lior
12-05-16, 15:58
I've been on 20mg for 3 or 4 weeks now.
I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is because of the citalopram dose change or not.
Recently I've been feeling different things from normal:
- I expressed anger at someone I was angry at in person for the first time in about 2 years this week
- I feel apathetic about the relationships I'm in
- I feel sick at the smell of cigarette smoke. I feel like I'm surrounded by it - it's inescapable, everywhere I go. People are breathing out their smoke and I am forced to breathe it in.
- I want to quit the work I'm in - get someone else to do it - and make the CBT worksheets that I know I could make. I want to work in mental healthcare services, not the work I've accidentally fallen in to, not matter how useful it is to them. It's probably groundbreaking stuff that we're doing but it's not the area I want to be.
- Why aren't I in a love relationship? Why have I been putting up with people that don't want to love me? Am I ever going to be in the love relationships I want to be in?
- Impulsively I still consider ending my life occasionally. Not very seriously, but out of frustration and apathy.
If I just imagine that everything that's happened to me is acceptable, perhaps I'd be happier. But I cannot and will not accept poor treatment from people any more. I don't find it acceptable that men took advantage of me sexually when I was obviously emotionally vulnerable/much much younger/very drunk. And so I feel confused because I can't imagine why people would do that.
I've had enough of the situations I'm in in my relationships. Greg doesn't want it to go further - he wants it to be 'casual' despite talking to me about his family problems and fears and seeking deep emotional support every two weeks. Naomi and Rich say I'm important to them, and then their actions don't match. Why the mixed messages? Why not just make it simple? Love me and be with me, or tell me where I stand then don't reel me in close when you feel like it.
I'm sad my friend might be depressed. I don't want her to be. And I don't know how to help her right now.
My sex drive has gone up but my relationships are not in a good place.
My life is bloody amazing but I'm still upset by these things and I'm anxious about the work I'm doing/not doing. I get ill easily so the work I planned slows down. Then on my time off, once I've finished the work, I get ill again.
Right now I feel unmotivated by designing the website I'm meant to design because I don't know how to do bits of it and the person that's meant to help has not made it a priority. And there are so many little bits and pieces that I need to do that I feel like it's all going to take so long. I can't do everything in the time I have, so I've had to cancel my weekend plans which makes me feel like I'm missing out on an opportunity.
I don't know - I'm just not quite myself - I'm not organised and motivated. I feel like there are loads of things blocking my way that are out of my control. I need to make things simpler for myself and get into a more positive head space. I need to stop feeling guilty for things that are out of my control.
:scared15:
:wacko:
Things that are good:
- I have a job
- I have a home
- I have an income
- I have good friends
- I'm not very ill right now
- I eat well
- I'm good enough at my job to make a meaningful difference
- Potential to do more good things in the future
Still not in contact with my family and I have no desire to be. I don't know if that's something I should change or not. I feel better off for not being close to them. I don't feel that I need the kind of 'parenting' my parents could offer, and my brother has been more poisonous than supportive. I don't think he's a very nice person and I can't believe he's really my brother.
I want to stop everything I'm doing, and just paint and draw and write. I want to be safe in my aloneness.
I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is because of the citalopram dose change or not.
Recently I've been feeling different things from normal:
- I expressed anger at someone I was angry at in person for the first time in about 2 years this week
- I feel apathetic about the relationships I'm in
- I feel sick at the smell of cigarette smoke. I feel like I'm surrounded by it - it's inescapable, everywhere I go. People are breathing out their smoke and I am forced to breathe it in.
- I want to quit the work I'm in - get someone else to do it - and make the CBT worksheets that I know I could make. I want to work in mental healthcare services, not the work I've accidentally fallen in to, not matter how useful it is to them. It's probably groundbreaking stuff that we're doing but it's not the area I want to be.
- Why aren't I in a love relationship? Why have I been putting up with people that don't want to love me? Am I ever going to be in the love relationships I want to be in?
- Impulsively I still consider ending my life occasionally. Not very seriously, but out of frustration and apathy.
If I just imagine that everything that's happened to me is acceptable, perhaps I'd be happier. But I cannot and will not accept poor treatment from people any more. I don't find it acceptable that men took advantage of me sexually when I was obviously emotionally vulnerable/much much younger/very drunk. And so I feel confused because I can't imagine why people would do that.
I've had enough of the situations I'm in in my relationships. Greg doesn't want it to go further - he wants it to be 'casual' despite talking to me about his family problems and fears and seeking deep emotional support every two weeks. Naomi and Rich say I'm important to them, and then their actions don't match. Why the mixed messages? Why not just make it simple? Love me and be with me, or tell me where I stand then don't reel me in close when you feel like it.
I'm sad my friend might be depressed. I don't want her to be. And I don't know how to help her right now.
My sex drive has gone up but my relationships are not in a good place.
My life is bloody amazing but I'm still upset by these things and I'm anxious about the work I'm doing/not doing. I get ill easily so the work I planned slows down. Then on my time off, once I've finished the work, I get ill again.
Right now I feel unmotivated by designing the website I'm meant to design because I don't know how to do bits of it and the person that's meant to help has not made it a priority. And there are so many little bits and pieces that I need to do that I feel like it's all going to take so long. I can't do everything in the time I have, so I've had to cancel my weekend plans which makes me feel like I'm missing out on an opportunity.
I don't know - I'm just not quite myself - I'm not organised and motivated. I feel like there are loads of things blocking my way that are out of my control. I need to make things simpler for myself and get into a more positive head space. I need to stop feeling guilty for things that are out of my control.
:scared15:
:wacko:
Things that are good:
- I have a job
- I have a home
- I have an income
- I have good friends
- I'm not very ill right now
- I eat well
- I'm good enough at my job to make a meaningful difference
- Potential to do more good things in the future
Still not in contact with my family and I have no desire to be. I don't know if that's something I should change or not. I feel better off for not being close to them. I don't feel that I need the kind of 'parenting' my parents could offer, and my brother has been more poisonous than supportive. I don't think he's a very nice person and I can't believe he's really my brother.
I want to stop everything I'm doing, and just paint and draw and write. I want to be safe in my aloneness.