Am I DYING and Nobody knows but ME?

[looking4answers]

Hi,

I should know the answer to this but everyday I wonder more and more.I dont get it.Everybody says keep busy and I have more than ever..I keep my mind busy and I do more activities than I have ever.I should be in better shape.Im gaining a little more weight ,not much but a little and well was feeling better.The last few days I haven't gotten to much sleep but last night was a little better,but today going outside..was shocking.

Yesterday I wasnt feeling that great.A woman had promised us some trees to transplant in another town close by..My heart was skipping beats already but I went.I was feeling a little dizzy but blew it off thinking its just anxiety.

I got there and dug up about three little trees and couldnt breathe..Well to tell you the truth thats not so unusual for this altitude but just couldnt seem to catch my breath.I finally did and was kind of weak but haven't done this kind of physical labor in quite awhile.

We dropped by the local drive through and got something to eat and came home ate and I was sick to my stomach but forced myself to eat.My head feels like its bigger than it should be ,my ears are hurting and underneath them as well as my throat .I feel stopped up and just ansi..

The fact I got out of breath for the first time in awhile scared me and then today I have been woosy all day. .I have been out and fed the animals this morning feeling ok.. Came back and laid down and then started feeling like I had a headache in my upper temple.

I have been hearing my pulse really loud all day which isnt that unusal but just feeling sore with my legs cramping and feet and hands as well.I pushed myself this afternoon and was kind of dizzy but went outside and fed the animals and then planted three trees for me that was really hard .

I had to use a shovel to dig really hard dirt ,then plant the tree and water it and then stake it.I came back in and wasn't able to catch my breath and it took me awhile and then I tried to count my pulse and my arms were so weak I couldnt even hold it. After awhile my pulse went back down to about normal and my neck and head felt a little better but weird..

I just havent felt all that good in the last few days and my neck and throat and everything just feels miserable and I keep getting the feeling that something is going to happen to me..and im depressed.

Is it just tiredness from being more active and doing things im not used to ? I have no fever and my pulse stays about normal and well I seem to breathe ok after I settle down.. but im really scared there is something wrong with my brain ..maybe a tumor..that makes me feel weirded out and well just miserable.I get this fear of dying after I get out of breath and cant seem to shake it.I become depressed and can't get out of it because I feel im going to die anyway..

IS this all anxiety and just using muscles im not used to and perhaps allergies bogging me down or could it be there is something wrong with me and nobody but me knows?

[groovygranny]

Michael,

Only a doctor can possibly tell you if you're going to die or not, and ok they can get it wrong sometimes but very rarely - forgive me for being so direct but you know that's just me don't you? Tell your doc - maybe he'll arrange a scan and or something for you? You need to find some peace over this.

"I finally did and was kind of weak but haven't done this kind of physical labor in quite awhile."

You're still managing to do a heck of a lot (and write some more chapters!) despite your very uncomfortable physical symptoms - that altitude can't be helping.

Come on, you've got to ride this wave out until it crashes and dies on the beach ok?

Sounds as though you're pretty exhausted and tiredness can be physically devastating and depressing.

Hey, I'm glad you posted.........peace to you friend, soon.


:hugs:

[belle]

Hi..
I don't think you're dying RIGHT NOW - however, you will one day. But if there was anything wrong with you at all, you would not have done what you did.
You've mentioned countless times you've had tests over and over and over, surely THAT is some reasurrance?

[looking4answers]

I haven't been tested countless times.I have been looked at and listened to and had some general test made at a vascular specialist office and he agreed with my other doctor that it was stress and anxiety.Both declined test for me saying I had no symptoms of heart disease or any other major illness..OK?

I have been told by a nurse that is a friend that I couldn't do the things I do if I had a serious illness and she comes by once a week or so to visit.She is a head nurse at hospital here and says there isnt anything that shows that could be wrong with me to just keep on going..

Sometimes easier said that done.Today I woke and was very weak but I have kept on going ignoring the obvious and well although a little anxiety in the background I seem to be ok.Maybe it was from use of muscles that I havent used in a long time and also I have lost a lot of body mass going from 185 to 155 and even lower but gained a few pounds..

