CaliSurfGirl89
31-10-17, 19:39
Just a rant more than anything.
Im so fed up of having anxiety (health and social) im fed up of my melanoma fear creeping back in all the time resulting in me obsessing over my moles and blemishes wondering if they were always there, or have always been that big (none of my moles are bigger than 6mm) wondering if theyve always looked like that or felt like that. I am so fed up ill try to calm myself down and tell myself all of my moles are fine and even if they weren't because they dont look serious that it would be very early. Im so so fed up of this, its draining, im awake all night and sleeping all day, i woke up the other morning thinking i was dying and tried to put it down to a sleep panic attack. Im fed up of my body aching and hurting which i tell myself is from all the contorting and prodding/rubbing. I injured leg quiet badly over a month ago and never got it checked out and it still hurts (i fell over onto my fibula) all my wounds whether its a cat scratch or whatever heal so slowly and still show visible marks. I know deep down this is all to do with anxiety and my poor healing or getting ill etc is because im always stressed, not eating or nutrisiously, and no matter how much you try to be rational (with me its statistics) your anxiety always kicks back in going "well you arent a Dr/Derm, you dont know whats normal and what isnt, that persons mole looked or was small and normal and theirs is melanoma" I check my moles so so closely and any slight colour variation or if it looks like its faintly spread beyond the boarder, or it has a black dot in or its grown, and no matter how many times I tell myself its only slight not drastic, it could have stretched from gaining like 70-80lbs my anxiety is always there to kick me back down, my husband knows a girl who noticed a cancerous mole after giving birth, and she was fine and now all of a sudden shes going for surgery next month! And its literally knocked me back 10,000 steps. I wish I knew about the dangers of sunbeds back in 2007, I wish I hadn't had stupidly sunbathed with no protection, I am so drained and fed up of constantly battling myself and trying to be rational. I tried to do this group therapy thing but my social anxiety got the better of me in the end so I am gonna go back and ask for 1-2-1, but I just think its not gonna solve anything, it wont stop me from dying whether im 30 or 80 and I know its inevitable. Im just so angry with myself I just wanna hide away :( xxx
Im so fed up of having anxiety (health and social) im fed up of my melanoma fear creeping back in all the time resulting in me obsessing over my moles and blemishes wondering if they were always there, or have always been that big (none of my moles are bigger than 6mm) wondering if theyve always looked like that or felt like that. I am so fed up ill try to calm myself down and tell myself all of my moles are fine and even if they weren't because they dont look serious that it would be very early. Im so so fed up of this, its draining, im awake all night and sleeping all day, i woke up the other morning thinking i was dying and tried to put it down to a sleep panic attack. Im fed up of my body aching and hurting which i tell myself is from all the contorting and prodding/rubbing. I injured leg quiet badly over a month ago and never got it checked out and it still hurts (i fell over onto my fibula) all my wounds whether its a cat scratch or whatever heal so slowly and still show visible marks. I know deep down this is all to do with anxiety and my poor healing or getting ill etc is because im always stressed, not eating or nutrisiously, and no matter how much you try to be rational (with me its statistics) your anxiety always kicks back in going "well you arent a Dr/Derm, you dont know whats normal and what isnt, that persons mole looked or was small and normal and theirs is melanoma" I check my moles so so closely and any slight colour variation or if it looks like its faintly spread beyond the boarder, or it has a black dot in or its grown, and no matter how many times I tell myself its only slight not drastic, it could have stretched from gaining like 70-80lbs my anxiety is always there to kick me back down, my husband knows a girl who noticed a cancerous mole after giving birth, and she was fine and now all of a sudden shes going for surgery next month! And its literally knocked me back 10,000 steps. I wish I knew about the dangers of sunbeds back in 2007, I wish I hadn't had stupidly sunbathed with no protection, I am so drained and fed up of constantly battling myself and trying to be rational. I tried to do this group therapy thing but my social anxiety got the better of me in the end so I am gonna go back and ask for 1-2-1, but I just think its not gonna solve anything, it wont stop me from dying whether im 30 or 80 and I know its inevitable. Im just so angry with myself I just wanna hide away :( xxx