Need Distance From Friend...Am I being selfish?

[Joellie]

Hey everyone.

I was happily on citalopram until july, and since then either my situation in life has got worse or my anxiety is making normal situations into mountains!

Basically, A really close (my only close) friend has had this "boyfriend" for the last 5 months. At first i was a bit jelous but that soon turned into having a good reason to hate him. Bascially, approx every 2 weeks of their relationship he has done something which normally earns "boyfriends" a one way ticket to dumps-ville. He has cheated repeatedly with the same person on her, texted this person, bed hopped, almost passed on an STI to her. She just seems to have fallen totally gaga for him and has let everything go. He has pretty much used her the last month and only spent time with her to sleep with her and then he would shortly leave. He slept with her and then dumped her on her birthday but some how she seems to think that he will change. My problem until recently was that it bothered me that he keeps manipulating her. But im slowly losing my sympathy for her.

As im slowly losing control of my anxiety through this, uni stress and job stress, her situation is bothering me more than it should. Ive changed my look on it. Its bothering me that she will complain about him and about it, get upset, expect sympathy and an ear to listen. And then the next minute be ok with him like nothings happened. Its her choice but its getting me down. I hate this guy seriously, and every time she goes back to him i feel crap about it.

I dont want to not handle my anxiety anymore, but its making it hard when im constantly angry with her situation. Im not sure what to do, I told her that i dont want to talk about it but she is still texting me stuff and talking to me about it. I just dont want to hear it anymore.Im beyond just letting her do it and be there to be supportive, i dread her calls and feel like i dont want to spend any time with her anymore.

Am i being a bad friend?? Shouldnt friends be there for each other? I dont know, but i feel like either i keep going and burn out or distance myself and stay sane :/

Sorry its a rant, i needed to get it out more than anything i think :S

[Ingenious]

There comes a point when you have to put YOU and YOUR mental health first. You also have to ask, what is in this friendship for you? If you have reached the point where it is causing you issues, then seeking some time and space away from it should never be considered either selfish or being a bad friend.

[Joellie]

I think in my mind i know that, but the physical having the talk about it is really hard. I dont want to lose my only close friend, but in a way (and i feel guilty for thinking it) i think she might enjoy the fact that i give the attention when she needs it? I feel awful saying it, and shes always said 'im not doing this on purpose' but it seems like the way to fix her problems are extremely clear and yet she picks the option that is misery and attention from me.

I always think the most negatively of the situation. But i know she wont understand and itl be twisted into 'sorry its hard for you, but im in a horrible situation' even if its worded differently! argh i knew there was a reason i didnt really comit to friends when i was younger and this is why!

[Anxious_gal]

The thing is she is being brain washed by him, men like that mess up your confidence big time.
But there is nothing you can do, she is going do what she is going to do no matter what you say.
I would watch out for her though, he might leave her very broken and depressed.
She still has a responsibility to look after her self and she is the one who is choosing to be with this guy, so I do understand your frustration as her problems are some what self inflicted.

Could you ask her just not to mention her boyfriend or bring you into the middle of the problems? She is using you somewhat as a therapist and it can get very draining to hear someone talking for hours about their problems over and over again.

Some women can get self destructive and do the whole oh poor me thing, or seem to need that drama in their life.
These people can be draining and often aren't there for you when you need them.

I would take a break from your friend and see how it goes.

[Joellie]

Yourt right i think, shes there to listen, but i always drop what im doing and drive to her if she needs me.

I knwo i cant change her mind, and i have asked her to not talk about him anymore to me, but i think im gonna have to reinforce that because it hasnt stopped her!

Thanks for the advice!

[Joellie]

She isnt in danger. I know i cant solve the problem or break them up, im at peace with that. The problems im finding from the situation is that Im getting to involved and i want to be less involved with it, but I cant if shes calling me all the time about it.

I appriciate feelings make you do strange things sometimes but I just want to not hear about it anymore. Its worse when she tries to tell me when theyve had a good time because im so angry with him and them that I feel shes trying to compensate for him which to me is a waste of time.

I just dont want to hear about them full stop, but by doing so, i have to back off, which is hard because to her, im going to be like a bad friend.

Ive tried so many times to let her get on, they break up and shes all 'this is the last time' but i get dissapointed every time when she goes back and i feel like i dont need that worry over my own problems. I dunno how i can tell her wihtout hurting her feelings that her talking to me about it is making things alot harder for me mentally. I did approach it before saying 'if you get back with him idont know if i can talk to you about it anymore' but she thinks she in limbo with him atm and saying 'Well were not together yet' but they are as good as. And because shes not seeing them as properly together, she thinks im ok to talk about it. When really i should have said i dont want to talk about him ever again. Thing is if he changes his ways and shes with him in the long run i still cant shake what hes done before, im just in a place atm where i cant forgive that kind of behaviour and in a way, ive got bigger problems, not talking to her for a while would help but it would damange our friendship.

[Jamesk]

As everyone has said IT HAS TO BE YOU AND YOUR HEALTH FIRST.

This has to be your top priority. If you can make sure you are as well as possible you will be in a position to be strong for your friend when he leaves her in a mess needing her friend as sounds likely to happen.

[weevil]

Does she know how bad your problems are? I've had friends in situations like yours, one in particular would phone me at all hours to complain about her boyfriend or sometimes someone else she'd had a fight with. Sometimes the boyfriend would sound almost abusive yet the next day he was the best thing since sliced bread. I never told her the extent of my problems as I knew she would judge me for it as she did everyone else. It all finally came out and she decided to dump me as a friend as I was selfish and only her boyfriend was ever there for her.

You might get exaggerated tales from your friend, when she's annoyed with him she might enhanced his bad behaviour and do the opposite when she likes him. I think its perfectly alright for you to say you need some space, if she's a real friend she shouldn't punish you for that. Just say you've given her all the advice you can on him there's nothing else you can say. Only don't make it sound like you're making her choose between you, she might hear it that way and people in that situation will always choose the boyfriend.

Let us know how it goes?

[Joellie]

Yeah ive tried to word it like 'im here as a friend, but i dont want to talk about it anymore' Basically, she knows the extent of my problems, but shes also got a lot medical wrong with her too. And i dont know to me, i feel a bit trivial compared to her problems and im not sure if she sees it that way too.

Im not seeing her face to face for another couple of weeks so im gonna see how the next week goes and if she starts up il explain to her about it.

I just am at the point where i think she doesnt have the right to complain about the way he treats her now because she knows what hes doing and lets him do it.