Continuing to Freak over Mole

[Weasley123]

So I posted before over the slightly raise light brown mole that was scabbing bleeding it had a slight pin prick scab on it that I noticed, a tiny black dot. I rubbed it and it bled. I believe that a few months prior the same mole had had a tiny black dot scab that went away. I went to the derm he looked at it with the dermascope and said it was nothing, but at that point it was all irritated from me picking and pulling at it. Two weeks passed and it healed but it still seemed scaly to me. I freaked and scratched and pulled at the scaliness and bled and scabbed again. Hysterical that it was cancer because i read change in texture was a sign of cancer I went to the deem again. The Derm still felt it was nothing he said he was 99% sure. He biopsied it. I should add hubby says Ive had this mole for years. Im not as sure I have one picture of my back from years ago and can't really see the mole in it, but it is a smaller mole maybe 4 or 5 mm. I have tons and tons of moles and am very pale. Ill try to calm down and then become hysterical again. I seriously go back and forth between extremes. My biggest fears are:
1) Im 37 and this was my first derm check in a decade, Im so ashamed
2) Ive never tanned much at all, one bad burn in my early 20s, and thats about it, but I keep focusing on that burn
3) I was born with red hair that darkened to light brown but still has a lot of red in it, its dyed blonde now, I've heard red heads are more susceptible to skin cancer regardless of sun exposure
4) This is my biggest and perhaps most ridiculous fear. A year ago I had another heath freak out, my first, and the only one Ive had until this. I got panicky about stomach issues and got many tests, blood, ct scan etc Everything but the CT scan was totally normal. The CT scan was basically totally normal BUT they found a tiny node on my liver two small to categorize The ER doc said it was nothing. I was so ashamed by the whole affair I basically forgot about it. Now however, I can't stop revisiting. A crazy part of me thinks it was spread of the melanoma even then, this was last December, and that now my whole liver is probably tumors.

On one hand I really think its nothing, but on the other hand I am racked with terror. I figure why not me, and revisit all the horror stories of people battling stage 4 melanoma. Im not a health nut, I'm not over weight but I eat plenty junk and drink a bottle of wine every weekend and only walk for exercise. . I just want to continue my regular existence with my husband and dogs and cats, watching TV, eating, drinking wine on weekends, taking day trips etc. I want my simple life, which now seems perfect to me, to continue and Im terrified it wont. I just dont know how to make it until monday to get the results. I keep thinking this could be my last non cancer weekend

[Torimori]

Hi weasley,

I know exactly how you feel. I have a mole just to on my front, just below my shoulder (near bra strap!). I remember always having it but noticed that it had become bigger (it's around a cm diameter) and more uneven around edges. One day I also noticed that it was black and had bled a little.

I went to my GP twice and then he finally referred me to the hospital. I had a full review and images taken and returned 6 months later to check there had been no change. There hadn't. I asked about a biopsy and they said that it would leave a hugely visible scar because of the size and location of it and they reassured me that in their opinion, this was not cancerous.

It took me a couple of weeks to accept that but now, of course, I have moved onto something else (feels like something different every day/week) and think very little about it (until this post!).

You're right with all the stories in the media and that does certainly highlight worse case scenarios. I have, in fact, banned myself from Google and FACEBOOK for 2 weeks!

I try very hard to be well for my little boy, to not show him when I am really having a bad day and he is all I think of when my HA kicks in - I worry how he would react to bad news, what would happen at the funeral, how my husband and him would manage in my absence. In the space of a few minutes, I have clearly mapped out the most horrendous outcome from a really minor ache or pain.

Keep focussing on the good stuff, as hard as it is and we will get there!

[Weasley123]

Thank u. It helps to know others feel the same. I wish I had an explanation for the initial scab like rubbing by bra but I don't of course later I aggravated the area trying to look at it. It's pretty near the center of shoukder blades. I focus on weird things like it felt scaly not smooth like my other moles. The weird thing is I'm not depressed. I love my life. But fear is making me nuts. Ups and downs. I go months without a fear then it comes back. I'm trying to focus on the fact he said it come off easily. But negatives hop in. I walked past a funeral today and though I'm not really superstitious I felt it was a sign

---------- Post added at 23:08 ---------- Previous post was at 21:48 ----------

Now I've pokes at lymph nodes and my neck hurts I hate anxiety

[Torimori]

The Dr told me that I had probably taken the top off of the mole without realising (maybe in my sleep) and that is why it was scabby and black.

