CantonaKing
24-07-17, 20:40
This is a long post, so apologies. I'm recently married, to the sweetest, kindest, selfless and most beautiful girl. We are made for each other. Since I was around 13, I have masturbated over other men. But it's not as straight forward as that. There was a group of around six boys in my school who I masturbated over - and have ever since, as in what they looked like back then - plus two or three guys from TV. I never actually fantasies having any kind of anal sex with them, more I am fixated on their nipples and of them licking each other's nipples. Odd, I know. Growing up, I mainly watched lesbian porn and mainly ****ed over that and women, in general. I kissed girls, dated girls and had sex with girls. Fast forward to a few months' ago. I should explain firstly that I have always been a huge worrier and have had obsessional thoughts, as well as very low self-esteem, as in a lot of negative thoughts about myself. I hate my job too and my boss is tyrannical with no idea about mental health. Anyway, I was sitting on the couch with my wife and I had a terrible thought, "what if killed her now?". I felt the adrenaline surge through me and started panicking. It was horrible. I would never hurt her, nor have I ever hurt or laid a finger on anybody. I'm very gentle and - probably too - sensitive. I couldn't stop thinking about it and went to see a psychologist. She diagnosed me, after I told her about my past, as having generalised anxiety disorder with OCD. I was terrified that I would never get the thought of hurting my wife out of my wind. Thankfully it dissipated, only to be replaced by the thought of, "what if I'm gay?" I got myself into such a state and was continually researching the subject on my computer. Unfortunately, my wife found what I had been researching and went hysterical. I assured her that I loved her, which I do, and that I would not run off with a man - or woman. She came with me to the psychologist, who calmed her down and said that there was nothing that unusual in married men having these fantasies. She seemed to accept that. But in the past few weeks, I feel like I am having a mental breakdown - constantly questioning myself and my sexuality in my head, constant thoughts going round and round and round and, when I do masturbate, if the thoughts of those boys from school come into my head and I ejaculate, I feel worse. The doctor upped my SSRI and gave me a calming medicine to take, which has worked somewhat. However, even when I'm feeling calm, I can still feel "the thoughts" in my head, like its never, ever going to go and it's going to drive my insane. Even when I'm having fun or a good time, I soon realise the thoughts are still there, in my mind. I can't take much more of it. It's having an affect on my married life, on my job, on my relationship with my parents and friends. I don't want to have sex with a man and I lust after women - which I then worry is another problem, as I think what if I don't want to be married for the next 50 years with two kids, living the boring, suburban life? What if I want to go out and have sex with lots of girls? It's also had an affect on my sex life - my wife has never had a high sex drive and mine wasn't that high, probably because of years of being on antidepressants. But since this has happened, we haven't had sex and I barely get an erection when I'm with her, which then sets off more worrying thoughts that maybe I am gay, etc. I'm at my wits end and am worried I'm going to be locked up in a mental institution or that my wife will leave and, also, that I'll have these "stuck thoughts" in my head forever. Can anyone help? Thank you.