At the end?

[PanickyPolly]

Might as well forget the depression forum for the time being as it's currently being hogged by a conspiracy theory.

Have had a guts full tonight...for the past few weeks actually. My moods are crazy...one minute up, one minute suicidally depressed the next wanting to kill someone or hurt myself. Broke my phone today by slamming it on the floor. More bouts of rage are taking over me. ended up in a slump on the floor crying my eyes out. Can't take much more. Feel so rejected and abandoned. I feel everyone is pushing me away. Am getting more and more and more and more sensitive to rejection and critisism. Am seriously contemplating serious self harm now. I mean like slamming my fingers in a door or pouring clue in mye yes. Morbid and gross I know but that's what I'm going through.

Supposed to be going to London next week...work related...how the hell am I supposed to do that?

All I have right now is you guys as sad as that is.

[mooks]

polly
so sad to hear your bad...on a positive note...your working i say positve...i still cant get back to work....so there is some proof you can do this....how did you get on at the doctors??

[manmoor]

Hi Polly,

Don't be so hard on yourself hun. We are all here for you. Big hugs xoxoxox

Take Care

Mandyxx

[hopeful]

Hi Polly,
Sorry you're having such a bad time. Id get back on to the CPN if I were you. Its awful when they just leave patients to get on with it. I really feel for you. Hope you can get things sorted asap.
Take care
julie x

[PITITA]

Oh poor Polly, I also really feel for you. I do get mood swings and agressive as well which does scare me, but I try to accept that it is being caused by the frustration of not getting better or improving the way I expect. Yeah I was also wondering how did you get on with the doctors at the end? What did they say, did they offer you some kind of help?
I am so sorry you are feeling like this, you don't deserve to be feeling so bad and feel abandoned and pushed away :( I believe deep down you don't want to hurt either yourself or others you are just frustrated hun I think. It is such good news that you have to go to London for work, you will be around people I think you need that right now:) You can also perhaps do something fun while in London like go to the kew gardens and look at pretty flowers? Just an idea...
You know another idea is CALL a helpline like samaritans, freedom for help, or the one that you feel comfortable with, don't hold it all inside hun. They won't judge you, they will just listen and if you have to do it daily then it is fine, don't suffer in silence :( Nothing is embaressing about it, I've done it many times and it did help just to be able to offload. They will also be able to refer you to relevant organisations where you can get help from.
Thinking of you loads, and if you feel the need to talk to someone you can always PM me and I'll be just here:)
Hope you feel a little better today!
Love and Peace xxxx Anita

"If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you're guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn't YOU its- its the crazy lenses you are wearing! " Feeling Good handbook

[mick]

hi Polly
feeling low myself m8 so i know what your going thru,but if i didnt have n.m.p id be totaly lost,so dont worry your not sad in that sense never, its what we are all hear for to help each other out when we can
take care Mick

[PanickyPolly]

God I feel stupid now...I say stupid things about harming myself then I feel stupid. So embarassing. Anyways thannks for being so understanding. I saw my CPN again today and it was weird this time. I felt like I was being judged again. It's probably all in my head but there you go. Anyways...this is the crux of the matter. I told her I am scared and that normal regular counselling isn't helping and that I feel (and my GP feels) I need a psychologist and she said the way things are with the NHS at the moment I doubt you will see one as your case isn't strong enough. Well bugger me. On top of it all she said there's a chance I might have a personality disorder but she'll go over that with the psychologist when she passes on my case...yet I can't see one. Sense? I know it's not really her I know it's the Welsh NHS. I was told I had to wait a year to see a neurologist for instance even though I was having convulsions. I only got to see him quicker because my GP hapenned to be a good mate if his. Pure luck really. Otherwise I'd still be on the waiting list. English people...you think it's bad...try living in Wales! Geez. I basically feel like I'm being told to forget it all and get in with my life. She says the reason my case isn't storng enough is I am functioning (ie my work) yet I know for a fact that people with personality disorders do function. God almighty this is not fair. Plus I don't feel they know enough abut me to say how bad I am yet. She took down notes which might be enough to sway the psychologist to see me yet it might very well not be. If I can't see one the only other option might be to go privately and that will cost a bomb. Anyways I'm seeing her in two weeks and she'll have her decision then. In the meantime I think I'll make inquiries into private practices. This is all I need right now!

[Nel]

Wow, you're having a tough time of it, eh!?
I hope you get somewhere - personality disorders are generally diagnosed in late teens, it's awful if you have been left so many years without treatment for it. Good luck.