Who knows and GG is correct and the doctors cant even tell you anything because the call it practicing medicine.If they knew everything then they would call it preforming medicine..They told my wife 14 years ago that she was terminal to get things in order to die.She went back after surgery and said OOPS.. we don't know what happened you arent dying.

Also when my eldest daughter was 15 they told us she was dying.. Well three years of heavy treatment and they ask if they could give her an unapproved drug ,it was die or die from the drug or maybe it would help.
Twelve years later she is alive and kicking and has a daughter both are healthy..

So don't sit and tell me that a doctor can tell you anything..thats bull..You hope they might have a clue but most are guessing and blow you off to a nut.. or hypo.. so well I have even had them email me and say ..hey we laugh at people like you when you leave.. Or make fun of you ..I wrote them back and said you have the nerve to tell me that ,when you can't even make a correct diagnosis and you are even guessing as whats wrong..

So well you decide..I log on here for support and yes it could all be in my head,but if my imagination is so strong that it produces weird and unsual symptoms.. why can't it produce me winning the lottery and sitting on my own island in the south pacific and being rich and famous..Think about it.. ok?

I don't want to live in misery..and choose not too but it takes people telling me sometimes ,hey it could be this or that.. and going to the doctor.. Come on gg.. it scares the poop out of me just the thought of going ..I would rather go to a fortune teller in the philippines..I think they are more accurate . But anyway thanks for the responses and yeah well maybe thats all it is.. so what can you do?

[jill]

Hi Michael,

I see your struggles and a see your pain, my heart goes out to you hun.

You are in a hole and many, many caring people here are reaching into that hole to help pull you out, its dame hard for you Micheal, I know, you feel that know matter what you do, how you think, you can't stop the negative thoughts going on and on and on in your head.

The mind IS a powerfull thing Micheal. I have seen it in action. My daughter suffered Pa's, anxiety form a very early age ( 3 years) she went from being a confident 3 year old to a child who was ill all the time. It took them 3 years of test after test to find out that it was.... pa, anxiety. Goodness me Micheal, my daughter went to hell and back over them years. I was like a loon looking for answers myself. How can the mind do these things, mmm well it can.

When you have a child who is ill all the time, looks ill, at one point under her eyes went black, you can guess what I thought, the worse. When she was acute some of the symptoms where sooo horrible, I got her to hospital, only to come home, them saying nothing wrong.

I CAN see were your coming from Micheal, all the time you feel that they have missed something. I felt the same with my daughter. 2 years after at age 5 after a morning of horrlbe symptoms,, taking her to school, she said to me, "why am I alway sick mummy" tears ran down my face, what could I say, how do you explain to a 5 year old why she was suffering when at the back of my own mind, I was sooo unsure.

Michael, when are lives are overwhelmed by anxiety, it is soooo hard to find reasurance, because we are in that hole, we feel we can't get out. The first thing that happens to us anxiety suffers, we don't have to copeing skills to reasure outself.

So, how do we learn to reasure ourself, with alot of hard work time and support.

Have you ever heard that joke, I don't mind dieing, I just don't want to be there when it happens. How do you feel about this joke, do you find it funny, or does it make you feel angry. It is dame hard to find death a joke, becuase we all know that it is NOT funny, but that is how some people cope with it, its there copeing skills, stops them from being scared, we all know that we will die one day, but not now.

This forurm has alot of great advice, not just the information Nic has put on, but all threads and reply to threads. The hard thing is, putting it all togeather to suit you.

We all may have the same symptoms, but why we suffer is all different, what brought us to panic, anxiety, will not be the same, why it is staying we have to find that out for ourself and that is dame hard. We just have to keep working at it, keep looking, keep fighting.

Your strength and courage over whelms me, but so dose your negative thinking, this can be sooo hard to change Micheal, again, it takes alot of hard work and time. I myself am still working on my negative thinking, I find it soo hard at times, it makes me feel tierd, but I will not stop becuase I know I will benfit in the end.

I came to ths site suffering about mmm 2 years ago, suffering, pa, high anxeity, living in fear 24/7. I wish I could put it in a sentance how I stoped my pa's, high anxiety, but I can't. I just know it was this site, hand on heart, just this site and the support and understand of my mum and sister.

Micheal, if you feel they have missed something, is it possible for you to have more checks. I know when I was suffering my GP was great, she sent me for any test I wanted.

