help you relax.
A nice film, music, book.
You can't deal with anything in life rationally if you are not calm.
I know you are screaming inside and feel like you been dealt the raw end of life, but the way you feel is not forever.
You are young and will have a future with better things.
I'm older than you and have been up and down in life to many times to mention. I've felt like I've been dealing with devil on many occasions and I know how it is to feel the way you feel. Take time out from your busy mind. You must be so exhausted. Give your mind a vacation and be a child for a little while. Hug your pillow, massage your aching feet, have a good cry, pray if you want to.
I can assure you, your life will not always be this way. xx
Phoenixess
21-10-20, 13:38
I feel exhausted and rubbish I’m trying to get of bed but everytime I do think why? What the point? I hear what your all saying and I appreciate your suggestions and ideas I just literally have no physical or mental energy to do anything.
I’ve had a ham sandwich my mum gave it to me I feel like I’ve got a bit lost. I think I need to get out and have a change of scenery it’s the only way to deal with negative energy is to be with nature I might get a taxi to the big park up over the hill and then I can walk around for a bit
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Phoenixess
21-10-20, 14:43
Stood up and feel sick as a dog this is not good whatever I’ve got it must be food poisoning or a stomach bug blergh
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Then you should rest up :shrug:
Phoenixess
21-10-20, 15:03
Ive phoned 111 feeling so rough mum advised i ask a GP opinion but my GP practice is shut. Got heart burn bad too. Going to try paracetamol and lemon juice. :(
Probably the laxatives taking effect? Lemon juice isn't a good idea-too acidic.
Make it up with your grandma? She's more than an "outlet" and is probably just frustrated that she can't seem to help you. It's exhausting trying to help someone in distress. You need your family members on your side. One good thing that you shouldn't take for granted is that you have a very supportive CPN and decent support from your CMHRS.
I hope you are feeling better and I'd try to keep away from walk in centres/ GP surgeries if you can?
That's very good advice Pulisa x
Phoenixess, I remember you posting on the original Covid thread back in February/March, when we were all running round like headless chickens. Some of us might still be doing that but we're all still here. That's got to be a positive right? :)
WiredIncorrectly
21-10-20, 20:02
Stood up and feel sick as a dog this is not good whatever I’ve got it must be food poisoning or a stomach bug blergh
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Phoenixess, you might laugh at this. I read your post where you said maybe you should get up for a walk. And I thought to myself "That's a good idea I'm going to get my shoes on and walk the dogs". I continued to read and then read you felt sick as a dog. Now I feel sick as a dog. I've just ate, but see how crazy anxiety is lol. My brain is already looking for ways to avoid the walk.
Phoenixess
22-10-20, 00:01
Hi all.
I’ve taken two lots of paracetamol which helped and I’m starting to feel a bit more in the living than the dead. I’ve eaten bread and butter and managed to keep it down. Still got horrific heart burn and stomach pains. My mum has actually had similar symptoms but milder to mine. So hoping it passes soon.
Covid is a bitch and the media don’t help people I am furious at the government for downplaying things and misleading everyone that it’s ok to still go out and the confusion of multi tier lockdowns what a whole load of ********. Really?
We all know how serious covid is and what it does. We have been behaving as though we are back in the original lockdown you cannot trust others to be precautious like yourself.
I’m pretty certain nothing I do has put me a great risk of covid. As I haven’t caught it so far.
I don’t want anything to do with doctors GPs, walk-in centres, ambulances or any other medical professional if I can avoid it. However as someone mentioned I have been blessed with the fantastic mental health team here where I live I think due to
My reluctance to take medication for such a long period of time and my experience of depersonalisation they have been very good to me. Equally as I don’t drink alcohol and I’m not impulsive or all the other good stuff that gets you a bad reputation with mental health. I am finally getting the right support to start a new path. However this part of my journey is lonely depressing miserable and tough. And I am no way saying I have the worst life in the world
I doNt there are many people in a much worse place than I am. Just it’s nice to validate my feelings trying to build some self worth and being able to share with people who understand where I am coming from is imperative for my recovery.
I have faced some fears I have conquered things there are still many a thing I cannot do at the moment but that’s the thing it’s at the moment.
I will get there I hope because I have to it’s my life. Just got to take a step and breath a minute an hour a day at a time!