Nel xx

[hopeful]

glad you're feeling better Polly. No wonder so many of us have anxiety/panic disorders etc.,when things are not available for months or even years in some cases. We wouldnt be left to suffer with a broken leg would we?
Take care
julie x

[PanickyPolly]

Am getting more and more worried now as time is going on. I knew I'd be like this if they didn't give me a clear answer. I fele unstable and unsafe. How on earth can they deny my psychotherapy???? I feel as if they are saying my life is worthless.

[creatrix]

Jeez, Polly - I don't think they're saying your life is worthless, but rather that their system of triaging is worthless. Do they seriously believe that no one with a job has ever injured themselves? You hang in there... I'm sendingyou good vibes! (((hugs)))

[PanickyPolly]

It's utterly rediculous. Anybody got any experience with the NHS in Wales and how to get around this?

[creatrix]

It *is* crazy. In the states, there is usually a high-school educated clerk making decisions like that. The insurance companies decide if you need help or not. I actually had an insurance company refuse me medication once!

If I were you, I'd play the system. I guess you have to really know what their protocols are because you don't want to end up in restraints being hauled off to Bedlam, but I have to wonder if you were to call a suicide hotline and discuss your urges, if they would put a word in saying you need help.

Good luck!!!!!!

[Nel]

It's so sad, let's not mince our words here - the NHS are f'ing hopeless.
I was told by the local mental health team that I was a priority case for CBT, and when I phoned them today they told me the waiting list was 5 months. I am NOT having that (I'm virtually housebound!) so I see my GP on Friday whom I will make sure writes and tells themt o get me up that waiting list!

I was admitted to hospital recently because they put me on yet another potent med that sent me haywire, and left me on it for nearly 4 weeks.
If you feel brave enough, phone your local doctor on call, or just go yourself (it would be good to have someone to take you there, if you have anyone around) to your local A&E dept. and tell them you need to see the on duty psychiatrist immediately. Tell the on duty psychiatirst how UTTERLY desperate you feel.

Nel xxx

[PanickyPolly]

Well in the end I rang The Samaritans and they calmed me down a bit because once I got off here I started self harming again. I also phoned the NHS helpline for advice and they said I should ask for a second opinion if I don't feel the assesment by the cON was carrid out properly. I also remembere thta 6 years ago when my mother was seeing one of the psychologists down at the hospital she told him about my symptoms and (providing she told him the truth) he was so concerned about me he phoned me and begged me to go see him myself. I didn't as I didn't understand how bad I was but it just now seems so ironic that when you want a psychologist you are denied one and when you don't you can't get away from them.

[creatrix]

Polly, this may come off as incredibly lame, but I'll share anyway. I used to self harm and I've found that if I donate blood or volunteer doing some serious ass-busting labour I don't have the urge anymore. I don't know if it's because both things hurt or because they make me feel better about myself or whatever, but it has helped. Once i did a walk-a-thon - I just saw it happening, asked what it was, and they said a grocery store was donating food to needy people for every person who walked, so i did. I don't know if this would work for everyone, but it did help me. Good luck, sweetheart.

[PanickyPolly]

thanks very much for the suggestion Creatrix...it sounds like a good one but the trouble is I have a physical disability as well and sometimes I can't walk at all let alone do anything strenuous. that's why the only thing I have to distract myself is my work and I can't ven do that sometimes as I'm either too out of it emotionally or I can't sit at the desk because I am in physical pain.

[creatrix]

Damn... so much for that idea! Well, I do hope the healthcare system manages to come through for you soon! The call to the Samaratans sounds like it helped a bit... I'm glad they were able to be there for you!!

[PanickyPolly]

They might have saved my life actually. I relied on them a lot when I was a teenager and having very bad problems at home with abuse. They helped me through a lot. Called the NHS advice line tody and they told me that even though they are struggling under the weight of demand for mental health care I shouldn't have to be penalised for it. Have left a message for my CPN also asking her to call me back. Will let her know one of their psychs previoulsy begged me to see him and see if it sways anything. If all else fails I could see someone privately, get a diagnosis and then get them to write to my CPN asking for specialist help.

[mick]

h polly
thinking of you love keep on on there hun we all love ya on this site not much of a counsellor i know but i think although i dont know what cards life has dealt you the point is we are your m8s on this site and are behind you 100% all the way dont give up dont ever give up
kindred spirit Mick

[PanickyPolly]

Thanks Mick that's very swee. I'm feeling hyper at the mo and can do anything mood. It won't last though...I just hope I get one ofm those moods when it comes to fighting the system.