Alison89
04-10-14, 11:56
Hi,
I started taking citalopram at the beginning of August, and at first I had a pretty rough experience but it has now largely turned around so I thought it would be helpful to record my 'journey' on here in the hope that it may help others.
Before I begin, a couple of things to mention: I started taking citalopram for the almost exclusive reason that I have very intrusive feelings of irrational guilt and worry. I wouldn't say I was depressed before I started taking it, although the thoughts didn't exactly make me happy. Secondly, my Dr thought that I should take cbt which I declined. If you are in a similar situation to me I would take the advice of your Dr.
Week One:
I felt an almost immediate reaction to the 20mg of citalopram. I was suffering from a partcularly horrible intrusive thought and I remember going for a shower ( which is usually where I mull things over A LOT) and feeling as if I just couldn't be bothered to ruminate over this thought which was a massive relief but also kind of weird. I remember having an image of my thought being under ice and my mind was frozen on top of it and I couldn't get to it. It was literally hard to have an intrusive thought.
However, this quickly passed and I soon got increased anxiety and extreme tiredness. Luckily, I had a week off work and my hosuemates were away. I literally just sat on the sofa watching TV for a week. Also, I had massively decreased appetite. I also woke up one night and had what can i only describe as a panic attack, which I've never had. My breathing was completely out of control and I couldn't calm down for about 15 minutes.
Week two: All I can say is that the side effects were so tiring that I didn't really think about anything much. Therefore, i more or less stopped having my intrusive thoughts. I was still really tired. My apetitie did come back though. I had to have way more sleep ( I went to bed at like 8pm) so that I wasn't exhausted at work.
I also remember having 3 days of feeling really down. Like a feeling of severe blackness for no apparent reason. I guess that was my short insight into what depression would be like, and I feel extremely sorry for you if you feel like this longterm.
Week three: Again, the side effects were lingering. I was still very tired and random bursts of anxiety that were foreign to that which I usually exprerienced. I started getitng really fed up because my Dr told me it would take about 2-3 weeks to kick in.
Week four: Finally, my side effects started to settle a bit, as if it was kind of showing what 'lay' beneath; a newer clarity and, like in my first day of taking the medication, a feeling of not being able to 'get to' my intrusive thoughts.
At times, to try and 'test' if it was actually working and I wasn't just imagining it, I would sit down and try really hard to ruminiate on something which previously haunted me and it was really hard: it was like I would scratch the surface of a thought but not really 'get into it' like I did before taking this medication.
However, I had the odd days/evenings of feeling sad or tired or anxious. But never were these feelings reminiscent of the sheer acute anxiety that I suffered from before.
Week five: Massively helped me. I also started to notice that I had bursts of feeling really excited about stuff. I forgot what feeling excited was like! I would look forward to seeing a friend that evening, speaking to my mum on the phone, even going to work! However, these bursts don't really last for very long, which is kind of good because it would feel artificial if i was continuously excited! However, i noticed ( and this still happens) that when I wake up first thing in the morning (like, just opening my eyes) I feel extremely happy- almost high! Which is pleasant but this quickly goes. But it's nice, because it puts you in a more positive mood for the day. I guess it must be endorphins rushing to my brain when it wakes up ore something ( i'm not scientific!)
Week six: This was the week I had a check up with my Dr. For the first half of the week I was feeling good, and I was looking forward to telling my dr how much better i feel. However, to my surprise an irrational thought which i had like three years ago came back to haunt me. I though about it all the time and I had that same repetitive 'going round in irrational circles' habit I used to have before I started taking citalopram.
I told the dr about my citalopram and he suggested two things: that I up my dose to 30mg and that I write down all my anxious thoughts.
Week 7: Previously, I would have scoffed at the idea of writing down my thoughts: "have you not thought I've already thought of that?" believe, me i have diaries full of my anxious thoughts. But this time, it actually helped. So i can totally see why they say that citalopram puts you in a state where therapy helps more.
Upping my dose to 30mg upped my side effects again, but nowhere near as last time. I maybe had 3 days of increased tiredness and anxiety.
Week 8: That feeling of happiness in the morning came back to me, as well as the random bursts of excitement. Altough the intrusive thoughts stayed, I was able to make what I call a 'circle of rationality' in my mind. Whereby, every time I have an irrational thought, I force myself to immediately go round a full circle of rational thinking to kind of expel the irrationality. At first, I wrote these down, then I memorised them. This helped more that anything. In fact, just as I was writing this, I had an unwanted thought so I stopped writing, and went through my memorised thoughts why this thought was irrational. Previously, this would be a useless exercise. Now, it helps enormously.
Week 9( this week): Well, the thoughts are still here, but they are no where near as intense. And I feel like i have a safety net with my 'circle of rationality' thought exercise and the citalopram. i feel more motivated and my mood has generally increased. I have not lost my temper once. I haven't cried at all ( I actually think it would be pretty hard to cry, which is a bit weird but hey ho)
I should mention that i still have a sort of foreign to me very-slight anxiety. Almost like a very vague fidgety feeling which i can't quite place. But I would exchange that any day to what i previously felt.
I also still need more sleep, which is probably only a good thing for me.
I also cycle for three miles a day which kind of jumpstarts my endorphins which is lovely!
I only listen to joyful music, and I want to watch comedies instead of dramas!
What else? reading has really helped. It gives my mind a break from everything.
My hope is that in a few months I will take these pills and I won't have to think about my anxiety anymore. I'm not there yet, but this safety net is wonderful.
stay with it guys. It gets better.
