You can call me Loris

[LorisA]

I'm not huge on talking about myself a lot in person, but I find it's a lot easier to write it down and not see people's reactions when they read about it all.
I'm a Canadian Illustration student who was previously diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and IBS, but re-diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression. It started a few years back when my mother, who I always lived with just me and her, moved away and I lived with my father and sisters instead. My mother is an alcohol and it scares me when I can't take care of her. I don't like not being able to control things around me, it makes me feel helpless. I realized, after moving away for college, that there was more to my anxiety than just my mother because being around people and having people see me made me nervous. When I felt anxious I would avoid people and not go to class (I'm even doing that today) and then I'd become depressed as a result because I'd realize that I'm wasting my time just hiding away. It was then that I started reaching out for help. I have panic attacks more often now, nothing ever actually triggers them, except maybe high emotions. I have been receiving help through my school's Clinic and Counseling services, but it's hard to get through those times between appointments.
If you read through that block of text, you're a champ. Thanks for reading.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya LorisA and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[Davit]

Hello Loris
You sound very much like an introvert trying to fit in an extroverts world and you would not be alone in this. There are two types of people being very opposite at either end of the scale referred to as apples and oranges because of their differences. And they are very different. Attachment theory has four classes but for anxiety two is enough. Oranges are quiet, creative, compassionate, and enjoy their own company. Apples can be this too but only for the attention it gets. Apples are the large majority and competitive. Apples seldom get anxiety as bad as oranges.

All anxiety comes out of memory, triggers only access it. You also sound more Agoraphobic than social anxiety by your need to cure it. Agoraphobia is definitely curable.

Davit

[LorisA]

Thanks for the replies!

The funny things is, Davit, that I don't actually act like an introvert and I don't feel like an introvert. When my paranoia of people judging me or my constant reminders of how much I screw up socially aren't bogging down my mind, I'm quite an outgoing person. I'm often the one to speak up and make a joke, to lead a conversation, to be a leader on a project with a team of people. I speak really well in front of people at those times too. It's just sometimes these things just peak. It's usually if I do something I personally think isn't right to do/say or if I start noticing people looking at me.
I have a huge problem with people watching me eat. I always think that they're going to look at what I eat and judge me accordingly base on that.
And just early today I was walking down a hallway and this one girl passed me and I found myself harping on what she thought about me. Maybe she thought I looked sloppy, fat, or ugly. Maybe she thought cruel things in her mind. I think I just became so accustom to people thinking badly of me in adolescence that I've just gotten used to assuming that people are going to think terrible things of me. It's so cynical!
I had a panic attack in class earlier this week. I was arguing with my professor about a small detail on an assignment because I didn't quite understand what she wanted from me. After I understood it, she left and I sat there and had to do my breathing exercises. It was so embarrassing! My friend next to me doesn't know much about my disorder and there I was breathing deeply and crying with my hands over my face. I'm in college and I cried in class, I feel like a child again. I haven't been back to school yet, I've just been laying in bed watching Netflix for the passed two days. I feel totally down, but I'm so exhausted and scared to go back out again.

[Davit]

Hi

This site is the only one with an accurate description of Agoraphobia. I'm a good leader of people and people willingly follow my lead. I have no trouble talking to people on the net or in person, one on one or in a coffee shop yet when I take the Jung test I'm definitely an introvert. The test is on the internet. I can relate to eating. For many years I could not eat around people. I refused all invitations to supper, birthdays and holidays. I still do out of habit, not fear. The cure for agoraphobia and social anxiety is similar if not the same. It is changing a thought pattern. Words that seem to mean the same thing often trigger different reactions. In the case of Agoraphobia the words are "have to" and "want to". "Have to" gives you no choice and no control, "want to" gives you choice and therefore control. If you seriously want to go to class and tell yourself so every time you balk you can do it. If you feel you "have to" it will be difficult. The second thing is acceptance that you have little control of situations but you do have control of how you see them and how you see yourself in them. All survival skills are negative because they have to be so panic is just a reaction to survival skills that is exaggerated.

Davit