JohnMack
27-11-15, 07:28
Hi all,
So I finally get a lot of things which I never realised before.
I'm in my mid 30's and have recently come out of a very challenging relationship, I have also just gone through a process at work which determined whether my job would still exist or not.
The dust is now settling and I'm experiencing symptoms I never knew existed and thought I'd share them and engage with others with similar experiences.
So i've always been an anxious person - always thinking the worst, fearing and having it gnaw away at me.
Fears of history repeating - bad things seem like they're going to happen again and again.
Increasingly uncomfortable in large crowds, something which never bothered me before.
Isolating myself physically, socially and emotionally. "If don't let it in and really feel it then i can't be hurt by it when it goes wrong".
But those things are, for me, just run of the mill. Normal, the way its always been. Never gave them a second thought until recently.
For me, It all started to happen a few months ago when, out of the blue, I started really struggling to breathe. No matter what I did I couldn't catch a satisfying enough breath.
Was at work but made my excuses and went to the GP. Could only see a nurse who thought it may be anxiety related. As I was already taking Mirtazapine for depression the nurse felt it was sufficient. I asked for an inhaler as it used to help with similar issues due to asthma when i was a kid.
Naturally, that didn't help when the situation repeated itself.
I could say things calmed down for a bit as the relationship unravelled and the work thing took its course.
I was more depressed than i'd ever been (seem to get episodic depression, I can get out of it given a little time and space).
Lately, as i've came out of the depression, the anxiety seems to have gone into overdrive.
Regularly find my heart almost beating out of my chest when i'm doing nothing more stimulating than watching tv.
I was a bit lazy this weekend and spent the entire time watching tv and then i started to notice pains all over my body but very significantly deep in my calf muscles.
I was CONVINCED it was DVT and that my inactivity may kill me. Living on my own, this prospect was incredibly frightening and I just couldn't shake it off.
Massaged the muscles, did all manner of stretching and a bit of exercise but the pain would not go.
Called NHS direct who said i should see a GP within a few days. All the while, I could barely breath again and could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
Rationalised the next day and put it down to anxiety and left the matter there. But the pains were now all over arms, legs, chest and back. NOW i was convinced I had some horrible cardio-vascular issue and was going to have a heart attack at any moment.
Same thoughts as before, taking me so far beyond my stress scale i never knew it existed. I should add, my partner suffered from depression and tried to kill herself on multiple occasions and I managed to prevent that. To put that into perspective - awful and terrifying but this was beyond even that.
Eventually went to GP yesterday as chest pains continued. GP did some checks and put it down to anxiety, referred me to a talking therapies group.
Got home, thought "great, its all in my mind. Just relax and remember that".
Just due to go to bed and suddenly feel this pressure growing inside my chest, a few inches below my nipple. It kept growing and could feel something under the surface of my skin growing. Thought it was my liver massively expanding.
Try to rationalise but brain tells me that "you can physically see and feel something going on, thats real, not in your head". Again call NHS direct who suggest i go to get checked out.
Said this wasn't possible as it was 0130 and A&E is 20 miles away - no car, no public transport. They said they'll get a GP to call. As soon as I put the phone down, head is going crazy with worry and decide to spend the money to take a taxi to the hospital.
Can feel this thing all the way there, have to undo belt and button in the taxi because I feel like i'm about to burst. Soon as i get to A&E it starts to subside.
Spend the next four hours being checked out. Bloods, urine, physical exam. Can't find anything.
Come home and even now, got a nagging pain in my side and in spite of having those checks i'm worried they missed something.
THIS IS INSANE! I know it but I can't always rationalise it away. I genuinely believe that this evening I had something happen but i don't know what and nor do the doctors. I believe they checked properly and there is nothing there but i still feel "what if's" creeping in.
I'm not an outwardly nervous person. Am good in a work environment and can be reasonable company with friends or wider groups. I'm moderately successful in what i apply myself to and don't run away from challenges.
But right now I feel like i'm losing my mind. GP thinks its all coming out now i've got some space after everything that has happened. I think he's right.
Sorry for the long post but I really needed to get this off my chest. Going to read a lot on this forum but I suspect it'll make me stress when I read some posts.