I started taking citalopram at the beginning of August, and at first I had a pretty rough experience but it has now largely turned around so I thought it would be helpful to record my 'journey' on here in the hope that it may help others.
Before I begin, a couple of things to mention: I started taking citalopram for the almost exclusive reason that I have very intrusive feelings of irrational guilt and worry. I wouldn't say I was depressed before I started taking it, although the thoughts didn't exactly make me happy. Secondly, my Dr thought that I should take cbt which I declined. If you are in a similar situation to me I would take the advice of your Dr.
Week One:
I felt an almost immediate reaction to the 20mg of citalopram. I was suffering from a partcularly horrible intrusive thought and I remember going for a shower ( which is usually where I mull things over A LOT) and feeling as if I just couldn't be bothered to ruminate over this thought which was a massive relief but also kind of weird. I remember having an image of my thought being under ice and my mind was frozen on top of it and I couldn't get to it. It was literally hard to have an intrusive thought.
However, this quickly passed and I soon got increased anxiety and extreme tiredness. Luckily, I had a week off work and my hosuemates were away. I literally just sat on the sofa watching TV for a week. Also, I had massively decreased appetite. I also woke up one night and had what can i only describe as a panic attack, which I've never had. My breathing was completely out of control and I couldn't calm down for about 15 minutes.
Week two: All I can say is that the side effects were so tiring that I didn't really think about anything much. Therefore, i more or less stopped having my intrusive thoughts. I was still really tired. My apetitie did come back though. I had to have way more sleep ( I went to bed at like 8pm) so that I wasn't exhausted at work.
I also remember having 3 days of feeling really down. Like a feeling of severe blackness for no apparent reason. I guess that was my short insight into what depression would be like, and I feel extremely sorry for you if you feel like this longterm.
Week three: Again, the side effects were lingering. I was still very tired and random bursts of anxiety that were foreign to that which I usually exprerienced. I started getitng really fed up because my Dr told me it would take about 2-3 weeks to kick in.
Week four: Finally, my side effects started to settle a bit, as if it was kind of showing what 'lay' beneath; a newer clarity and, like in my first day of taking the medication, a feeling of not being able to 'get to' my intrusive thoughts.
At times, to try and 'test' if it was actually working and I wasn't just imagining it, I would sit down and try really hard to ruminiate on something which previously haunted me and it was really hard: it was like I would scratch the surface of a thought but not really 'get into it' like I did before taking this medication.
However, I had the odd days/evenings of feeling sad or tired or anxious. But never were these feelings reminiscent of the sheer acute anxiety that I suffered from before.
Week five: Massively helped me. I also started to notice that I had bursts of feeling really excited about stuff. I forgot what feeling excited was like! I would look forward to seeing a friend that evening, speaking to my mum on the phone, even going to work! However, these bursts don't really last for very long, which is kind of good because it would feel artificial if i was continuously excited! However, i noticed ( and this still happens) that when I wake up first thing in the morning (like, just opening my eyes) I feel extremely happy- almost high! Which is pleasant but this quickly goes. But it's nice, because it puts you in a more positive mood for the day. I guess it must be endorphins rushing to my brain when it wakes up ore something ( i'm not scientific!)
Week six: This was the week I had a check up with my Dr. For the first half of the week I was feeling good, and I was looking forward to telling my dr how much better i feel. However, to my surprise an irrational thought which i had like three years ago came back to haunt me. I though about it all the time and I had that same repetitive 'going round in irrational circles' habit I used to have before I started taking citalopram.
I told the dr about my citalopram and he suggested two things: that I up my dose to 30mg and that I write down all my anxious thoughts.
Week 7: Previously, I would have scoffed at the idea of writing down my thoughts: "have you not thought I've already thought of that?" believe, me i have diaries full of my anxious thoughts. But this time, it actually helped. So i can totally see why they say that citalopram puts you in a state where therapy helps more.
Upping my dose to 30mg upped my side effects again, but nowhere near as last time. I maybe had 3 days of increased tiredness and anxiety.
Week 8: That feeling of happiness in the morning came back to me, as well as the random bursts of excitement. Altough the intrusive thoughts stayed, I was able to make what I call a 'circle of rationality' in my mind. Whereby, every time I have an irrational thought, I force myself to immediately go round a full circle of rational thinking to kind of expel the irrationality. At first, I wrote these down, then I memorised them. This helped more that anything. In fact, just as I was writing this, I had an unwanted thought so I stopped writing, and went through my memorised thoughts why this thought was irrational. Previously, this would be a useless exercise. Now, it helps enormously.
Week 9( this week): Well, the thoughts are still here, but they are no where near as intense. And I feel like i have a safety net with my 'circle of rationality' thought exercise and the citalopram. i feel more motivated and my mood has generally increased. I have not lost my temper once. I haven't cried at all ( I actually think it would be pretty hard to cry, which is a bit weird but hey ho)
I should mention that i still have a sort of foreign to me very-slight anxiety. Almost like a very vague fidgety feeling which i can't quite place. But I would exchange that any day to what i previously felt.
I also still need more sleep, which is probably only a good thing for me.
I also cycle for three miles a day which kind of jumpstarts my endorphins which is lovely!
I only listen to joyful music, and I want to watch comedies instead of dramas!
What else? reading has really helped. It gives my mind a break from everything.
My hope is that in a few months I will take these pills and I won't have to think about my anxiety anymore. I'm not there yet, but this safety net is wonderful.
stay with it guys. It gets better.