At one point I went private with my daughter, I would have paid any amount of money to find out what was wrong with her. Is this possible for you, do you have the funds to do this?

Can you go to a therapist, eg, CBT, is that possible for you. Micheal, the hardest thing to learn is to see your way out of all this, to learn to see a more possitive future, to see yourself better, anxiety overwhelmes you and we don't see life as such, we just see suffering. Learning CBT may help with this.

My daughter is nearly 14 now, apart from a blip she had last year, she doing really well, no pa's, no anxiety. I am sooo prond of her. I do think at times that maybe someone somewhere said, HERE, you have some pa's, high anxiety so you can see what your daughter has gone though.

There is a saying on here, you don't know what its like unless you have gone though it yourself, this is soooo true. I never new what my daughter went though untill 3 years ago, my goodness me. I know now that the mind IS a powerfull thing, but I also know that it will NOT let me win the lotto. Winning the lotto is pure chance, a one in a million, winning the fight of anxiety is alot better odds than that.

Micheal, I hope you don't take offence at my reply, we are all here to help you, we all want to help you get better, but the hardest thing is, to help you understand the power of your mind. There IS someone on this site who can say the right things to help you get out of this big hole your in, they WILL reach in and help you get out. Keep looking Micheal, keep reading.

You take care

wishing you well

LOVE JILLXX

[groovygranny]

OK

... so you've had not so good experiences with doctors and the one(s) who emailed you that crap should be struck off in my opinion - at least you have your friend who's willing to keep an eye on things and support you. I hope you can take some reassurance in that.

"So well you decide..I log on here for support and yes it could all be in my head,but if my imagination is so strong that it produces weird and unsual symptoms.. why can't it produce me winning the lottery and sitting on my own island in the south pacific and being rich and famous..Think about it.. ok?"

I don't think there is any 'answer' as such to all this Michael, I've accepted there are no answers for me and some of my 'stuff'. And if our imagination could produce such things then your south pacific island would become extremely overcrowded very soon. Some things we're not meant to know the answers to - we just have to let them 'be'. If we knew everything then what's the whole point of being here?

Just keep going on the good days (that's a good sign if you've put on a bit of weight) and keep afloat as best you can on the bad ones - keep posting here, you said it helps.

And keep riding that wave Michael - you're not alone on it and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you get off it........ ok? !!!

Peace to you, friend.

:flowers:

[looking4answers]

Hi Michael,

I see your struggles and a see your pain, my heart goes out to you hun.

You are in a hole and many, many caring people here are reaching into that hole to help pull you out, its dame hard for you Micheal, I know, you feel that know matter what you do, how you think, you can't stop the negative thoughts going on and on and on in your head.

The mind IS a powerfull thing Micheal. I have seen it in action. My daughter suffered Pa's, anxiety form a very early age ( 3 years) she went from being a confident 3 year old to a child who was ill all the time. It took them 3 years of test after test to find out that it was.... pa, anxiety. Goodness me Micheal, my daughter went to hell and back over them years. I was like a loon looking for answers myself. How can the mind do these things, mmm well it can.

When you have a child who is ill all the time, looks ill, at one point under her eyes went black, you can guess what I thought, the worse. When she was acute some of the symptoms where sooo horrible, I got her to hospital, only to come home, them saying nothing wrong.

I CAN see were your coming from Micheal, all the time you feel that they have missed something. I felt the same with my daughter. 2 years after at age 5 after a morning of horrlbe symptoms,, taking her to school, she said to me, "why am I alway sick mummy" tears ran down my face, what could I say, how do you explain to a 5 year old why she was suffering when at the back of my own mind, I was sooo unsure.

Michael, when are lives are overwhelmed by anxiety, it is soooo hard to find reasurance, because we are in that hole, we feel we can't get out. The first thing that happens to us anxiety suffers, we don't have to copeing skills to reasure outself.

So, how do we learn to reasure ourself, with alot of hard work time and support.

Have you ever heard that joke, I don't mind dieing, I just don't want to be there when it happens. How do you feel about this joke, do you find it funny, or does it make you feel angry. It is dame hard to find death a joke, becuase we all know that it is NOT funny, but that is how some people cope with it, its there copeing skills, stops them from being scared, we all know that we will die one day, but not now.