So I finally get a lot of things which I never realised before.
I'm in my mid 30's and have recently come out of a very challenging relationship, I have also just gone through a process at work which determined whether my job would still exist or not.
The dust is now settling and I'm experiencing symptoms I never knew existed and thought I'd share them and engage with others with similar experiences.
So i've always been an anxious person - always thinking the worst, fearing and having it gnaw away at me.
Fears of history repeating - bad things seem like they're going to happen again and again.
Increasingly uncomfortable in large crowds, something which never bothered me before.
Isolating myself physically, socially and emotionally. "If don't let it in and really feel it then i can't be hurt by it when it goes wrong".
But those things are, for me, just run of the mill. Normal, the way its always been. Never gave them a second thought until recently.
For me, It all started to happen a few months ago when, out of the blue, I started really struggling to breathe. No matter what I did I couldn't catch a satisfying enough breath.
Was at work but made my excuses and went to the GP. Could only see a nurse who thought it may be anxiety related. As I was already taking Mirtazapine for depression the nurse felt it was sufficient. I asked for an inhaler as it used to help with similar issues due to asthma when i was a kid.
Naturally, that didn't help when the situation repeated itself.
I could say things calmed down for a bit as the relationship unravelled and the work thing took its course.
I was more depressed than i'd ever been (seem to get episodic depression, I can get out of it given a little time and space).
Lately, as i've came out of the depression, the anxiety seems to have gone into overdrive.
Regularly find my heart almost beating out of my chest when i'm doing nothing more stimulating than watching tv.
I was a bit lazy this weekend and spent the entire time watching tv and then i started to notice pains all over my body but very significantly deep in my calf muscles.
I was CONVINCED it was DVT and that my inactivity may kill me. Living on my own, this prospect was incredibly frightening and I just couldn't shake it off.
Massaged the muscles, did all manner of stretching and a bit of exercise but the pain would not go.
Called NHS direct who said i should see a GP within a few days. All the while, I could barely breath again and could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
Rationalised the next day and put it down to anxiety and left the matter there. But the pains were now all over arms, legs, chest and back. NOW i was convinced I had some horrible cardio-vascular issue and was going to have a heart attack at any moment.
Same thoughts as before, taking me so far beyond my stress scale i never knew it existed. I should add, my partner suffered from depression and tried to kill herself on multiple occasions and I managed to prevent that. To put that into perspective - awful and terrifying but this was beyond even that.
Eventually went to GP yesterday as chest pains continued. GP did some checks and put it down to anxiety, referred me to a talking therapies group.
Got home, thought "great, its all in my mind. Just relax and remember that".
Just due to go to bed and suddenly feel this pressure growing inside my chest, a few inches below my nipple. It kept growing and could feel something under the surface of my skin growing. Thought it was my liver massively expanding.
Try to rationalise but brain tells me that "you can physically see and feel something going on, thats real, not in your head". Again call NHS direct who suggest i go to get checked out.
Said this wasn't possible as it was 0130 and A&E is 20 miles away - no car, no public transport. They said they'll get a GP to call. As soon as I put the phone down, head is going crazy with worry and decide to spend the money to take a taxi to the hospital.
Can feel this thing all the way there, have to undo belt and button in the taxi because I feel like i'm about to burst. Soon as i get to A&E it starts to subside.
Spend the next four hours being checked out. Bloods, urine, physical exam. Can't find anything.
Come home and even now, got a nagging pain in my side and in spite of having those checks i'm worried they missed something.
THIS IS INSANE! I know it but I can't always rationalise it away. I genuinely believe that this evening I had something happen but i don't know what and nor do the doctors. I believe they checked properly and there is nothing there but i still feel "what if's" creeping in.
I'm not an outwardly nervous person. Am good in a work environment and can be reasonable company with friends or wider groups. I'm moderately successful in what i apply myself to and don't run away from challenges.
But right now I feel like i'm losing my mind. GP thinks its all coming out now i've got some space after everything that has happened. I think he's right.
Sorry for the long post but I really needed to get this off my chest. Going to read a lot on this forum but I suspect it'll make me stress when I read some posts.