Getting into a bit of a mess

Hi there, I struggle with anxiety, often related to my health. In recent times I have massively struggled with covid, not without reason as my daughter almost died of it. She was extremely ill in ICU BUT she survived, she is ok.

I was testing several times a day, every day for ages. I wouldn't go out unless I had to. I got better. I reduced my testing gradually to twice a week.

Recently, my covid related anxiety has gotten out of hand again following my younger daughter getting covid. She was fine. Since, I have been testing over and over. What is different this time is, I have collected all my negative tests and I feel compelled to go back and look at them, hold them up to a light, shine a torch on them, take a photograph and enlarge them, just to see if I missed a positive result. I KNOW I haven't but I need to check. I thought I would take the bull by the horns and throw them out....that just increased my anxiety tenfold! I became convinced I had inadvertently infected others. So my testing increased again, the negative tests built up and I'm back to checking and rechecking.

I tried to reduce my testing...and I succeeded...but only if I don't leave the house! When I am outside, I panic, thinking I have infected that old person, that baby, that shop assistant. I have a panic attack and have to return home. The last couple of days, I have only felt safe in bed.

I know how bizarre all this is. I have done CBT before and I am trying to use the skills but they are not cutting it just now.

I have spoken to my CPN regarding my concerns about this becoming OCD. She is lovely and usually helpful. She says I definitely have traits, not enough for a diagnosis but a diagnosis wouldn't help because my treatment wouldn't change. I am not seeking a diagnosis, I just want to relax! My CPN reckoned before my younger daughter got covid that I would get better after being exposed to covid again and everything being ok but the opposite has happened! Exposure hasn't helped at all, it has made it worse.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

you sound so stressed and worried. worrying about yourself as well as infecting others. The thing, is, you can't really control much - so I don't think incessant testing is doing much. For example the other day - i was going to buy tickets to go on a ferry - and I noticed that they said that "testing is not required as it is not a reliable way of testing for covid"... so somewhere along the line the policy has changed. Probably the only thing I can think for you is exposure therapy.. meaning you go out without testing, and you force yourself to interract with the world, going outside without doing any tests. You need to break this cycle.