Harribo
22-04-12, 02:09
I apologise in advance for the long post but I really appreciate all comments and advice that is posted and is greatly appreciated.
Anyways I will try not to drag it on.
My fiance is the love of my life and even though I don't trust her, I can't give her up because I still believe there is a future between us. The problem is the trust was broken in October and I tried splitting with her. She tried killing herself because of this by taking an overdose. She basically collapsed in my arms and was in intensive care. I agreed to take her back and try and move on. The problems are. 6 months on I am still causing arguments and threatening to leave, she use to beg me to stay and now she doesn't. Tear use to come down her face and now they don't. I caused an argument the other day and I sent her a text saying. Leave me because I don't make you happy no more. (As I always bring up the incident that happened in october amongst other things.) She sent me a message back saying were not going to split up and that I knew we wasn't. She went to work but when she came back home she told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore because of the shit I always give her. I begged for her to stay with me and we spoke from like 1am till 5am and agreed we would give it one more shot. Once we woke up she felt the same as when she came home. We had another huge conversation and she told me she loved me but is sick of the shit I give her for the mistake she made over 6 months ago. She said I have one more chance to prove we can make it work. She said she Loves me and is in love with me, but if I keep causing rows over the mistake its over. We are also going on holiday in 6 weeks.
Anyways today we had a lovely day after the chat. We went for a coffee and did our weekly shopping. My problem is I'm scared I will bring up the past again and she will leave me. I don't actually know how I would cope without her in my life. She's my heart, the air I breath. She deserves better than me I know this. But she is in love with me which I find hard to believe as I'm average looking and she's gorgeous. I want to make this work. When there are no arguments its perfect in all ways. But its violent when its bad. She hits and punches me and although I don't hit back I mentally abuse her everytime the pasts builds up in my brain. I believe what happened was a relisation that she's actually not going to stick around if my behaviour continues. And I have forgiven her for what happened which broke the trust, but it has left me paranoid, insecure and on edge all the time. I make up rediculous sycnarios in my head and I abuse her mentally. I'm not afraid to admit it. I just need help with how to let go completely of the past. I believe I am ready to let go and move on now we are on breaking point. Maybe its a good thing we had this make or break talk as its going to change me? I just hope it does as I can't leave her. I have started cutting myself over this and I am having suicidal thoughts because I believe I will lash out and she will leave me and I'll be on my own. I will harm myself if this happens as she means everything to me. I know they say you hurt the ones you love but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I really need some advice. Splitting up is not advice. I love her too much there is not trust. I want to learn how to repair that trust and move on with our lives. She's my everything.
Thanks in advance and I am trully sorry about the spelling mistakes and grammar. Just my hands are shakeing and I have been in bits crying and feeling sorry for myself all day. (I am the man by the way) she now says she loves me when yesterday she never. She said she believes we have a future if I change when yesterday she said our relationship is a joke. I want to be able to control my paranoia and insecurities and stop taking them out on her. She lied. Too me it was a big lie. I want to move on before I lose the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Xxx
Anyways I will try not to drag it on.
My fiance is the love of my life and even though I don't trust her, I can't give her up because I still believe there is a future between us. The problem is the trust was broken in October and I tried splitting with her. She tried killing herself because of this by taking an overdose. She basically collapsed in my arms and was in intensive care. I agreed to take her back and try and move on. The problems are. 6 months on I am still causing arguments and threatening to leave, she use to beg me to stay and now she doesn't. Tear use to come down her face and now they don't. I caused an argument the other day and I sent her a text saying. Leave me because I don't make you happy no more. (As I always bring up the incident that happened in october amongst other things.) She sent me a message back saying were not going to split up and that I knew we wasn't. She went to work but when she came back home she told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore because of the shit I always give her. I begged for her to stay with me and we spoke from like 1am till 5am and agreed we would give it one more shot. Once we woke up she felt the same as when she came home. We had another huge conversation and she told me she loved me but is sick of the shit I give her for the mistake she made over 6 months ago. She said I have one more chance to prove we can make it work. She said she Loves me and is in love with me, but if I keep causing rows over the mistake its over. We are also going on holiday in 6 weeks.
Anyways today we had a lovely day after the chat. We went for a coffee and did our weekly shopping. My problem is I'm scared I will bring up the past again and she will leave me. I don't actually know how I would cope without her in my life. She's my heart, the air I breath. She deserves better than me I know this. But she is in love with me which I find hard to believe as I'm average looking and she's gorgeous. I want to make this work. When there are no arguments its perfect in all ways. But its violent when its bad. She hits and punches me and although I don't hit back I mentally abuse her everytime the pasts builds up in my brain. I believe what happened was a relisation that she's actually not going to stick around if my behaviour continues. And I have forgiven her for what happened which broke the trust, but it has left me paranoid, insecure and on edge all the time. I make up rediculous sycnarios in my head and I abuse her mentally. I'm not afraid to admit it. I just need help with how to let go completely of the past. I believe I am ready to let go and move on now we are on breaking point. Maybe its a good thing we had this make or break talk as its going to change me? I just hope it does as I can't leave her. I have started cutting myself over this and I am having suicidal thoughts because I believe I will lash out and she will leave me and I'll be on my own. I will harm myself if this happens as she means everything to me. I know they say you hurt the ones you love but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I really need some advice. Splitting up is not advice. I love her too much there is not trust. I want to learn how to repair that trust and move on with our lives. She's my everything.
Thanks in advance and I am trully sorry about the spelling mistakes and grammar. Just my hands are shakeing and I have been in bits crying and feeling sorry for myself all day. (I am the man by the way) she now says she loves me when yesterday she never. She said she believes we have a future if I change when yesterday she said our relationship is a joke. I want to be able to control my paranoia and insecurities and stop taking them out on her. She lied. Too me it was a big lie. I want to move on before I lose the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Xxx