The only option

[aquababe]

My life has been a cycle of trying to acheive and failing ever since I can remember. In fact the last time I felt truly successful I was at primary school. I have battled depression for a long time and think that my failure stems from stress overload. About 3 years ago I was formally diagnosed as clinically depressed with social anxiety disorder. Well I am at that point again where it is make or break in what I am trying to acheive, namely a masters degree, and I am royally f*****g it up. When I tell you I am in my mid thirties and trying to do this it may shed some light on just how much I have drifted through life. I am at my wits end now and have been seriously contemplating suicide for about the past 2 weeks. I have reasoned that it is the only way out and I have written the relevant correspondance planned what hotel to go to and even set a date. I am fed up of ending up in the same place again and again and again and again. I have absolutely no one I can share with. I haven't made a new friend for years and all my old ones have drifted away, and I am already too much of a burden to my family. Is there any hope? I dont think so and feel my decision is actually pretty responsible.

[yorkylover]

Hi aquababe,sorry to hear you are feeling so bad,are you on any meds and do you have access to any mental health numbers.I have depression and have numbers I can phone and out of hours numbers.Im really concerned about your post.

Ellen XX

[HazyMind]

Im so sorry that your feeling so low, i know its so hard to live with and cope with it all.
I truly understand how you are feeling, ive been battling this illness for ten years and i can understand how hard life gets.
It sounds like you have made a huge acheivement by taking on a degree.
Im sorry im not very good at giving advice, i so wish i could right now, but things can get better please remember this and im sure this site will help you!
Please feel free to pm or mail me if you want to, you really are not alone here.
Take care x

[honeybee3939]

Hi Aquababe !

Please dont feel like you are alone ! We are all here to help, and you have certainly come to the right place to make friends.

I My self have battled with depression for many years, and like you i thought there would never be a end to it all, as a matter of fact i could have wrote a identical post to what you have written a few years ago. But believe me am i glad i didnt let those awful thoughts get the better of me.
Things do get better Aquababe i promise you that, are you getting any help from anyone? Doctor etc? Are you taking any meds?
I am alot better now after the right help, and im sure you can be too.


Please dont feel you are on your own, i for one would love to be your friend.

Please email or pm me.

Love

Andrea
xxxx

[Lynnann]

Hi Aquababe,

Please don't do anything rash, although things look bleak at the moment, tomorrow is another day!! You must be an intellegent and sucessful person to be able to begin a masters degree while battling depression. Could you take a break from your sourse and later ressume when you are in a better place?

I am sure you can make friends, looks like you have made some tonight!

Your family would be devastated if you did anything to harm yourself, I am sure they do not think of you as a burden.

Please go and see your doctor and tell them how desperate you are!!

You have taken a first step by coming here, there are lots of people that will be there for you if you will only let them

sending lots of hugs to you

Lynnann

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I totally understand where you're coming from, although you've got to realise that depression is a trick of the mind.

Look at Robbie Williams, Stephen Fry or caroline Ahearne- they all suffer from depression. Do you think that they are worthless, talentless, bad people? Of course they're not, they're amongst the most talented creative people in the country and very nice people to boot. You and I can see that their thoughts are distorted and that they're not seeing the situation properly, but they can't see it because they're in the middle of it. The same is true of us. Outsiders can see that we have something valuable to contribute better than we do.

I've contemplated suicide myself, anyone who has suffered from depression has. But, it's just another version of the fight or flight response. When you feel anxious or panicky you feel like you need to get away from the situation, but you get over it and calm down. You're having the same reaction now- you want to run away from your pain. But it will pass. I've had quite severe bouts of depression in the past, where I've considered depression, but they've passed and I've been able to get on with life.

Try reading David Burn's book 'Feeling Good', it's really helping me. I do feel like circumstances can make us feel depressed and hopeless. I've been in a job that I hate for 3 1/2 years and I've been faced with the prospect of a wedding that I didn't want. But, I've now decided to leave my job and the wedding is off. It is kind of a scary time, but I feel relieved that I'm not doing things that i don't want to do anymore.

It's not worth it. What have you done to make new friends? making new friends is like sales, it's a numbers game. The more people you interact with daily, the more chance you have of making friends. Plus, you need to perservere and to put yourself out there.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Ness]

Aquababe, my thoughts are with you. I know that things seem impossible now , and it seems like theres no end to it all (and you've been told this a million times I'm sure!), but you will get through this. There is always hope, even if it doesnt seem like there is now. I'm sure weve all been in a similar situation. I know Ive contemplated suicide, but then I pull myself out of it, something good happens, and I realise how good life can be. As for your family, believe me, it would be much harder for them to cope with losing you than with what you are suffering with now. My family has been through hell and back, but with the right medical help and the right medication and techniques things are a lot easier, and it has made not only me, but my family stronger people.

Good luck babe

Love Ness xoxoxo

[polly daydream]

Hi, sorry life isn't going your way at the moment but please remember we are all here for you, pm me if you need to chat.

Take care,

Polly x

[aquababe]

Hello you wonderful people! Things dont really seem any better today. I spoke to my nan who could tll I was down and that made me feel so bad. She is the one person I am holding on for...I know she would be devestated if anything happened to me but in a way at least she wouldnt have to constantly worry about me then as the worse would have already happened. I moved to the place i'm at now to try and start agin...new friends, new places, etc, but it hasn't panned out. I tried to socialise as much as possible to begin with but I get gripped by anxiety when out and totally shut down and cant communicate with anyone so end up sitting in a corner on my own. Needless to say I didnt get asked out anymore. Yesterday and today have been particularly bad for me as I've had it confirmed that I'm not a very nice person and that other people are much moe worth caring for than me.

[freakedout]

Hi aquababe ((big hugs))

I am afraid that i have no words of wisdom for you, but I can really understand your despair. It is a terrible and overwhelming state to be in, I know from experience. Just get yourself through one day at a time.

take care and know that people out here are thinkin about you, pm me anytime.

Freaky

[Lynnann]

Hi Aquababe,

How can you be a " not nice " person when you're nan loves you that much! You are in the grip of your depression at the moment but things will improve! I have been where you are and only held on for my children! I also know the pain of being the one left behind and I can promise that your nan would be devastated. You have obviously had a lot to cope with, which will aggrevate your anxiety, new place, new friends and a masters degree! Give yourself a break!!
I am just trying to take baby steps at the moment and I am sure there will be times where I take two steps forward and one back! But for each tiny step I am grateful. Try setting yourself a small goal, even if it is to say good morning to your neighbour! A sense of achievement even from something small will brighten your day!

You are in my thoughts!

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[magicsheep]

Hi Aquababe,

Sorry for your sadness right now. You say you've had it confirmed that you are not a nice person, did people say that or was that what you thought you heard? When we feel depressed we are hypersensitive to everything and what can normally mean a harmless comment makes us take things personally.

You have done so well in registering for your master degree, what a step that was to take. Look at what you have done so far, not what you haven't done.

You can always PM anytime.

Good luck and think positive

Love Magicsheep x

If you don't want to do it you'll find an excuse. If you want to do it, you will!