Night night all I’m off to my nightmares to have a good old trip in the grey matter xx
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However I’ve just had enough! I’ve had enough! I can’t fight today I can’t see any positive things any more I just 100% want to curl up and hide. It’s my birthday a month today and I don’t want it. I don’t want anything I’m miserable I hate myself I hate my panic disorder I hate panic attacks it’s so humiliating and difficult. I’ve taken all the medication done everything everyone said and I am left like WTF am I even hanging around for. I’m a waste of space and energy and it’s just bloody pointless.
Brilliant well done life!
I generally advocate positivity but there is something to be said for occasionally giving positivity the V's and hiding under the duvet. It clears the air. When I'm on my own I go through as many swear words as have been invented, and with a few of my own. My neighbour must think I have Tourette's! I've had many days like these over the last 10 years, but the storm always passes. The clouds always roll away and many more metaphors which amount to the same thing - which is that these epically bad periods are transitory.
Once you've had a good moan, and it's out of your system, look for the lights in your life - no matter how small and seemingly insignificant. It all makes a difference.
Overweight, ill with anxiety? Learn to love yourself now while you feel shit. Don't wait for weight loss or better health or not having anxiety in order to be find happiness in life.
I've made that, 'I'll be happy when... mistake over and over again.
Feel shit and do it anyway cocker. X
That's so true, Nora..Move over Claire bloody Weekes. ..I sense a book title there!
Move over Claire bloody Weekes. ..I sense a book title there!
Feel Shit and Do it Anyway. - catchy innit? :yesyes:
Sorry Nora, already been done with a couple of letter alterations at the beginning starting with F*** It! :yesyes:
Sorry Nora, already been done with a couple of letter alterations at the beginning starting with F*** It! :yesyes:
Ah yes! I think I have that book somewhere. :yesyes:
Me too, with about fifty others :wacko:
I've never read a single book on anxiety...I'm sure Claire Weekes has made a fortune from other people's distress and desperation.
I've never read a single book on anxiety...I'm sure Claire Weekes has made a fortune from other people's distress and desperation.
Claire died 20 years ago but her words are as relevant as ever. I have loads of books on anxiety - most of which are currently out on loan lol
Me too, with about fifty others :wacko:
Only 50? :winks:
I appreciate that Claire Weekes is the Authority on anxiety etc but I've never actually managed to read any of her books..probably because I don't want to !! Nor do I read books on ASD, OCD or EDs. I just can't..I'm surrounded by angst and need some escapism when I read..Does that make me irresponsible? I think my brain just shuts down and doesn't want any more information to digest..
glassgirlw
27-10-20, 09:45
I appreciate that Claire Weekes is the Authority on anxiety etc but I've never actually managed to read any of her books..probably because I don't want to !! Nor do I read books on ASD, OCD or EDs. I just can't..I'm surrounded by angst and need some escapism when I read..Does that make me irresponsible? I think my brain just shuts down and doesn't want any more information to digest..
I’m actually the same way, Pulisa. I primarily read stories that take me out of everyday life, not keep me in the middle of it. I’m sure self help books are wonderful tools. I just haven’t had any luck keeping focused enough to read one.
I’m the same, I’ve got lots of books on anxiety but I rarely read them. I like to read books with happy endings.
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.I'm surrounded by angst and need some escapism when I read..Does that make me irresponsible?
Not at all!
I do occasionally slip in some light reading in-between anxiety self-help and Near Death Experience books. :D
Nor do I read books on ASD
I daren't tell you how many books I've got on autism then. :ohmy:
What do you read then? What's your 'thang'?
I just haven’t had any luck keeping focused enough to read one.
Have you tried listening to anxiety podcasts?
Not at all!
I do occasionally slip in some light reading in-between anxiety self-help and Near Death Experience books. :D
I daren't tell you how many books I've got on autism then. :ohmy:
What do you read then? What's your 'thang'?
Psychological drama..Anything by Tessa Hadley and Claire Messud. I like Sebastian Faulkes too.
Reading is very much for pleasure for me and it's probably the only thing I've got at the moment. I've never been into researching issues..Probably explains why I know nothing!:D I tend to try to interpret the emotions behind anxiety rather than the science.
Psychological drama..Anything by Tessa Hadley and Claire Messud. I like Sebastian Faulkes too.
Reading is very much for pleasure for me and it's probably the only thing I've got at the moment. I've never been into researching issues..Probably explains why I know nothing!:D I tend to try to interpret the emotions behind anxiety rather than the science.
I have Birdsong. It's a 'to be read' one though..
I have to research.
Problem is that sometimes I have too many 'tabs open' in my brain. :scared15:
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