This forurm has alot of great advice, not just the information Nic has put on, but all threads and reply to threads. The hard thing is, putting it all togeather to suit you.

We all may have the same symptoms, but why we suffer is all different, what brought us to panic, anxiety, will not be the same, why it is staying we have to find that out for ourself and that is dame hard. We just have to keep working at it, keep looking, keep fighting.

Your strength and courage over whelms me, but so dose your negative thinking, this can be sooo hard to change Micheal, again, it takes alot of hard work and time. I myself am still working on my negative thinking, I find it soo hard at times, it makes me feel tierd, but I will not stop becuase I know I will benfit in the end.

I came to ths site suffering about mmm 2 years ago, suffering, pa, high anxeity, living in fear 24/7. I wish I could put it in a sentance how I stoped my pa's, high anxiety, but I can't. I just know it was this site, hand on heart, just this site and the support and understand of my mum and sister.

Micheal, if you feel they have missed something, is it possible for you to have more checks. I know when I was suffering my GP was great, she sent me for any test I wanted.

At one point I went private with my daughter, I would have paid any amount of money to find out what was wrong with her. Is this possible for you, do you have the funds to do this?

Can you go to a therapist, eg, CBT, is that possible for you. Micheal, the hardest thing to learn is to see your way out of all this, to learn to see a more possitive future, to see yourself better, anxiety overwhelmes you and we don't see life as such, we just see suffering. Learning CBT may help with this.

My daughter is nearly 14 now, apart from a blip she had last year, she doing really well, no pa's, no anxiety. I am sooo prond of her. I do think at times that maybe someone somewhere said, HERE, you have some pa's, high anxiety so you can see what your daughter has gone though.

There is a saying on here, you don't know what its like unless you have gone though it yourself, this is soooo true. I never new what my daughter went though untill 3 years ago, my goodness me. I know now that the mind IS a powerfull thing, but I also know that it will NOT let me win the lotto. Winning the lotto is pure chance, a one in a million, winning the fight of anxiety is alot better odds than that.

Micheal, I hope you don't take offence at my reply, we are all here to help you, we all want to help you get better, but the hardest thing is, to help you understand the power of your mind. There IS someone on this site who can say the right things to help you get out of this big hole your in, they WILL reach in and help you get out. Keep looking Micheal, keep reading.

You take care

wishing you well

LOVE JILLXX



Hi Jill ,

Thank you for your support..Its so odd to know..that there is nothing wrong with you but to know that your body tells you there is..If I went back to my gp she would tell me the same thing that my nurse friend tells me ..No reason for test..No reason for test..Get busy and stay busy...thats your issue.

Ok I have been busy and stayed busy and they are right to some extent.. I do feel better somedays but worse other days..Its not a case of anxiety hitting me..Its a case of I actually feel this way yet the beg to differ.

This is a small town ..they are the doctors and nurses here..It does make sense that there is nothing wrong with me.One day im on top of the world and actually shocked at what I can do ..Other days I feel as though the heart I feel pounding is going to beat its last.

Nothing makes sense...nothing at all.I try to look at logic and there is none..The mind is powerful and I try to use it to my advantage..Its not being used that way but whos advantage is it being used to..?

If there was a reason for any of this I could somewhat understand,but the more I do the better I feel,then the more I do the worse I feel..Somedays my heart can't be heard and im like superman ,the next I wake and I feel like a gong is going bong bong bong with every heartbeat and aching all over.I just don't understand..

If there was one strand of logic here I could grasp it,yet I ask my friend the nurse.I trust her..Im not sure but she is head nurse for 30 years and next to thing to a doctor and actually the things she does is more than what most doctors do..and she says she feels the very samethings and her husband too...

Perhaps I will be able to accept it and go on with my life ..there is nothing more I can do and if I was to go to another doctor..I would question that as well..Im stuck..somewhere between belief and logic and just plain frustration..I don't want to be a story ..Well he was complaining of this and that and now he is gone..lol...

I want to be the one that beat this and say .. Hey I can help you ,because I have dealt with this all my life.. Anyway for whats its worth thanks for you time and kind words..They mean a lot to me.God Bless you and Take care..Michael