all this and little improvement

[emmasaurus]

hi all. i've been struggling with severe general anxiety/health anxiety/panic disorder since february this year. although i've always been a worrier, this came pretty much out of the blue, and i've been unable to work or live anything like a normal life since - in fact, for the first few months i couldn't tolerate being left alone for more than a few seconds, i was so convinced that something utterly catastrophic was happening to me. i genuinely woke each morning entirely convinced that i wouldn't see out the afternoon. i was rushed to a&e on an almost daily basis - it quickly became the only place i felt 'safe'. the physical symptoms have been crippling.

my gp has been wonderful, though. he always makes time to see me and patiently explains the 'mechanics' behind my more worrisome symptoms (although i still worry excessively - mostly about possible complications with my head/heart). the problem is, i'm taking a lot of medication (45mg mirtazapine, 500mg pregabalin and 200mg quetiapine) and (after almost eleven months) i'm still struggling. i'm incredibly agorophobic. i can only handle being left on my own for five or six hour stretches. the physical symptoms still plague me, and i'm becoming increasingly desperate - and depressed. i rely heavily on my boyfriend and my parents (i'm twenty-six, so this in itself bothers me) and i struggle to maintain contact with my friends (you can only refuse so many invitations before they - and the calls, texts and e-mails - start to trail off, you know?).

i love to read the wonderful success stories here on the forum, but a lot of them seem to begin with individuals finally giving in to the lure of medication after trying to do without for some time, then suddenly experiencing relief from their symptoms - in such a profound way that they're free to focus on piecing their lives back together. i'm worried that i've experienced no such relief - that even on the doses detailed above i'm still overwhelmed by my symptoms each and every day.

i recently started a course of cbt, and i realise i'm extremely lucky to receive the treatment on the nhs, but all i can think is, 'my god, what if it doesn't work? what if i'm in the minority, and it just won't help me? what if i have to live another year like this, or the rest of my life?' i just don't know what to do. i'm losing hope.

[hazy]

You poor thing, I am so sorry for the sheer crappy time you have been having, but the great thing about this site is the fact that we have all experienced one or all of your symptoms. I have been suffering with health anxiety for around 3 years now, I am on Citalopram 20mg which at first were horrendous and made me feel 100% worse, but as told once it was in my system I was feeling the benefit.

I hope you have a positive outcome from the CBT which I have researched and is meant to be brilliant. Sadly our conditions are all caused from ourselves and it is our positive mental attitude that will get us through it inevitably, but easier said than done when you are at the height of your panic.

I was fine for a long time until I separated from my husband which I had wanted for a considerable time, I initially felt liberated but now I feel desperate, financially and everything else trying to maintain a half decent life for me and my 2 boys who are 6 and 11. I have so far had a cold sore which I never get, a UTI which I was prescribed anti-biotics for, I have been losing weight and thought it was diabetes, I now have an annoying cough which after hearing so many adverts, particularly on the radio that says a cough could be cancer, I am now thinking that, amongst other things. I know that I am going through an incredibly stressful time at the moment and I know it won't last forever but its hard to clear my head of anxious thoughts and look forward. I am going back to the Doctors on Friday to discuss everything as if I don't I am scared what it could all lead to.

If you can identify what triggered all of this off then it may help you to address your fears? You mentioned the medication you are taking, I don't know what it is and what its for but does any of them cause anxiety as a symptom of taking them? You must remain positive and I try and take little steps but often. I found that the more I stayed in with my thoughts the worse everything would get and I would sit and mull over everything. Try to be active, its funny that if I am feeling particularly axious about a health matter, as soon as I start doing something such as house work when I have finished my job or jobs I recall that I hadn't thought any anxiety thoughts during the job and then when I stop they come back.

Anyway please keep positive and try and make yourself go out and do more, just a little bit to see if it helps?

Good luck xx