Where to start about me?!

[EJKM87]

As it says, where to start haha. I'm Kerry, various anxieties in differing severities. Many trips to the Gp who just wants to keep trying to drug me up (I have severe and unpredictable mood swings that cause me to become dangerously impulsive and meds exacerbate this) but I've given up and threw my box of diazepam out as I was doubling my dose just to get some instant relief. Been on a waiting list for high intensity CBT since last September, still waiting for the mental health team to ring me "tomorrow" - it's now 4 weeks since I rang to find out when my review appointment would be. I struggle to sleep properly, have pretty self destructive coping methods although I am getting better with that. I rarely drink to excess anymore, I try to eat properly even though anorexia behaviours tell me not to and i've learnt to recognise when I need to curl up for an hour or even the whole day. I've had full physical anxiety attacks, anxiety symptoms running full pelt through my body but no attacks, anxiety symptoms sitting and waiting to pounce on me, and social anxiety. Sometimes i'm crippled by my feelings and behaviours but don't know why, sometimes i'm ok. The mood swings don't help, they're destroying my relationship and my daughter is displaying symptoms of anxiety too thanks to me. I have these highs that are on par with hypomania then will inevitably crash and fall into a depressed state until I climb back up again. And sitting right there in the middle of it all is anxiety. Making me want to run but keeping me rooted to the ground, making me want to tear my body open as I'm so trapped within myself. My awareness is horrible as I know whats happening but can't stop it. I treat my partner like dirt but can't find the way to stop doing it/stop trying to control everything/stop being me :/ I worry I'm too broken to be fixed yet hate even writing this as I feel like a burden.

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[snowghost57]

Welcome to the forum. You are not a burden. Glad you got rid of the diazepam as it is very addictive. You say you rarely drink to excess anymore, have you sought treatment for your drinking? Drinking causes anxiety and depression. It's important to eat healthy. Healthy foods will not make you gain weight. I would like to suggest that you read threads on the General Anxiety board and look up articles written by Bill. He has posted a lot of information about anxiety. I think it will help you while you are waiting to hear from the doctors. Have you tried taking a walk outside when you feel anxious? The fresh air will help and walking increases the natural endorphins in your brain, boosting a good mood. I have made friends here and I'm sure you will too. Take care.

[EJKM87]

Thank you for your reply, I don't keep alcohol in the house anymore as if I become impulsive and self destructive that's one of the things I go to. I recognised the need to do this and don't drink alone. It's been tough taking away that crutch but I got there thankfully :) i'm pretty lucky that I moved to an area that's a lovely mix of town and countryside, I pretty much walk everywhere but even that becomes an obsession sometimes. And then other times I struggle to get out the door as there's this invisible one that I cant seem to make my head force its way through. The best bit of me is my job is to enhance wellbeing and balance out emotional states yet I can't fix myself! Oh the irony haha :D

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[Bigboyuk]

Hi EJKM87 it's a nightmare totally you know one shouldn't have to double up the dose on their meds and really consult this with your Gp and get them to chase up this intensive course of CBT if you get no joy find nother Gp who WILL listen to you as you are in a huge mess right now. And also contact your local Mind office as they do CBT too but not sure about the intensive course but worth enquiring about Good on you for not keeping alcohol in the house as it's self destructive for sure :eek: I really hope you can get the help you so need quickly now, and do let us know how you get on :) Cheers