I love my life too, not depressed, the only thing that gets me down is this anxiety. I have such an amazing job, family and group of friends who all understand how anxiety affects me but I still fell guilty needing to take some time away to sort myself out again.
If you need to talk at all just let me know, x

[Weasley123]

Thank u I really appreciate talking to others. My friends and husband are so supportive but. can't really get it. My good friend work, I'm a special Ed teacher, is older then me I'm 37 she's 61 and I see her as a mom figure. I'm not close to my mom. She's very reassuring and thinks I need a vacation. She had terrible anxiety years ago when she was right by the 9 11 terrorist attacks and saw them. At least she had a reason i don't. My other friend I spoke to was like I'd be anxious too. Didn't help doesn't see the extent of my anxiety cause I mask it. My husband is the opposite of me he never ever gets anxious. He told me he can't remember the last time he was worried. Rationally I know I scratched the mole and made it worse. My husband says I've had it. The dr is concerned. Irrationally I keep thinking why was its texture diff from my other moles. Did I really have it forever. I have one pic from 14 years ago of my back. I can see some of my other moles but not that one. I keep thinking of one of my dr Google clicks a story of a women who lives near me. A teacher like me. A bit younger. Mole in exact same spot. Told not to worry mole biopsied stage 4. I know this doesn't bare on me but still

[Torimori]

Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. You carry on hiding your anxiety and are able to live a relatively normal life (as it appears on the outside anyway). I've had it creeping back up over the past few months and then had a total meltdown at work on Wednesday (I work in education also). Work have suggested that I take a couple of weeks off to allow my self time to get used to setraline again.

I'm tying to stop checking as much at the moment but are having a lot of hair loss which is my new obsession.

What are you doing today? Can you take some time to move out of your routine for a while? X

[Weasley123]

Im sorry u r suffering so much and r so anxious too. I'd be freaked if my hair fell out but it's most likely stress. I'm going to a street fair today. The real issue will be work Monday. I'm a special Ed teacher and will have to be teaching and working with thr kids who are very high needs. Plus I have an important meeting. Work doesn't really stress me at all. I love the kids. The problem is I get so distracted with my mind on anxiety. I forget things and can't concentrate. Since I'm calling Monday toget results it will be awful. I'm a good teacher and my bosses have no idea about my anxiety since I mask it. I forget more stuff at home. Losing my keys in my pocket etc. worst of all I feel like I don't give my pets, enough attention when I'm anxious. I think a huge part of my problem is more over active imagination, do u have one? Also I'm a suggestible and empathetic person I easily identify with others. I hear those medical stories abs see myself. The weird thing is outside of this I'm very logical and scientific. Being upset about walking past a funeral was especially weird as I'm not particularly religious or superstitious normally but now I see signs everywhere. In truth I think I know thus time I'm fine but someday I won't be or worse my husband won't be. Then something really will be wrong and how will I cope. I fee, like HA is the worst anxiety because someday you'll be right. As I get older and approach middle age, I'm 37, I know it's more likely something can go wrong. I never had these worries three years ago

[Torimori]

Yes, I'm definitely an overthinking too. I have always over-analysed things and have always put it down to curiosity and wanting to know about everything. Unfortunately it's gone too far, and it's rare that I can enjoy much without worrying that there will be consequences.

I am a very organised and conscientious individual and very work-driven. Work is always there for me when I need to take my mind off of my HA but I've gone beyond distraction techniques this time and my mind and body is exhausted. I've not left the house since Wednesday and only been dressed once.
As you have mentioned you don't feel that you give other things your full attention and that's not surprising when you're battling against yourself. It's tiring and the feelings of guilt just add to the vicious circle. It's certainly not easy but you're doing amazingly well to continue on as you are.

Can I ask if there is a reason that you have not told you boss about your HA?

[Weasley123]

As a teacher we get tons of time off naturally. I get ten sick days and don't want to take many more you really aren't allowed. I took a day to get the biopsy. I'm still fighting with is it all ha or is something wrong. I do have a physical symptom. So I just presented t as I need to go to dr for a biopsy. She was ok with it. I haven't been unable to dress work etc yet. I've even slept ok thanks to some Xanax I had that my gyn gave me when I had to put my dog to sleep. I just can't stop googling worrying. To me my mole really does look like some melanomas plus I'm pale with tons of moles I just can't see why it changed. It's so scary